Ashamed of me?

[ellabella]

Hi, I have always had trouble with my anxiety and nerves. Panic attacks....you name it. As I have got older and more able to speak my mind I've realised how my flaws embarrass my family. If I stick up for someone whom is clearly struggling with issues of the mind, there is ....silence! I have a facebook page as I use the games for distraction. Among my many, many "friends" around the world , if I post anything about Mental health there is ....silence so I end up going back and deleting the post!!!! I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but my family apparently think differently. They say "Hello are you alright?" and I feel as if I have to say "Yes thanks are you?". I don't think they would come again if I really told them how I feel sometimes. It's a shame isn't it ( pun ) ? lol. Good job I can still laugh at myself sometimes, it makes up for all the times I break my heart on my own : ( I'm damn sure I'm not on my own here. Anyone feel the same? xxxx

[Hidden]

Hi ellabella. This is a common occurance. People will talk endlessly about their physical problems (organ recitals) but find it hard to listen to anyone with a nervous or mental illness. This is because they are fearful of something they do not understand. People have two choices. They either find out about something they do not understand or they ignore it. With any sort of mental illness ignoring it is the better option for them. "There but for the grace of God go I." This is why I always say that to talk to anyone who has not "been there" is a waste of time. I am afraid this includes some professional therapists. Nervous illness can be a very lonely business. I know from experience that when I sit in front of someone who has not experienced "nerves" most of what you say is not understood. That is why most websites that deal with this problem only employ those who know: who have "been there". Friends, relatives do not know what to do. With physical illness, however serious, there is always something that can be done, but with nerves it gives the impression that, whatever we do, we do not seem to be trying, and there is little result, so they give up on us. We are labelled cowards or people give up on us because they think it simple to "snap out of it". To them it may be that simple because the mild anxiety we get in normal life has no comparison WHATSOEVER to that experienced in nervous illness. So they call us weak. I have said in a previous blog; we are very courageous people to suffer the way we do and still carry on. Anyway, nervous illness can strike anyone at any time if they become stressed, and this is why most people shy away from it. ellabella; do not delete your blogs. People need to be made aware that a problem exists and it may help them to understand. Keep the greatest blessing of all; your sense of humour. Blessings and good luck. jonathan.

[Melgil58 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jonathan I agree with everything you say especially the snap out of it part or I sometimes get the pull yourself together line which is red rag to a bull time with me I don't hide from my condition I'm pulled together just and understand it all to well iv had it long enuf I try not to be a misery guts somedays it works for me Somedays it doesnt I'm not ashamed of my illness I didn't ask for it so why should i be and i get on with a life everyday when sometimes getting out of beds a major victory . As you say keep your sense of humour and all the best and wish you good days...Mel

[Melgil58]

Hi ellabella your right about the silence unless you find a fellow sufferer most people suffer what we do but say nothing for fear of being labelled a weirdo which we are not I thinks down to the name it's not exciting enuf when someone asks rarely what's the matter with us and all we can say is anxiety which most people put anxiety down to being something like watching a horror film and your waiting for the gory bit to happen and the mental tag they think we are going to go nuts any minute which we arn't we are just over sensitive to things and situations if anybody asks me what's wrong I tell them and like you I'm on a social network Twitters my thing and if I tweet something it stays tweeted I don't delete because I'm being true to my self what other people think or can't handle I can't help if they don't really want to know it maybe because they're probably dealing with something themselves I don't want fake sympathy I'm dealing with this illness with friends and myself most days and I get and try to give true help from and to fellow sufferers here's a good place to get things off your chest don't be ashamed of how you feel that makes us hide away put light on something horrible it usually runs away and we can handle it better anyway you have a good day and all the best and find something funny and have a good laugh at it that always makes me feel better ..Mel

[Hidden in reply to Melgil58]

Hi Mel. Well said! I entirely agree. We must express our feelings and not bottle them up for the sake of others. Good luck. jonathan.

[ellabella]

Oh I am so glad I found this site! I really don't know how I coped before! Just been for my weekly shopping to the supermarket ( which is dreaded ),I painted my face and a smile as well for luck and..... promptly dropped a very large plastic container of milk on the floor...... needless to say it went everywhere....I pulled a tissue out of my coat pocket and dabbed at my milk covered face. Now I am sat laughing like a mad woman : ) . Clothes in the washer, coat next hahaha!

Thank you Mel and Jonathon for your swift and very helpful replies. It is a very lonely business being mentally challenged , but you already know that don't you?. I'm not used to speaking to people that actually know what I am about. I promise no more deleting blogs!!! if folk don't like it ...they can delete me lol. Thank you again for being there, it really does mean the world to me xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Hidden in reply to ellabella]

Hi ellabella. It's truly amazing how everything seems to get dropped when one is in a state!! I start to find it irritating until I can see the funny side of it. My wife drops things but does not get annoyed or irritated but just picks them up. How we make issues of everything! I know the answer lies in not getting annoyed and frustrated as this only increases the problem; but oh, how difficult it is at times! Glad you find all the comments useful. That is what it is all about. jonathan.

