My family are morons.: Happy flippin Mother... - Anxiety Support

Anxiety Support

53,073 members49,185 posts

My family are morons.

Rose555 profile image
7 Replies

Happy flippin Mother's Day. To the people out there that are lucky enough to have decent family and parents this might sound harsh or odd. I've chosen to build a life for myself away from my mum in particular, but I don't particularly think my dad is exactly the model parent either.

It's so hard, especially when I feel down and vulnerable to stay strong and not go back to that life. My mum never had the time of day for me, we never got on and from a very early age I developed a sense of contempt for her. Now I just really hate her for the lack of consideration, time and effort she never paid me. My older brother got all of this, which really hurt. I used to feel guilty for thinking this way but I now know I'm justified and deal with it a lot better. There are times though, like now, that I'm reminded of how 'ordinary' families are, and everything I missed out on. It sucks.

My dad is playing happy families with his wife and her children, and he's doing his best to pretend/wish I didn't exist. I'm a reminder that he's meant to take care of someone other than himself so he mostly just doesn't get in touch.

I think some people have zero clue about what's actually involved in bringing up a family. Other than the act of actually creating one. It makes me so mad. It's cruel and selfish. In my parents eyes though I'm sure I'm the one who's done wrong by fleeing and refusing to be part of it anymore.

When things are good in my life I can generally deal with this, and I know that there are people out there who have experienced a lot worse. But I have just been rejected (again) by a guy I liked which I've also just written a post about so I'm feeling a little bit sorry for myself. It's also Mother's Day, I generally don't buy into money making gimmicks such as this but when you see how other families are with one another its really tough to not feel resentment.

Written by
Rose555 profile image
Rose555
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
7 Replies

Hun , believe me , no family is perfect , well i dont think they are , there is always something , we just dont always see it

I no you may have told your parents how you feel , but have you tried writing it down how they have made you feel & giving it to them , its harder to ignore when its in writing

I had a great realtionship with my Mum , but my Dad I dont think he even likes me , lost my Mum though , & my Dad is still here , still not treating me as he should

I cant change him , never will ,yes he can still hurt me with his actions & words , but I can walk away now or I even do tell him when he gets to much

I do have my own family , which helps as i dont focus as much on what my father is like , infact its helped , because I try so hard to be nothing like him as I would never want to make mine feel like he makes me feel ...

Focus on the people in your life that are worthy of you , even if its your friends , friends can turn out to be better than family at times

You are not on your own hun

Love

whywhy

xxx

worrymagic2013 profile image
worrymagic2013

Just to agree and add that the nice thing we imagine are enjoyed by others are just as much fantasies as the awful things we picture when we are anxious. Everybody has 'stuff' and while some stuff is harder than others, no one leads a perfect life so try not to torture yourself with the idea.

Sorry, not putting that very well. I have been there, when in a v unhappy marriage.People's lives are not what we think at either end of the spectrum.

BriarRose profile image
BriarRose

it's true, unfortunately, families are NOT all the loving, supportive, caring things they should be. My mother was lovely, but she suffered from severe MH problems - barely treatable in those days; my father was frankly a bastard, a bully and a tyrant, who never showed us any love or care, just bad temper and domination. And remember, appearances can be very deceptive - that family you see in the restaurant, apparently having a lovely time, may not be like that at home - very few are, I'm afraid. I have two older sisters (I have no family of my "own" as it were) - who (seem to) think that everything bad that's happened in my life is my own fault - any achievement is ignored.

It IS hard - we feel our family SHOULD care about us, especially our parents - but sometimes life just isn't like that - and the old saying is still true - We choose our friends, we don't choose our family! I sure as hell would NOT have chosen my father - although to the outside world he appeared fine!!!!!

Whywhy is right, hun, concentrate on your friends, build up your own circle, people who care about you and who you care about. And, in the end, you have YOU!!! Remember, you are a one-off, unique, there is NO-ONE in the whole world who is exactly like you! So go out and BE YOU - that'll show 'em!

Lots of love, hun

Rose

xxxxx

aberkaz profile image
aberkaz

Hello Rose,

I feel your pain I'm currently the other side if the world in NZ as my parents got so much the last 12mths I needed some time away! Well it wasn't 100% the reason for coming away but it was Defo part of it.

They message me saying they love & miss me, which is sweet but I'm still with struggling to accept the s**t they out me through growing up & more recently. I needed them to be there for me & love me then not now I'm a 30 something independent grown up.

