What's up with me (posted on my old account)

First of all:

I don't know why I get so paranoid all the time. Like when I'm upstairs and Alex (my partner) is downstairs, I have consent thoughts of him doing wrong by me and then I start getting all worked up and start shaking. Also I always feel like there's someone following me and watching me. No matter where I am. There is a constant thought in my head that something or someone is going to hurt me. When I'm walking up the stairs I feel the need to have to run because I feel like someone is going to grab me. Question is, is that normal? Onto another thing. I feel no emotion for no one. When our son got taken away I felt nothing. Like I didn't care and I still don't feel nothing. I don't even want to see him, hold him nor nothing. I also feel forced to see him because i know he's my son but i dont want to. Id rather sleep and stay in bed all day. but then that comes back to Alex. I cant sleep without him in my presents because I'm always wondering what he's doing but what i don't understand is if I dont have any feelings for him why am I constantly wondering what he's doing but I don't love him. I feel nothing for him. When he goes to hug me or kiss me or even go near me I dont want him to or i always say what do you want when he says my name, This next bit is alittle bit embarrsing to talk about but Sex. I dont feel ip for sex at all. Ive lost all intrested in it. I get bored and just want it over and done with. i used the excuse of loosing Jaiden and i didnt want to get pregant again and loose another but thats not really the reason. I don't know why I've become like this but deep down I feel like I've always been like this.. Its got to a point that I don't care about anyone or anything not even myself. I honestly hate myself, the way I look, the way act. I believe I'm a horrible person. I hate eating, I try my hardest not to eat because I hate how fat I am. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel physically sick. I've started having dreams of Jaiden dying and Alex cheating on me. and it won't stop. I need help.

5 Replies

  • Hi Geo20, Yes you do need help. You have too many things going on in your head that you can no longer think rationally. It takes a professional to help you sort this out. It is not normal in what you are feeling. I hope you will seek out some therapy so that you can get your life back. I wish you well Geo. You have to take care of yourself first and then the rest will fall in place.

  • Wow this post has hurt me you need medical help asap, I'm not been nasty but there's lots of woman out there who would give everything for a child, right let's ask so you saying you love your partner you can't sleep with him but you do t care about your son ,

  • Sounds like post natal depression with you saying you dont feel anything for your son. Hes sweet and innocent and that poor boy will feel you dont love him it will effect him to never mind you.

  • Do speak with a therapist about this. I also think maybe you are coping with your loss. Losing someone has a different affect on everyone, some people cry to cope while others can be indifferent. I cried when my grandparent died, my boyfrind on the other hand was indifferent when his grandparent died. You becoming indifferent or numb might be how you cope. But it does sound a lot like depression. You may also not appreciate what I may say here, but maybe a religious awakening may help, try reading the bible it will open your life in a new way. You dont have to listen to that last part, but there was a time I did feel numb and it was during a dark patch in my life.

  • I'm sorry but I can't relate, my spouse and children are my main focus, and I love them dearly. It seems you've given up on everything. Not a healthy move. I'm sorry I could never be married or have children if I couldn't love them. This bothers me. God how it would kill somebody to know the person they hold dear doesn't love them. Yes do get some help.