Dear Diary

I woke up today with a terrible headache and i feel shaky and anxious, with that lump in my throat yet again. Its probably my body fighting the fluoxetine, i dont know. I really hate being me, i hate the people that have done harm to me in my past that have contributed to me being the way i am. I dont want to be like this anymore, i need to be strong again like ive always been, but there was only so much a person could take out of life before they went down. My job which i loved, is no more, because of my illness it was too dangerous for me to stay there, im so sad about that, and hate myself even more for being so weak and now im isolated yet again.

[ellabella]

You are having a rough time Linny, you are not alone love. You have lost a job that was precious to you and you are mourning it's loss. Yes I know you are thinking you have nothing left but I spy a spark in there. If there was nothing you wouldn't feel so much anger. You can do this Linny, I can say that because I have been there and still can be at times. Take heart my sweet and resolve to change that hatred into something positive today. Use that energy you have to your own good. Or you could come and clean my house??? lol

Love and Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[looloo]

Hi lin, listen everything you have said all these feelings are ANXIETY they are not the real you they are the illness just as other illnesses have symtoms this is anxiety....It is an illness just like anything else and although you are in the middle of this.....this too will pass.......I know its shit and you feel that you cannot go on, but you know what you will cos there is always light at the end of the tunnel...give your meds a chance to kick in to take the edge away, your body will be high on adrenalin at the moment and that doesnt help. be kind to yourself cry, do a jigsaw or get a colouring book anything to distract the thoughts and feelings.

in my thoughts

looloo xxxxxx

[Hidden]

Thanks for replying, it means a lot. Ellabella i just feel like a big failure cos i couldnt carry on with my job, it was just too dangerous the way i was feeling, and working with horses and having anxiety do not mix, i would have ended up getting hurt. As for housework, takes me all my time doing my own lol and all this week and last ive had to clean up after my dog because she's been in season and she's a pretty big rottweiler so you can imagine what its been like, luckily she's not allowed in my living room :), im getting her spayed after Xmas.

Yeah looloo, ive been on fluoxetine for 7 weeks now, and the anxiety got worse, especially last week when i had a sort of meltdown, i was just an emotional, anxiety/panicky wreck and had to leave my job, which i tried to get back on Tuesday but the boss told me it was in my best interests not to come back to work there.

Hopefully its starting to work, il just keep taking a day at a time x

[ellabella]

You are not a failure love...we all feel like that at times. You loved that job but there will be others. I know horses pick up any anxiety so I have to stay away from them myself as they scare me. Poor things! I do admire them so much though they are too big for me. OooooI can imagine the mess you have had to clean up lol! I do love my cats...they are warm and they are alive...and I love them. Pets can be so important when we need a hug and can't get a human one. I do hope you feel a little better today. One day at a time is my mantra too : ) x

[Hidden]

Hi Ellabella, im just feeling the same as yesterday, woke up again with that headache and just feel shaky, its a cba to do anything day again cos i just feel like shit im gonna have to sort my head out cos this is not right, this time 2 weeks ago i was working and supervising helpers around the yard, but now im just a weak, dithering wreck sitting on the couch in my pjs and housecoat all day not doing a thing :/. I think i might have to go back the Drs to change my meds, even tho its only been 8 weeks, i shouldnt be having headaches and feeling like shit, scuse me language.

[Hidden]

Hi. linny. The word 'hate' figures prominently in your blog. Hate, in nervous illness, can only make you feel worse because it uses an awful lot of energy and is self destructive. It took me many years to stop hating the way my mother treated me but, after she died, I realised that she knew not what she was doing. It is strange but Love is a very healing emotion. If we can love ourselves and love others likewise we are halfway home. This may sound irrelevant to you at the moment but I found that as soon as I stopped hating a great relief came over me.

You are NOT weak and isolated. You are here on this site so how can you be isolated? Also you are NOT weak. I have said before and say again; the people on this site are some of the most courageous I have met. How can you be weak? To me you sound very intelligent and I am sure your intelligence will eventually outweigh your self hating thoughts. Let us know how you get on. My very best wishes. jonathan.

[Hidden]

@ Jonathan, thanks for your encouragement i really appreciate it. Yeah in CBT i am working on the hate emotion i have, its so hard with what ive been through, years of mental and physical abuse from my mother who never gave love or hugs or even food for that matter, and then years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse from an ex boyfriend who was a lot older then myself and then there is years of bullying from so called friends ...........so i think im finding it hard to trust people atm but im getting there. I like to come on this site and have a good rant, i find it helpful to just rant my frustrations, like writing in a diary, but your'e getting responses, its really helping me.

Thank you all for your replies

Lin x

[Hidden]

Hi Lyn

I m really sorry for what u re going through..I had same kind if problem in May this year.Feeling like a failure or not in control are feelings that I can relate too.At one point I was on wrong medicine and I was out of my head,lol...I m joking now but it wasn't t fun then..I hope u ll be better soon.hugs