Has anyone had any luck with changing their beliefs about their life? I understand CBT and mindfulness and I've tried to put some of what I've learned into action but I'm coming up against the problem of not being able to see an alternative to my beliefs. This is where CBT has been problematic for me in the past. I've never had the opportunity to speak to a professional (still on the waiting list after two years) so I try to see the alternatives myself. I think i used to be a little better at it, but over time my hopes have been eroded away and I'm finding it very difficult to find an alternative to negative beliefs.
So for instance, I can't imagine a life where I feel happy and safe and secure anymore. I used to have that to aim for and could see ahead to how I would achieve it, but now I just can't imagine it at all. I guess I used to think that when I have a job I enjoy I will feel better, but now I've had a go at my dream job and found it too stressful, that has been taken away. I used to feel good with an ex boyfriend a few years ago - very good, I felt like I was living in a fairytale - but then we split up after about 18 months. I have a very nice boyfriend now that I have been with for about two and half years, but I don't believe in the idea of having a happy relationship any more. I think I told myself after the last one that there is no hope to find a boyfriend I would love in the same way. In a way, I do love my boyfriend differently to the last one, but I still love him. It's confusing. And as well, I used to think life will be good once I have more friends and do more things. But I have more friends and do more things now and I find it stressful and tiring.
Now I look ahead and I can't see any possibilities for happiness, I can't imagine what life would be life without anxiety, and I can't imagine life ever having meaning or being fulfilling. It's like I've tried everything externally and everything has been proved to go wrong. I can't find any internal resources to believe that things are ok.
How do I convince myself that life is ok if I can't even imagine life being ok? I feel trapped by my thoughts - the constant negativity - it's a stream of consciousness in my head telling me that life is awful and will never get better. But realistically, I have very few actual problems to worry about. It's more that I see life as being completely pointless and everything I have to do - my work, chores, being out with friends, anything - it's all completely pointless and I just have to drag myself through it. So life is only about endurance. I could change my life radically and live in a totally different way, but life would still only be about endurance because I will never actually enjoy anything - I never do.
If I didn't have these thoughts I'd be completely fine and happy. I just don't know how to provide myself with alternative options if I'm finding it very difficult to imagine life not being pointless. I hope this makes sense. Does anyone empathise and have you found a way of proving to yourself that life isn't completely pointless?