I have just dragged myself out of bed - should have a shower, can't remember when I last had one.
Had bereavement counselling this week, was honest I don't want to be here.
Have been drinking myself into a stupor every night for the past week and falling into bed hugging my husband's blanket that he had in hospital. I know drink isn't the answer but it's the only thing that helps the pain. I've had liver problems before and I'm hoping if I continue then it will pack up and then I can be with him.
I don't think my medication helps at all. I know there is a grieving process but in order to move on you have to want to. I have nothing to move on for.
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tinks2003
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I feel your pain and wish I could take some for you,,,,,,,,,,, I know how I felt when my dad died and I still struggle with that , so can only imagine how bad your pain is......
but Im sure your husband would have wanted you to carry on........and would not want you to feel like this..........
I think crying is a good thing, its letting out the emotion..........
this is prob no help at all, I wish I could help you,,,,,,,,, but hopefully just knowing that we're all willing you strength to carry on will help a little bit.......
sending you some love and hope...
Ker xxx
Aw Tinks I am sending you a hug , the feelings you have must be so awful I'm so sorry you feel like that....you know the drinking will make you feel worse you don't need me to tell you that, I have not suffered a recent bereavement but have had someone close to me die and those feelings are so deep and painful. I can't help thinking if you can at all manage it the feel of the nice warm water from a shower will at least give you a few minutes of pleasure, and possibly peace ,although I understand only too well that if you don't feel like it it's hard to do, if you can just try though...
You say your meds aren't helping I'm not a professional and can only say what I think but you should go back to your Dr and tell him/ her.
You are aware there is a grieving process and alcohol I think will hamper this greatly, you probably know this and possibly feel like telling me to get lost, and it's ok if you do...but drink always makes me more down and more anxious not able to think straight afterwards it feels scarey to me..and to you right now it must feel horrendous...
If you can find the it to get that shower please try.
i am around if you want a chat.
Its so hard to know what to say to you and not make it come out all wrong I would love to have a magic wand and take away your pain.
Thank you both. I have been totally honest with my GP, bereavement counsellor and the mental health team about where I'm at and how I feel.
I know in order to feel better you should lay off the alcohol, eat properly, get out but these things are all impossible at the moment.
The only reason I am carrying on at the moment is to fight the hospital for the way they treated him, I have to do that for my husband. I don't want anything from them apart from them to acknowledge that they were wrong in the way he was treated and that they took precious time away from us and my last moments with my husband were horrendous. I don't care what happens after that.
Hi tinks I can't imagine the pain you are in right now but I do know how it feels to be in the black hole and not caring if you can climb out at some point or not. i have small children but i still didnt see any point to my existence but who will fight for the justice your husband deserves. The medication will kick in but it does take time and will take longer if you drink(i know cos i did it too) keep on with the counselling and please try to eat as much as you can and drink water(your body and mind will suffer if its dehydrated) please hang onto the feeling inside that wants to fight the hospital it will give you strength. Keep blogging and let out how you are feeling. I wish I could do more for you. Thinking of you love eve x
I take one day at a time nowadays and I think it's the best we can do. Thinking too far ahead just makes me feel overwhelmed.
You mention having a fight with the hospital over the circumstances, that is something to be around for. Some days some things you just can't get motivated to do I'm the same. But on the days I can muster up a little motivation I have to say it does feel better.
I don't have children, it's just me and my two cats. I won't do anything silly whilst I am fighting the hospital because I need answers - 43 to be precise but it won't bring him back. I've been on the medication I'm on since before Christmas so it's well in my system.
I do still have a job at the moment but haven't worked since the end of October I keep trying to resign but they keep saying its not the right time. I struggle to go out of the house so I know I'm not going to be able to go back there. Plus I don't like change and I know things will have changed drastically in six months. I just can't face never seeing him again. I'm still young and don't want to be here without him.
Hi Tinks - like the others, i can't imagine what you're going through! yes, I've lost people I loved, but not in the way you have, it must be horrendous! But - can you try to turn it around? Your husband loved YOU - all that you are, all that you do, all that you can be! Would your husband want the person HE loved to stop being the person she is - the person she can be? If you can't, at the moment, live for yourself, can you try living for your husband - to go on being the person he loved? Just a thought, hun, your husband loved you, he'd want you to go on and be happy - not now, I'm not saying that, but eventually! It can happen!
On another point, are you getting any support in your complaint against the hospital? If not, PM me - I used to work around complaints in the NHS and might be able to offer some advice - there is support out there, if you haven't already got it. You're not alone, hun!
Keep blogging, lots of support and some lovely people on here, and it does help!
Well I got myself showered and dressed, had to go out as running out of bacardi.
I then thought I'd drive to my dads and drop some knitting patterns off for my step mother.
As I went to leave my Dad started on yet again how he misses me! I'm afraid I was rather blunt in as much as I said 'you miss me yet you saw me last week, how do you think I feel when I've been missing Tony for four months'. Now I'm going to say something horrible - why couldn't it have been him. My Dad is 84 in the worst health and sits in a chair all day doing nothing, he has no life whereas my husband had everything to live for. I am fed up with the guilt trips he puts me on when I'm doing the best I can. I wish I hadn't gone I felt bad enough before now I feel even worse.
I think it's natural to feel the way you do Tinks. NATURAL, that's right. I lost my husband when he was 33 and had 2 babies. It takes time to grieve. The frustrations, anger - you name it- it all has to come out before we can carry on living. Even walking the streets or shopping, expecting to see their face again.
Please try to cut back on the drink as your medication will not work properly . I know it's hard, believe me, but there will come a time, and I hope you have some good friends who will come over for a chat sometimes. A good friend will know when to leave you to talk about your loss and when to leave it alone. The last thing you want is someone to tell you to pull yourself together.
I can understand your feelings about your dad, but you have to be in this situation to understand what you're going through. In time you will get better and your dad should understand.
If there is help out there for you, be it medication or counselling, please take it.
Your husband must have been a wonderful man, so don't knock yourself out as his memory.
Firstly i am so sorry your going through this alone and i can feel your loss by what you are writing. You have ever reason to be angry and bereavement is the hardest to deal with regardless of age or circumstances. I have always said we prepare for a birth a marriage but no one prepares you for the most difficult road to walk like a bereavement.
You are a young woman and you have a life ahead of you although at the moment you are not prepared to accept this. I know it is an effort to get out of bed and shower etc., but i am sure your Husband would want to see the woman he fell in love with looking her best and speaking his name without the heavy heart. Yes to lose your partner and your soulmate must be the hardest path in the world but he would want you to live on.
When my brother's wife died at the age of 33 years he was devastated but after awhile he realised she would have been horrifed what he was doing to himself. He moved house and began to accept although it was so hard watching him go through the pain etc.He suffered servere panic attacks ended up in hospital.
Being close we use to sit and talk and i said talk about her the laughs you had the places you visted keep all the good memories and throw the bad away. This really helped him to come to terms.
I am not trying to preach but drinking is like a vicious circle it numbs the pain for awhile then comes back in worse and harder to cope with.
When I first lost him I did the things he wanted done i.e. I arranged for the bathroom to be done and the hallway (well with a lot of my neighbours help). I wasn't drinking.
I have only started drinking heavily these past few weeks. This morning I have woken with a lump on my head because I think I may have fallen down the stairs.
I wish I could do all the things that you are saying but I just don't have it in me.
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Too much anxiety
Worry when I care too much 
When accepting and letting it be becomes too much.
All too much 
