Shared experiences of anxiety over travelling please. Pressure from partner.

[AuctionGirl]

I'd appreciate advice, guidance, anything on this issue please. I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks going back some 14 years to when I was a teenager. When it started it was specifically a separation anxiety and although I now consider myself to live a normal life, the panic attacks remain when it comes to being away from home. I can now go away for a week with my husband but I'm very anxious in the build-up to it and I can only go within a certain driving distance of our home, meaning we mostly go away to the West Country. The poor British summer has unfortunately brought things to a head and yesterday we had a massive row because my husband wants to go abroad. I, of course, don't. I have always said to him that he can go anywhere he wants with whoever he wants, but he says he doesn't want to - he only wants to go with me. I know he has a point but I'm feeling so hurt and under attack. I can't just get on a plane, and he knows that. But how do I build up to it? Where are the stepping stones? I tried 2 years ago to get a course of CBT as that helped me overcome everything else when I was 19, but it meant taking regular time off work, which I can't afford to do. I know I should want to make this effort for my husband but for some reason I'm digging my heels in. I'm quite happy with the status quo - I've made it work for 14 years and he knew all this when he married me. Now he's moving the goal posts but it's me that has to go through the agonies. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Really would appreciate any feedback, even if it's telling me that I'm the selfish one in this case and I have to get over it!

[hedgecrone]

You most certainly are not being selfish. Your husband is naturally feeling frustrated at not being able to travel further, but these things don't just happen because people want them to. You can't just 'pull yourself together' and travel. He needs to understand that this is a phobia and as much an illness as anything physical.

Presumably you are a member of Anxiety UK? If so then you could consider upgrading to their therapy membership. They offer low cost therapies, dependent on where you live, with much less waiting time. I definitely think this is worth looking into. Hopefully you might find a therapist who is skilled in treatment of travel phobias who can guide you through the stepping stones - but right for you.

Another option is private hypnotherapy - it could work, you can arrange it in more work-friendly times, hopefully, and it might only need a few sessions. Worth a try?

At the moment you are poles apart, so it's really about finding ways to meet in the middle, with you accepting that your husband would love you to be a part of exploring different places with him and you being terrified of anything outside your comfort-zone but accepting that maybe, just maybe you can envisage a time when you might feel more comfortable extending your experiences. He probably wants to know that you are willing to try BUT that you cannot do it without considerable help and patience.

It's all about making and taking baby steps. Even tiny steps forward mean progress! Maybe you could sit down and work out with him how you might begin this process together, but I think you definitely need counselling and therapy alongside that - something more long-term. Then your husband might be more relaxed, knowing that you're trying to help yourself. The danger is that otherwise your world will become more limited and restricted, and both of you will be unhappy.

So give it some thought. If I were you, I'd go back to my GP if they are supportive and talk it over with them first - if CBT hasn't worked, then you need something more and you have a right to ask for it.

Good luck!

[hedgecrone]

PS - should have said that actually I think you have made an amazing amount of progress given how you were in your teens.That is brilliant! It shows you CAN change things and if you can do it once, you can do it again - but you need TIME and patience and lots of encourangement. x

[devon]

i know how you feel as i suffer with anxiety and the panic also,i actually live in the west country myself nice to know you enjoy our part ot the country. We go to France every year and have done for the past 20 odd years but this year my anxiety has been bad and two weeks before we were due to go i reluctantly had to say to my partner i just cant go which then made the anxiety rise even more.The holiday was canclled but we only got back half of what we paid.my partner is very understanding and knows that when i am feeling more myself we will try and go away for a few days in this country. I dont think you are selfish it is a horrid thing what we have and only people who have been through it will fully understand.

[AuctionGirl]

Thank you for your responses. Having had a massive row about this last night, this morning he came downstairs saying he hated himself for making me feel so bad. Which is just as frustrating! I can't understand how he feels passionately enough about it in the evening to put it all so bluntly and then 12 hours later tell me to forget about it and he'll never mention it again. I told him that's ridiculous and we need to face it.

Hedgecrone, what you say is really useful - thank you. I will look at what Anxiety UK can offer. I have tried hypnotherapy in the past but I never felt it worked. I'm not convinced I was ever hypnotised however. I did overcome a lot in my teens, but it's a lot easier to battle through an hour of panic rather than a week of it! I know I have the strength to sit through something that frightens me if it's only for a really short time and then you become desensitised. Repeating that process is much harder when it comes to travelling.

Thanks again both for your replies. It does help knowing that I'm not alone in this problem!