What to do...?

[Gazza10]

Hi, this is my first post ever on any site but I am running out of options. Basically my gf suffers from anxiety pretty bad, we've been together for 3 years but in the last 12 months I have started to really notice it. She always has something that is worrying her which obviously affects our interaction because the whole time iher mind is working overtime. The only way to describe it is that although she is there physically, emotionally she isnt which makes it hard for me. I am a bubbly outgoing person which seems to help because rather than dwelling on her moods I try and keep things light hearted but I have days when things are getting to me and its these days that I need her to pick me up but she will just sit there silent because my mood reflects how she feels. Im exhausted and although I love her to pieces Im beginning to wonder if I can carry on like this for the rest of our lives. Would be good to hear from anyone else who has experienced anything similar and any advice on what I should do.

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Hi ya Gazza. My OH is suffering from anxiety and boy aint it hard. Its been going on for what seems a life time. We dont live together and since Aug barely seen him has he has withdrawn into himself. I am like you a bubbly person, but its has taken over me as a whole. Again like you if i need picking up he cant do it. We had a bit of a crappy weekend just gone. It was his birthday and he ended turning his phone off and didnt hear from him til the Monday night. By then i was worried sick and in a state. He is in touch barely. We havent spoken over the phone, usually speak 3 x a day. He is tired and fed up but obv i am getting the brunt of it. If you read my blogs you can read the whole rollercoaster ride. There a numerous times i feel like leaving but would you leave your partner if they had cancer. On here people have been fantastic. Its helped me get a idea of what he must be feeling. I have looked for support groups for being someone with anxiety but doesnt seem to be any. Its good on here though. They are a lovely set of people who will help you. Anything shout me. Know what you are going through. x

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Hi there.. I just felt I wanted to comment although I may not be of any use.... I suffer with anxiety and Ive been with my bf only 18months and Im only just trying to make him understand how it feels,,, its hard if youve never experienced it and I hate feeling this way and I know he has felt I just dont want to be with him, but its not the case, she will feel terrible that it affects your lifes, Im pretty sure of that. ... and this is only how I feel, but I just want him to try n understand, not take it personal and just let me deal with it in my own way, but accept the way I am and give me the space when Im suffering without going out of my life...Its very hard luv I apprciate that, but if your really love her, maybe its worth trying not to take it personal and let her have her time, be who you are and wait for the mood to change again, I know I feel worse if I feel im under pressure from my bf.... I dont know if any of this makes sense but I hope just talking about will maybe make you understand a little...

|Lots of luck..... keep smiling

:-))

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Anne that makes a lot of sense. You do feel as the "normal" one that it is your fault. You know that as the anxiety sufferer that they need their space but it is so hard. Looking at it Saturday i had a mini meltdown over the phone with him, not seeing him, etc. Now he says he feels a failure and sick of messing up. It is crap. Thats why Gazza has come on the best site. Plus if he didnt care he wouldnt be taking time out and find the site. xx

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Yeh i think its great that both of you have come on here to try and understand and shows how much you love your partners..... It must be very hard, I think my partner just feels like I dont wana be with him and cant understand when I try n explain how it feels when the panic gets hold, it makes me totally irrational and then he says perferctly normal stuff to me, and I feel stupid which makes it worse really.... and I do think sometimes Id be better on my own cos I wouldnt have to explain or feel guilty for making his life complicated, but he is trying to understand , I gave him a self help book id got for myself so hopefully this will help.... Anyway good luck to you both... and remeber dont take it personal..... xx

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My OH opens up to a certain degree. I dont think he grasps it. He is waiting for counselling and his doc has said it isnt a overnight thing that will disappear. Letting him have his space is so hard. Like i say only seen him a handful of times since Aug. With the events that happened i am giving him his space, want to ring him but like peeps have said on here its a common thing to close yourself away. He can explain and explain how he feels, but when situations like this keep happening you cant help but take it personal. It is very complicated. Friends dont get it and think i should leave him. Ignorance to me. xx

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Well I do see my oh every weekend although at times ive pushed him away and also ive run home, ive tried to finish with him, but he hasnt let me and im grateful to him that he hasnt given up on me, sometimes i dont feel like going (he lives 100 miles from me) he works in london so I go up there on weekends, and i find that hard at times,,,, but were both hanging in and hopefully we will understand each other soon... I hope you get something of what you want and deserve soon lou... must be hard for you if youre not seeing him!! xx

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I have tried to finish with him but he says he lets me rant and ignores what i say. Yeh its rubbish not seeing him, but these things are there to test us. if we do get through this then we can get through anything. We understand each other and he is my best friend.............apart from at the mo. He is a complicated person, a loner. Lives in the countryside and set in his ways. I do think if he didnt want to get in touch then he wouldnt. I just have to give him the time he needs. Have you heard me, make it sound so easy when it kills me most of the time. Thanks cos you have helped. xx

