wish my brain would switch off!

I'm have a bit of a bad spell with my anxiety, this episode started on Sunday.

I've actually started writing things down with the way i'm feeling so here is some extracts from the past 3 days........

Sunday 5th = not long found out i'm pregnant, think i'm 4+3 weeks along. Been having mild cramps which i know are normally but also getting sharp pains on my left side. I then start to worry about eptopic pregnancy.- brain is constantly ticking over that something is wrong.

Monday 6th = still having sharp pains but less often so put the pains down to my PCOS and am less worried about them today. Took my eldest to his hospital appointment this morning and i did feel quite "normal". We were home for about an hour when i noticed throbbing in my neck, which then leads me to panic something is wrong with me - heart beat feels fast and chest feel achy for the rest of the day adding to my anxiety more and my brain is constantly ticking over.

Tuesday 7th = Felt ok in the morning but in the afternoon i started to feel anxious about my doctors appointment. Getting ready to leave the house i started having palpitations and chest started aching. Sat in the doctors waiting room i'm sweating and feeling really warm, breathing is really heavy. Told doctor about my pregnancy and that i'm no longer taking the beta-blockers, he told me to carry on with the cCBT and see the health visitor if i'm bad as she can offer extra support as well.

Really felt like i didn't want to leave the house today, rest of the day my mind is constantly ticking over that there is something wrong with me as chest feels heavy for the rest of the day.

Today = i actually felt ok this morning which was a relief but i did feet there was something lingering to start my anxiety off, if that makes sense. Anyway my mum has just popped round all upset, she got sent home from work as she broke down crying about my gran's passing.....hence this has now put me on a bit of a downer .

I feel like i need to get out of this house today so i'm off to make the kids dinner and partner should be home soon so when he is i'm off to pick some bits up i need for our wedding in 10 days time.....you know i don't even feel excited for the wedding, it feels like the anxiety is stopping me from enjoying the process of it all i just feel like i'm going through the motions of it.

I just wish my brain could just give it a rest for a change i would feel OK! even just for a short time is a break from it all.

Oh and thanks to my anxiety i messed my end of course exam up which led to a FAIL! i can resit but need to pay £100 which is money i haven't got atm with the wedding coming up so looks like i'm going to have to do the whole course again which has just wasted my half year at uni :( i was worrying before i went into the exam as i forgot my I.D but they were fine about it then when the guy was going through the rules of filling in the 3 test papers it was like he was speaking a different language to me. Then the first 20 mins of the exam i sat there motionless and felt like i wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Anyway partner is home (took me a good half hour to get all this down) i'm of out now and i hope a change of scenery from this house will pick my mood up a bit and divert my brain into thinking nice thoughts.

xx

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  • bit of an update.....

    i managed to get out the house and even though it was for an hour or so it helped and cleared my head a bit. Popped to the cemetery as shops was near there to put some flowers on my grans grave. Not the one that has recently passed but the one that passed a few years ago. its been awhile since I've been.

    Might sound a bit mad but i just felt so comforted by how peaceful and quiet the cemetery was and could quite easily of sat there most of the day.

    I'm home tho and got some bits put together for the wedding....my middle son then managed to smash his lip open whilst on the skate park ON HIS BMX! He's fine tho and im impressed i didnt freak out and rushed him to the hospital like i normally would. i was rather calm and his lip just looks worse than what it is :)

  • what a manic day for you my flower . Tomorrow will be better I'm sure ..sending hugs xx

  • Good grief - you are going through it at the moment. Keep strong. Bloomin' kids can definitely add to your anxiety! Take care. Karen x

  • Know the feeling! It's evil isn't it. You feel like you have to get through each day as opposed to actually being allowed to enjoy it! I just keep getting anxious about what tomorrow will bring... Will I keep a stable job? Will my boyfriend stay with me? I tell myself just enjoy life, go with it but it's not long before anxiety soon kicks in and wrecks everything again! Don't worry though, with your exam, at least you can resit it, do it after your wedding then your mind will be more on it! :) xxx

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