First of all:
I don't know why I get so paranoid all the time. Like when I'm upstairs and Alex (my partner) is downstairs, I have consent thoughts of him doing wrong by me and then I start getting all worked up and start shaking. Also I always feel like there's someone following me and watching me. No matter where I am. There is a constant thought in my head that something or someone is going to hurt me. When I'm walking up the stairs I feel the need to have to run because I feel like someone is going to grab me. Question is, is that normal? Onto another thing. I feel no emotion for no one. When our son got taken away I felt nothing. Like I didn't care and I still don't feel nothing. I don't even want to see him, hold him nor nothing. I also feel forced to see him because i know he's my son but i dont want to. Id rather sleep and stay in bed all day. but then that comes back to Alex. I cant sleep without him in my presents because I'm always wondering what he's doing but what i don't understand is if I dont have any feelings for him why am I constantly wondering what he's doing but I don't love him. I feel nothing for him. When he goes to hug me or kiss me or even go near me I dont want him to or i always say what do you want when he says my name, This next bit is alittle bit embarrsing to talk about but Sex. I dont feel ip for sex at all. Ive lost all intrested in it. I get bored and just want it over and done with. i used the excuse of loosing Jaiden and i didnt want to get pregant again and loose another but thats not really the reason. I don't know why I've become like this but deep down I feel like I've always been like this.. Its got to a point that I don't care about anyone or anything not even myself. I honestly hate myself, the way I look, the way act. I believe I'm a horrible person. I hate eating, I try my hardest not to eat because I hate how fat I am. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel physically sick. I've started having dreams of Jaiden dying and Alex cheating on me. and it won't stop. I need help.