[Gazza10]

Thanks for the replies, I live with my gf so I suppose its slightly different in that aspect although appreciate they both come with there own set of difficulties. I dont think she suffers as bad as some others judging by the stories of sufferers I've read about but maybe she is just really good at hiding/ignoring it. Typical example is that she'll quite happily sit in the same room for the evening and barely say 2 words, it seems like its always me that strikes up the convo and keeps it going, or being intimate is always because I have initiated it. I feel guilty because although I think the world of her and am trying my hardest to help her get through it so I can eventually see her enjoy life as she should, I dont want to spend my life living the way we are! I just dont see any light at the end of the tunnel!! Ive gone to her doctor with her who seems to just want to prescribe her with pills, I've researched online to try and understand what it is she is going through and ways to treat it but it feels as though its me thats doing the running rather than the other way round. After a long days work the last thing she wants to do is think about why she suffers from anxiety and in her own words "feel like a crazy woman". I would marry her tomorrow if she can find a way past this condition but at the min I cant see she can which leaves me in the terrible situation of finishing it with her because I cant live with the fact she suffers from this condition which again makes me feel like a complete ****

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I dont think there is anything wrong in saying you dont want to spend your life like this. I dont and i am sure anxiety sufferers do. I feel like i have lived and breathed this 24/7 for a lifetime. My OH finally snapped 6 months ago but when i look back been so much longer than this. Sometimes i think its a godsend i dont live with him. Like you say difficulties both ways. All my OH does is work, go home and sleep.I dont think its a case of your OH hiding/ignoring it, they just seem to be so overwhelmed by it all. It as stupid as it sounds makes me feel better that its not just me that feels crap with it all. I have only known one person on here who was the "normal" one. She disappeared as they must have sorted things out. Saying that though anything on here will be answered on here if you have questions. I like you have looked into anxiety, but on here you are dealing with it first hand. We can scream together, cos i class it its a rollercoaster ride. Numerous times i fight with my own thoughts to finish it but i cant. He means to much. The not seeing him well thats all part of the illness. Been nice to get someone's elses side that is a partner of someone with anxiety. x

[Gazza10]

I know what you mean, it definitely helps talking to someone else who is going through a similar situation. I dont obviously talk about how its affecting our relationship with my gf purely because she already knows it affects us and doesnt need to hear me going on about how "her problem" is the major issue. Its hard for us to see the person we love going through this trauma and being almost powerless to do anything about it so the only thing I can think of doing is siting down with her and work out a plan of action that we are both accountable for. It seems like the anxiety kicks in when she has something to worry about, so Im told that by writing a list of any concerns and addressing them at a certain time during the day can help them as they can tell themself that they dont need to dwell on it as it will be sorted later. If you know of any methods that have helped you with your OH then let me know and anything I find that seems to be helping I'll let you know

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I do think me having a go on his birthday has made him retreat. That was my way of addressing things that were bugging me. We get ourselves all wound up, and they like you say dont realise. He has said before i have every right to do it. We have the right to voice our opinions as its tough for us.There were times when he never asked how i was over the phone. It was all about how he felt. When i metioned it, he has started asking again. Methods...............................well the only thing i said was speak to me, how you are feeling. It works depending on his mood at the time. If you do work out some plan of action please share with me. At the mo since we are not verbally chatting i have asked him to txt me to let me know he is ok. I make sure that i txt him first thing.

[Gazza10]

wow that sounds tough to not be talking verbally. I find that although talking about it has certainly helped and by getting some kind of action plan in place will hopefully over time overcome her anixiety, not making it the focul point of our relationship has been soooo important. When all we did was talk about it and how she felt at every given opportunity I started to take over and become what our whole relationship was about. What I find that works for us is getting out and enjoying ourselves to take our minds away from it for a while. She enjoys horseriding so we'll go down there, take the horses out and I enjoy skiing so we'll go to the local dry ski-slopes and have a bit of fun. My limited advice would be to give that a go and see if it helps break him out of the vicous circle his in and show him that he can have fun whilst suffering with his anxiety. Hope it works for you both!!

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Well verbal contact has been made. He admits this is the worse he is feeling. i did say i want to just take him out for the day and forget about things. He isnt up to it at the mo. He has a lot of things going on that hopefully will be done with soon. Hopefully it will help his state of mind and maybe things can be back on track. I dont hope too much as you know with anxiety if varies from day to day. Its good with the horse riding and getting her to do something to take her mind off it all. Its a horrible thing to have and it has certainly opened my eyes to things.