Self Destructive! So lost at minute!

I have been living with GAD most of my life, developed when I was about 7ish, and avoidance behaviours through my adolescents/teens/early twentys seem to manage it to some degree, there were days/weeks/months were it seemed impossible to go on and symptoms got the better of me but I coped to some degree without help until a year after my 3rd child was born and boom my world caved in, mental breakdown, and all that Id being doing to cope all those years just didnt work, had every sypmtom going and it took me years to get back any normality i once had..For 13 years since I have had a number of setbacks, have seen 2 psychologists, 2 counsellors, 2 cbt's, of which all were fab at the time and gave me space/time to be me, but the one thing that has helped me is in the early days when I was agasp at was happening was reading/learning/going to self help groups to be educated about what I had, writing a journal, being able to refer back to it at times when I had a setback and giving me hope/motivation to know that things would pass, to keep going...This past 18 months have been probably the worst anxious wise since I had my breakdown, I have several episodes of self destruction, absolutely hate myself for putting everybody through what Im going through and just try to run away so they dont have to be burdened or suffer me grrrr, I fear of being happy, what the hell is wrong with me jeeez....I keep going but nothing at the minute seems to work, I have a fantastic partner/family who are so patient/strong/keep me going and eventually through a lovely therapist at my local mental health team I have been referred to a psychotherapist at one of the top centres where I live as she says she wants me to have the best help as this has gone on long enough, as she believes for years that I have just been masking the problem, just unearthing a little of where my anxiety stems from(she was fab, basically drew my life on a white board from the age of 7 and it just looked so SAD at times and uneccessarily complicated)...she says I have to go back to when I was 7 with my pschotherapist and establish where it comes from....I have to say I am scared but I know she is right, I dont want to be this way, I feel so lost at the minute and every day is a struggle...Oh dear I will keep going though, one thing Ive always had is determination...thanks...didnt think it would be so long, I guess once you start !

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4 Replies

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  • Hi I can relate to u so much. I too av suffered with GAD since I was 7 and av been in therapy all my adult life. I developed an eating disorder frm the age of 17 becus it was the only thing I cud control in my life.

    I av been in psychotheraphy since Aug of last yr and it has helped me so much. We went bac into my past and av layed traumas to bed so that I can move my life on.

    It has saved my life as without I Wundt b here. I hope it changes ure life too huni. Xxx

  • I have done exactly the same but the past always catches up with me l see my self as a strong person but got to a really bad stage and should of got help years ago

  • Thankyou, it makes such a difference to know that I can explain my GAD and im in a place where fellow sufferers instantly relate to what im saying, this immediately makes you feel less burdened and more human, if you know what I mean. Its good to know that psychotherapy has worked for you, im determined to make a change so I will approach it with full commitment. cheers D

  • Keep strong...it helps me to know that im not alone in my feelings of anxiety/panic/irrational fears..... good luck to you both :-)) xx

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