This post is similar to Monkeeey3913 .. It just got me thinking.
I've always tried to be helpful, friendly and a good person. I've always helped people when they need help, even to people that I knew would probably not be as helpful back to me or would even bother helping me. During high school, I wasn't popular. I literally had one best friend in school, I wasn't bullied (apart from the odd hurtful remarks) but I didn't have friends neither. I used to bunk off of school a lot, because I was so unhappy being there. It was lonely.. spending a lot of my time alone. And I was very shy too. My self esteem was so low. I felt ugly and fat (as people would say to me) and I really begun hating myself.. I started self harming a little and felt suicidal, crying myself to sleep. It was an awful time, and I couldn't wait until I finished school. My friends outside of school would belittle me at times when we were in a group, I suppose because I was shy and I wouldn't say anything back. I just thought.. there must be something to do with me, as to why I don't have many friends. So I had a lot of hatred for myself, but too I was my own best friend because of how lonely times were.
Since moving up north, I haven't been able to make friends neither. I made friends through work, but then just stopped contact once I left that workplace. My partner, has met friends through college and work and has remained friends with them. Why can't I?! I have social anxiety too, so it's very hard to make friends anyway and go to social gatherings and actually interact with people without wanting to run away! I'm a friendly, nice person.. and very helpful. Just why can't I seem to make good friends?! I've connected with a few people that I've met on online groups, but they don't live close to me. The only people I 'socialise' or go out with here is my partner, my cousin or my mum. Even my other cousins rarely talk to me any more. My self esteem is quite low. I'd like to go to groups, meet people but this anxiety is just ruining it! I don't want it to ruin anything more. And I have trusting issues.. I suppose that and my self esteem issues just makes me think.. maybe no one is interested in me. I got to speak to my counsellor about my self esteem issues, and the past.. and she said that I need to start appreciating myself. I do try. She couldn't understand why I had such hatred for myself. But they say you can tell how good a person is by how many friends they have.. really? I just seem to get taken for granted at times. It's something very close to my heart, and the scars run deep.. even writing this I feel very emotional. I'm often doubting who I think I am. Misunderstood comes to mind.. I feel very closed up as a person, afraid of further hurt.