I loss my baby boy at 25 weeks due to Preeclampsia with Severe Features

[Kaedsmom]

I feel like the pain of losing my baby boy is driving me crazy. I feel so guilty, like I should have been more attentive of my health while I was still carrying him. Not that I was unhealthy, I was doing the best I can to eat right, avoid foods that were not good for the baby, and even do mild exercise and morning walks. We discovered that something was off when we had our monthly prenatal checkup last November. He was behind 4 weeks in terms of growth. We had a Congenital Anomaly Scan and discovered that he was perfectly normal, its just that he was small in weight. We were advised to come back for a re-scan after two weeks. I was also put into antihypertensive medication since my blood pressure was at 140/90. The OB told me that high blood pressure contributes to small weight for babies. So I took my medicine on time and monitored my blood pressure everyday. On the morning of 06 December I had a nosebleed, which was my first time to ever experience it. I checked my blood pressure and it was at 160/100, I then informed my OB and I was advised for hospital admission. My husband and I thought that we would just be at the hospital for a few days. But then my blood pressure remained alarmingly high. I wasn’t responding to the antihypertensive medications. I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia with Severe Features. We were aiming for my blood pressure to go down to 140/90 so that we could go home, continue monitoring my blood pressure and the baby’s progress every 2 weeks via ultrasound. Apart from having high blood pressure, I wasn’t feeling anything unusual, I was asymptomatic. The nurses also monitored my baby’s heartbeat every shift, and he was moving inside my tummy actively. He even answered me with a kick whenever I talked to him. My body started responding to one of the medications and my blood pressure finally started dropping. We also had an ultrasound and discovered that the baby gained weight and has a good heartbeat. On the morning of 15 December, we were advised to go home since my blood pressure reached 140/90 and I started responding to the antihypertensive medications. Our OB checked our baby to make sure everything is good before ordering for us to go home. However, our baby’s heartbeat was at 100. I was scheduled for an emergency CS at 25 weeks. Everything that was happening went on like a blur. Our precious baby boy was born sleeping at 11:55 am. 😔

It was so devastating, however, I could not grieve immediately since I developed HELLP Syndrome. I was under observation for 5 more days. I wasn’t even able to attend to my son’s burial.

My husband is my rock right now. He is my greatest support. But I find myself in a void. The pain of losing my baby Kaeden is... I can’t even put it into words. I know in time I would eventually accept everything that had happened. But it’s really difficult, I find myself crying silently, usually when my husband is asleep. I removed all social media applications cause I find myself feeling bitter. I miss my son so much. I wish I could turn back time and do everything differently. I wish my son is still in my tummy. I just miss and love him so much.

[Information18]

God Bless you and now your son is with God and always with you. I’m so sorry for your loss, take each day at a time and regain your health and hope for the future. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Kaedsmom in reply to Information18]

Thank you Information18

[Speakeazi]

Hello

I am so sorry to hear of the devastating loss of your baby boy.

It is so hard to understand how things can go so badly wrong and so out of the blue.

Reading your post, I can only see that you did all the right things and that the Drs treated you and your baby “aggressively” for your pre eclampsia. But sometimes, despite all interventions, we cannot change the outcome. All the ifs and buts just don’t work.

Your loss is so new and shocking for you. I hope you have good support from those around you- try not to push everyone away for too long.

As an aside, do keep an eye on your bp over the years just to make sure it is not causing any damage to your arteries.

It may help to talk to your gp or look online for bereavement counselling to help you.

Best wishes

Sara

[Kaedsmom in reply to Speakeazi]

Thank you Sara, my husband and I will take this one day at a time.

[Morewat]

Don’t be hard on yourself nothing you could have done would have changed things. Find comfort in God and grieve let it out take your time!

[Kaedsmom in reply to Morewat]

Thank you Morewat.

[ActionPre-eclampsia Partner Action on Pre-eclampsia]

Dear Kaesdmom,

Thank you for sharing your devastating story, we were so very to hear of your loss. Please do accept our condolences. Do not try to do too much, however you feel is right, there is no set path or time limit for grief. We would like to tell you about a charity which may be able to help, they are called SANDS. Please do contact them as they can offer specialist advice and support when someone loses a baby. We are also here to advise on pre-eclampsia should you need us. sands.org.uk/

Please be kind to yourself, and do not feel guilty, there is nothing you did that caused this to happen.

[Kaedsmom in reply to ActionPre-eclampsia]

Thank you for your kind words. And also, thank you for the information about SANDS.

[AnnuB]

Dear Kaedsmom,

Im sorry to hear about your loss. My story is also similar. 4 months ago, I lost my baby boy at 35 weeks due to sudden placental abruption. And in my case the reason is unknown for this episode. Whatever you are feeling is common. I also deleted my social media profiles. Whenever i see new born babies or pregnant woman. I feel so bad about myself. Please give yourself time. Take one day at a time. There is no time limit of grieving. I still cry everyday but i just hope that next time our angel babies and God will be watching us and taking care of us. Hope for the best! May God give yoy more strength.

[Kaedsmom in reply to AnnuB]

Thank you for your kind words AnnuB. Just like you I feel bad whenever I see pregnant women, babies and little boys. I ache to hold mine. I’m comforted in the fact that my baby is not suffering. I know our angel baby boys are watching over us, that thought gives me strength to go on.

[2stoneup]

I had an emergency section at 25+5 due to severe preeclampsia. My Zachary was tiny. Fought like crazy for over 4 months. But he passed away. I can't imagine not going to his funeral and I'm so sorry you couldn't spend time with Kaeden. On Wednesday this week it would have been his 3rd birthday.

I still cry a lot and am seeing a therapist regularly. It does get easier. You'll never get over losing your precious son. You'll always be his mummy. But eventually you'll cry less and try and carry on. I eventually went back to social media.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely boy. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. I didn't and am struggling with it.

[Kaedsmom in reply to 2stoneup]

Hi 2stoneup, I can’t believe how similar our situation is, Preeclampsia is so cruel. You’re so lucky though to have 4 months with your baby Zachary. How I would love to hold my Kaeden and get a chance to kiss and cuddle him.

Thank you for your kind words, yes, I will always be his mummy. He will always have a big space in my heart.

I’m sorry for your loss too. I’m comforted in the fact that our angel baby boys are now watching over us. Thank you again... 💖