3 years ago.: Hi. I find it very hard... - Action on Postpar...

Action on Postpartum Psychosis

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3 years ago.

Anna_10 profile image
Anna_10

Hi. I find it very hard this time of year. I was in hospital 3 years ago over Christmas and missed my baby's first Xmas. This year is my first Xmas not on any medication which I'm very proud of. It just makes me sad & happy to think what happened and how far I've come. I have a beautiful 3 yr old girl who is my world. I'm so lucky. Just wish these mixed emotions would go away this time of year. Thank you for listening to me. Best wishes to everyone . Anna 10. X

11 Replies
Lilybeth profile image
LilybethVolunteer

Hello Anna_10

Good to hear from you again. This time of year can be difficult for all sorts of reasons can't it? You have done really well to be medication free and I'm glad you are proud ... that's a big sigh of relief for another milestone done and dusted.

I'm also in the same boat as I missed my first son's very first Christmas and although this was such a long time ago I sometimes reflect and feel sad that in the photos I have of that time, I wasn't there. Fast forward all these years on and my sons are very well and happy to have families of their own.

I think it's best not to dwell on that time in our lives as we have been strong enough to stand up and surround our children with so much love and care. In time you will have far too many happy memories with your daughter to even think about her very early days ..... and even when you do it will just pop in and out of your head and not get stuck in your thoughts as it has at this time of year.

We are the lucky ones ........ celebrate and delight in all the joy of family and what you have accomplished .... let's look forward not back.

Take very good care.

Anna_10 profile image
Anna_10 in reply to Lilybeth

Thank you so much for your reply. That's just what I needed to hear. Glad you have come through a tough time too. As nice it is for me to help others I also like hearing the positive stories too. I am ao glad I found this forum and thank all you volunteers for making it possible. Thanks once again. Kind Regards.

Lilybeth profile image
LilybethVolunteer in reply to Anna_10

You are very welcome Anna_10.

The stress of wondering how my PP would affect my sons followed me all through their nursery / school years and beyond. I'm a long way down the road and over the hill but can honestly say try not to worry as all will be well. The children of PP mums are also amazing and will bring so much happiness. :)

Anna_10 profile image
Anna_10 in reply to Lilybeth

Thank you so much X

Hannah_at_APP profile image
Hannah_at_APPAdministrator

Hi Anna_10,

Thanks for posting, another "me too" on this one ... I had PP 7 years ago now, and whilst I had come out of the worst of the psychosis by Christmas, I was due to go home before and wasn't well enough, so I had an overnight leave - not how I'd imagined my first Christmas would be, waking up in a MBU and then going home, being so tired and medicated that I couldn't fully enjoy things, yet also hugely happy to at least still be with my baby and husband. Looking back though, I do have some nice memories of that first festive time and I would definitely agree that subsequent Christmasses have also added to my memories, along with lots of other times with my children (I was ill after eldest but stayed well after my youngest 3 years ago).

You are so right to be proud of yourself being off medication, that was also a huge step for me. And to be happy of how far you have come is very important too. I can say that this is something that has also increased for me over time and I am sure will do for you too.

As with everything in life, I think our reflections on PP have to be a balance; recognising the sadness is fine, but the happiness will also be important to acknowledge. I do think that grows over time too, although there might be times when we feel that sadness and that is OK too. I think it's part of acceptance in a way, I know that PP wasn't my fault, that it was awful not just for me but those around me, but that we came through it.

Wishing you and your family all the happiness for the festive season and beyond. Take care, xx

Thank you Hannah. Wishing you a happy festive time too. Xx

A big me too here as well 😔. After my son was stillborn, I became really unwell, and was in a general psych hospital for four months. After leaving hospital I went to an intermediate care centre for a few weeks, which was a step down facility. I was there over Christmas. They gave me night leave on Christmas day, so I spent Christmas with family and friends but it was the first time I'd seen most of them in ~five months, and was excruciatingly uncomfortable because I was still mourning and they didn't know how to react to me and I was so resentful towards my sister in law who'd had her daughter around when my son was meant to be born, and then I was overwhelmed just because there were so many people and the day was unstructured and confusing. I don't think I was well enough and in retrospect I probably should have just had a quiet day with just my partner (but he's from a big Italian family, so what can you do?). I think it's been important to acknowledge that actually what happened was really awful, and my memories of that time are allowed to be "bad." But that it doesn't mean that I will never have a positive experience again, or that I will never enjoy the holidays, or enjoy my family again. And I can look back at it and know that I have come so far from where I was, and that my health has improved so much. Christmas continues to be tough, but it's getting better. I hope you have a great Christmas, and that Christmas is magical for your daughter and that you get to enjoy her.

Anna_10 profile image
Anna_10 in reply to Cicerenella

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I wish you all the best for the future. Xx

Cicerenella profile image
Cicerenella in reply to Anna_10

Thank you. I've come to think of it as positive (mostly)- because I can look back at all the bad things and know that because I loved my baby so much I can still think it was worth it for the short time that I got to spend with him. Yes it was horrible to be so unwell afterwards, and psych wards are not fun places at all, but once I move past the trauma and bad memories of that experience things are better. And now that my meds and mood are sorted there are more good days than bad. :)

Anna_10 profile image
Anna_10 in reply to Cicerenella

I wish you happiness and think you are very brave. Lots of love. Always here if you need a chat x

Hi,

It does get easier within time. I used to feel like this on my sons birthdays. I have celebrated his 3rd birthday last month and it was easier plus we went away this year so my mind wasn't focusing on it - maybe worth a try? It's harder over Christmas tho x

Try and enjoy it and make new memories x

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