[hedgecrone]

Just seen this and can relate to a lot of what you say, Ellabella, as well as the other replies. I find I am living behind a mask most of the time because I am terrified that if others knew what I am REALLY like, they would run a mile. I feel totally unacceptable as a human being because of my horrible feelings and horrible thoughts - and believe me, some of them are not pleasant because I have this comparing thing that I do which is part of my anxiety....I always compare myself unfavourably to other people but it's worst with people I know well - including some of the family and friends. I don't want anyone else to suffer because of me, so I say and do what I feel are the 'right' things and make the 'correct' responses, like pretending to be pleased for someone#s good news when I feel sick with anxiety/envy/ resentment inside!

If you can be yourself, that is by far the best solution. I can't. I know that for me, being myself would lead to the rejection and isolation I dread. It takes courage to say to the world 'This is me, folks- take it or leave it!' but I don't have it. I can't talk to some of my family and be honest about exactly how my anxiety and mental health issues affect me. My husband and daughters are the only ones who know everything and whom I can trust to love me despite who and what I am.

Well done for being you - and being proud of it. We are all suffering, in one way or another, and I'm glad we can post without fear of judgement!

[Hidden in reply to hedgecrone]

Hi hedgecrone. We all put on an act with those who do not understand how we feel. You are unique!. There is no other person in the world like you, and that applies to us all. YOU DO HAVE THE COURAGE, we all have, but it remains untapped until we can see our thoughts for what they are. As Dr. Weekes says, these thoughts come when we are nervously exhausted. There is no harm in putting on an act. You say you do not want others to suffer because of you. So you are capable of compassion! OK. That's a start. Perhaps you can go from there and stop putting yourself down. I get a good feeling from your blogs and I KNOW you are not the inadequate person you think you are. You have a loving daughter and husband, my goodness, how some of us wish we had. I have been most fortunate in having an understanding and loving wife. Without her I would have been out for the count long ago. Comparing yourself with others is not helpful. As I said before, you are unique. You no doubt have attributes that others have not got. Perhaps they envy you! "This is me, folks-take it or leave it". Exactly. You do not have to change who you are to suit others. Just be yourself, warts and all; but at the same time move toward recovery in the way that suits you best. We all understand how you feel on this site so keep in touch. Blessings. jonathan.

[ellabella]

My dear Hedgecrone you have brought me to tears.......not bad tears, but tears of recognition. You have put my feelings into words. Believe me I am a nasty, bitter person when I am arguing with my family and friends in my HEAD! but to their face I am sweetness and light ( well sometimes ). I am isolated and rejected but I'm still here! as are you. To have a husband and daughters whom love and trust me is a dream I have long had. You have courage aplenty my dear and I can't count the times you have helped me on here. You always jump to help and make so much sense. Thank you for the tears and the laughter, we can both be bad buggers together eh?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Melgil58]

hi ellabella hope your having a good day its sad you feel your family dont seem to care you maybe wrong its hard to live someone whose having a bad time because sometimes its hard for us to explain in black and white to them how and what and why we're feeling as we do logically. We know ourselves but explaining it to someone is difficult for instance how easy is it for you to explain how you feel to your dr how many times have you walked out thinking i wish id remembered to tell the dr that we know how and what your feeling because we're here in the same place with you and will be here to help you have good times and try not to think too badly of people who dont get us good luck Mel

[ellabella]

Thank you Mel. I don't really know what is happening to me lately. Usually I can hold it together. I am finding that very hard at the moment though. I hardly have a good word for the cat!!! I have been here before and know I will eventually come up to the top again. I don't go to the doctors anymore, just pick up my prescription every week from the desk. My pysc discharged me for not doing what he suggested. I feel detached from reality and safety. I also know if I go back to the doctors he will refer me back to the Pysc and the whole thing will start all over again. This is the only place I trust to tell how I feel, only people that have been there. I don't trust any of my family or pretend friends. I do feel sorry for them though as my son has this problem too and I feel hog tied with him. It is very hard having this illness and seeing your child have it too. Watching and hearing the same advice....knowing damn well it's not going to work through personal experience. Up and down, up and down, take this ,take that, and.....relax xxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi ellabella. Poor cat! I bet it is calling you a few names in its feline way! I have read a lot of your blogs over the past few weeks and I certainly do not regard you as a person who gives up easily, and I am sure you have been a great help to others. You know the "roller coaster" effect of nervous illness. Not pleasant! Do not give up on yourself or your son and keep the blogs coming. I feel you need as much support as you can get. Look after yourself and blessings to you. jonathan.

[ellabella]

Thank you Jonathan for your support and acknowledgment that I am on the planet, otherwise I would wonder......and I do love my cats lol, may God bless you richly and make his light shine upon you xxxx

[Hidden]

Hi ellabella. I am sure He does, on us all. Love and best wishes. jonathan.