Just speaking to them on the phone from here gives me anxiety! But it's true what ppl say, it's not about forgiveness but acceptance. I have got upset here because I'm staying with a lovely, caring family & it reminded me of what I felt I deserved but never had. The mum had to give me a hug.

Problem is the only people that can change your mum & dad is them, no matter how much you try, wish, rethink the past or the current times it is out of your control. Believe me I have tried many times.

But there are plenty of other lovely people out there apart from your family that can give you the support & love you need at times. You also have to remember to give yourself some love & support.

K xx

There is no such thing as the perfect family. It can appear that from the outside but you can't see the problems inside. I always thought when I was young that my mother didn't like or love me. My dad did but he didn't count in the family hierarchy. Neither of them could show love in any way I could accept. For years I was bitter and wished I had a better family, a more loving one and that I had a much better relationship with my mother. I still feel to this day a bit 'cheated' but I have long since moved on from this.

This started when I moved away from them and started living my own life. As I got love and approval from others my family's love and approval was needed less and less. And I learnt other things from my journey through life - things that had never been in my family like love, support and most of all simple kindness. And I learnt forgiveness too. I realised they couldn't help being the way they are - they were a victim of their upbringing too. I chose to live my life differently so I think I am a lot happier than they were or are. So I have ended up being able to accept them for who they are and slightly pitying them their limited understanding. I know I am not limited like they are and because of this I try to teach them the things in life I have learned and they both appreciated and responded to this.

I also recognise that they both tried their best. My father always went out to work to support us all and my mother was a wizard at managing money and making sure we were all clean and well fed. They deserve respect for that at least. Neither had an easy life.

My father died 4 years ago (he was 89) but we had some good times eventually. My mother is also 89 and in a care home. I redefined my relationship with them both and am still doing so for my mother. I am still not sure if I love her or not but it doesn't matter anymore. I pity her now because she is so old and feeble and we have a good new relationship. I appreciate things I didn't before like her wicked sense of humour. And I am very kind and supportive towards her which she knows and is grateful for.

I have 3 sisters also. One is a recluse, one is a thief and the youngest is very up herself. So I don't have any family I feel close too but I have good friends.

I'm not saying its easy - far from it - but the answer is to find your own life and stop wishing you can change people - you can't. You only have control of yourself and your own life.

Bev x

Rose555 profile image
Rose555

I might feel like that eventually but because I'm not happy, fulfilled or have a happy life of my own yet, I feel absolute anger towards them. I spent Christmas Day on my own because my mum didn't ask me, she spent it with my brother. My dad didn't think to ask either, he spent it with his family. This is just the latest rejection I've dealt with, obviously over the years there's been plenty more. In no way am I ready to forgive or pity them. I actually hate them.

Yes agree, everyone has a past, and can be the victim of their upbringing, but what excuse is that, really? Why have children if you can't even give them the basic things in life? I'm quite sure that when my mum is old and frail she will seek me out for support, and ill show her the same consideration she's shown me over the years. The funniest part of it, she thinks that the sun shines out of my brothers arse, lets see how perfect he is when she needs him to visit in the nursing home! Because he won't. Unless there's something in it for him, eg a pay out in her will!

I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for people in my life who want to know me for who I am, not what I can do for them. My mum is a drunk, brother a druggy, and dad just absent.

Believe me, I have tried talking to both of them about how I feel. It is ignored, retaliated against and basically ended up being a waste of time. That is, at least they know why I don't bother visiting, so not a complete waste of time.

Rose555 profile image
Rose555

K, I'm about same age. Can't wait to be in a loving positive relationship, the main thing I am striving towards. I'm sure it will happen one day. It's great u are staying with a supportive family!

Thanks all for your kind words. X

You may also like...

Happy Holidays to my extended family!!

early-on Christmas day 😖!!! So I'm definitely filled with symptoms of mother nature and anxiety....

Looking for advice to save my family!

if my mums problems are the reason for this and with the pattern I'm seeing it's true. My mum goes...

Well my son rang and spoke to my mum today but didnt want to speak to me..

live with his dad as he terrorised my family until I did, I never bad mouthed his dad and believed...

Friends understand, family :(

- I often tell other people that one thing I've learnt is you can't change other people,only your...

Should I tell my family about the abuse?

have, I couldn't just keep my mouth shut and let her feel alone. I've been alone with this problem...