I feel so evil: These thoughts are so... - Action on Postpar...

Action on Postpartum Psychosis
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I feel so evil

Ashley031
Ashley031

These thoughts are so bad! Will I ever get better! No matter what I do I get a bad thought. Why is this happening to me!

22 Replies
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Speak to your doctors asap!

Hi Ashley, I am still getting intrusive thoughts and It's been 2 years since I was diagnosed with pp. some days are better than others, but takes a long time to recover. You will get better though. Are you on any meds?

Xx

Hi kellyandbabykyle,

As of right now I am on 2 different kinds of meds for anxiety and depression. Are you on an antipsychotic meds?

Hi Ashley,

Sorry not been on here for a while. I was on olanzapine, that made me very sedated and gained some weight. Then I was on quitipine and they didn't help me at all. I've now been put on an antidepressant and it hasn't helped with the thoughts at all, so not doing great just now. If you are still having intrusive thoughts you should be on an anti psychotic Hun xx

Hi kellyandbabykyle,

I am on olanzapine. My doctor told me that is an anti psychotic. He did mention weight gain to. Did that medicine help you at all

Hi Ashley,

Yeah that's right it's an anti psychotic medication and it works really well but I had to come off it as I was too tired all the time. It helped me when I was on 20mg but I went down to 5mg due to the side effects and that didn't do anything for me. What dose u on? X

hi kellyandbabykyle,

My doctor started me on 5mg and I do believe it is working. Did it make you crave sweets or increase your appetite?

amyfj
amyfjVolunteer

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for reaching out for help. Do you have any doctors appointments where you feel able to speak to someone soon? I know when I was unwell I felt that thoughts were just occurring and they were nothing like me usual thought processes and however horrible they are you unfortunately have no choice in them and no way to stop them so please don't blame yourself.

At this point in time I guess you do not have any choice in your thoughts either. Your thoughts are not you. You are not evil. You are going through a tough time and the best thing you can do is to reach out for professional help. Have you told any care givers how you feel?

If you can manage to do something that you enjoy to distract yourself even something small like a short walk or coffee with friends or even just picking up the telephone to someone who is a good listener or makes you laugh in the mean time that might just break the cycle a bit.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Take care,

Amy

Ellie_at_APP
Ellie_at_APPAdministrator

Hi Ashley I'm so sorry you're still struggling with these horrible thoughts. As others have said above you are not evil at all, you are just ill, and you can't help these thoughts.

When do you have your next medical appointment? Do you see a mental health worker / nurse regularly? I can't remember what kind of professional support you are receiving? I would contact the professionals who are supporting you as soon as you can and access some support, tell them how much you are struggling and the thoughts you're having.

Are you sleeping? I used to find lack of sleep was a massive trigger in destabilising my mood and thoughts. If you aren't able to sleep a doctor may be able to prescribe some sleeping tablets for a few days.

Take care Ashley, thinking of you X

Hi ellie,

I see my doctor this Thursday but it's just my regular doctor. He's the doctor that told me he would find a doctor to help me with these issues. I do take medication to help me sleep. Before I was on that I would wake up crying because of these evil thoughts. I need to be on an antipsychotic pill. What kind of medication were you on?

Ellie_at_APP
Ellie_at_APPAdministrator
in reply to Ashley031

Hi ashley how are you doing the last day it so? I would echo what susannah said. It's really important you see a psychiatrist, a perinatal psychiatrist, who can diagnose you correctly and give you the right medication. The right medication is so important in getting better.

I also think some therapy / mindfulness / cbt might help? It really helped me.

Take care xx

Hi Ellie,

I'm not sure if I asked you before but what kind of medication were u on?

First time it happened to me I needed to go to hospital to get medicine. Just walk straight into your go asap and wait till they see you, don't worry re appointment, or go to hospital. The quicker you start medicine, the sooner you will feel better

For me the thoughts went away after being on medicine immediately

Ashley031
Ashley031
in reply to suzannah0

Hi suzannah0

We're your thoughts about hurting you child or other people?

suzannah0
suzannah0
in reply to Ashley031

I couldn't remember the next day when I visited the hospital emergency. All I remember is having very dark thoughts like in a dream. I was worried it would get worse so I asked to be in a secure part of the hospital where I'd be safe.

What if I really am a crazy person. I'm so angry with this illness. It's taking over my life 😔

suzannah0
suzannah0
in reply to Ashley031

Your right to recognise this as an illness. So get help immediately so you're on the right medicine

Ellie_at_APP
Ellie_at_APPAdministrator

Hi Ashley

How are you doing, hoping that maybe some of the negative thoughts have lessened? I still feel you should be seeing a psychiatrist rather than just a regular doctor. It's so important you see someone who knows about psychiatric medicine etc. But it's good to hear that you are on an anti psychotic now, and I hope it will help you.

I was on Olanzapine too. It worked well for me, and took away psychotic thoughts. It was quite sedating though but I found that helpful in that it helped me to slow down, and I would go to bed early and sleep well and I think that's so important in managing moods and feeling well. Sleep is so healing I think. I know when I had a disturbed night, and even now, I feel so awful the next day and anxieties and everything are amplified.

Take care,

Ellie

Hi Ellie,

I have to say the medicine I believe is helping. I'm only on 5mg and I do see a little difference. Did you gain weight when you were on it?

Ellie_at_APP
Ellie_at_APPAdministrator
in reply to Ashley031

Hi ashley so great to hear on this thread and the other one that you're noticing a bit of difference with the meds... so good. Olanzapine which I was on does have weight gain as a side effect... but I have to say I didn't notice it so much just because of the body changes after having my son anyway.

I do hope you continue to feel better and better xx

Hi Ellie,

Did the meds make you crave sweets?

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