Drugs and their lovely destruction on my life.

[bumblebee01]

My anxiety makes me feel like i’m not really here, i feel very transparent, my breathing is so slow, almost to the point of occasional. (I’m sitting here and only notice after a long time that I’m holding my breath or breathing so shallow that the rise of my chest makes me jump). Looking around the room everything looks pixelated, a little fuzzy and very very bright. My whole body has this vague sensation all over that it’s vibrating. When I look down at my hand it really is vibrating I blink and it stops.

I feel a quite sick and nervous, and my heartbeat is fast. However, overall I am sitting here typing this in quite a relaxed manner.

It’s so odd that this particular feeling which i’ve had years ago when I was really bad, has come about now for no particularly obvious reason.

I smoke, and this morning I had a ciggarette and my head convinced me that I was coming up hard, suddenly I leapt off the sofa and walked into the kitchen as everything brightened and became white and stared at the sink as I hallucinated. I began convincing myself that the tobacco I’d pinched from my housemate must have had drugs in it like crushed up E or something (I know this is all ridiculous and even I read this thinking ffs jaz but my anxiety me really believes this. It’s like i’ve got an evil twin in my head that tries to frighten me and make me think things are drugging me or people are trying to drug me and I always believe her)

I just needed to get this off my chest whilst distracting myself from what i can see is going to be a bad afternoon.

[Hidden]

Hi jaz, try and stay calm and I can think of worse songs than 1,2,3,4,5 lol. Back in the day as I'm an old bird, I took LSD, not proud of it but was 15 and wanted new expieriences to expand my mind and all that bollocks, I took it for breakfast, lunch and supper daily for ages as well as weed, speed, you name it I'd swallow, smoke, snort it but acid was my favourite. Then 3 yrs later when my daughter was 6 months old, I took some mushrooms and had a bad trip, first one ever. I was so worried I was going to hurt my daughter. I never took another hallucinogenic again. 4 years later I had a flashback and it scared the shit out of me, I got the creepy feeling up back of neck and over head that I got coming up on a trip. I was a mess. I had them twice more but not as severe, the brain is an amazing organ and we should look after it better because when it wants it's revenge on the abuse we give it, it can really fuck us up. I don't know why flashbacks happen but they do stop. Xxx take care of yourself and your brain Jaz you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Good luck and keep posting xxx

[bumblebee01]

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate your reply.

I too am fascinated by the brain, I can't help but pick myself apart when this stuff happens out of sheer curiosity that little ol me can create all this stuff without so much as a beer to help.

I'm sorry to hear about your flashbacks, that's one of my biggest fears, and problems, the reason I have my anxiety is through the constant notion that a tiny bit of the drug is still in my body and will one day activate and I'll just start tripping and what not.... obviously a ridiculous notion but one I manage to bring to life as and when I'm stressed enough. it's a horrible feeling. Especially when it's not real.

Thanks again. Makes me emotional, I haven't had a place where peoplel really listen in a while. I think this blog will help me. xxx

[Hidden in reply to bumblebee01]

Your very welcome,

Stress and anxiety can cause chemical reactions in the brain so the more relaxed you can be the better. I start to freak out when I think of the brain, mind and how it works and w hat it's capable of so you are not alone. Xxx