Quite an emotional post for me.. but am I the issue?!

[Chellebells]

This post is similar to Monkeeey3913 .. It just got me thinking.

I've always tried to be helpful, friendly and a good person. I've always helped people when they need help, even to people that I knew would probably not be as helpful back to me or would even bother helping me. During high school, I wasn't popular. I literally had one best friend in school, I wasn't bullied (apart from the odd hurtful remarks) but I didn't have friends neither. I used to bunk off of school a lot, because I was so unhappy being there. It was lonely.. spending a lot of my time alone. And I was very shy too. My self esteem was so low. I felt ugly and fat (as people would say to me) and I really begun hating myself.. I started self harming a little and felt suicidal, crying myself to sleep. It was an awful time, and I couldn't wait until I finished school. My friends outside of school would belittle me at times when we were in a group, I suppose because I was shy and I wouldn't say anything back. I just thought.. there must be something to do with me, as to why I don't have many friends. So I had a lot of hatred for myself, but too I was my own best friend because of how lonely times were.

Since moving up north, I haven't been able to make friends neither. I made friends through work, but then just stopped contact once I left that workplace. My partner, has met friends through college and work and has remained friends with them. Why can't I?! I have social anxiety too, so it's very hard to make friends anyway and go to social gatherings and actually interact with people without wanting to run away! I'm a friendly, nice person.. and very helpful. Just why can't I seem to make good friends?! I've connected with a few people that I've met on online groups, but they don't live close to me. The only people I 'socialise' or go out with here is my partner, my cousin or my mum. Even my other cousins rarely talk to me any more. My self esteem is quite low. I'd like to go to groups, meet people but this anxiety is just ruining it! I don't want it to ruin anything more. And I have trusting issues.. I suppose that and my self esteem issues just makes me think.. maybe no one is interested in me. I got to speak to my counsellor about my self esteem issues, and the past.. and she said that I need to start appreciating myself. I do try. She couldn't understand why I had such hatred for myself. But they say you can tell how good a person is by how many friends they have.. really? I just seem to get taken for granted at times. It's something very close to my heart, and the scars run deep.. even writing this I feel very emotional. I'm often doubting who I think I am. Misunderstood comes to mind.. I feel very closed up as a person, afraid of further hurt.

[Chellebells]

Thank you for your reply. Sorry I'm on this site on my phone at the moment, but I'll write a more lengthly reply tomorrow when I'm on the computer. My partner always tries to include me, but with this anxiety/agraphobia it's hard to get out to places. But he understands, very supportive and just lets me do things my own time and my own pace. Thank you, it means a lot.

[Chellebells]

School can be quite hard.. I hate to imagine what it's like now. There's a huge amount of pressure on kids to look a certain way, to behave a certain and to be a certain way. The peer pressure. When the smart kids are often ones that are getting picked on, something is seriously wrong. I didn't mind working at school, but just didn't like being there for the social aspect. If I could do it again, I certainly would of just got on with my work and did my absolute best rather than neglect school work. I enjoyed drama the most.. I suppose as it was a chance to bring myself out a little more. I don't think there is enough support for shy kids.. Not once did my teachers ask me why I was bunking off, if I was unhappy, why am I so shy. They never asked once, they never took the time to notice me.. just the popular kids. And now there are kids that are bullied because of being shy, and the teacher blaming the shy kid! I understand there is a lot of pressure on teachers.. but if they just took the time to talk to the shy pupil. There could be something more serious going on for their shyness.

I suppose so. I don't really talk to his friends, but they seem friendly. I often just think.. they're not interested in me or what I have to say. Which boils down to my self esteem.. yet again. There's a few community groups going on where I live.. workshops etc. I'd like to start going.. I really need to start socialising more and get to know more people up here. I suppose I've got so used to my own company, and the people I feel comfortable and safe around. As I said, you'll find someone. I know it must not be easy. I met my partner through a mutual friend 7 years ago, and we've been together since. Previous to that I was with someone for a year, so I haven't really been single for about 8 years so I would be completley clueless and useless with dating! Haha, but I suppose other than through mutual friends, work, college etc.. there are dating sites, though I have no experience of them. And again, community groups in the area or with your interests. For instance, my partner goes to an RPG game every Friday night.