I guess I just want to vent and try to come to some kind of an understanding. I know that my problems come from being mentally ill but it's hard not to feel like I'm actually fighting something even though I'm not fighting anything at all.
I've had severe OCD (diagnosed) since I was around 12 years old. It was always related to spirituality and religion most of all, but I've had plenty of other themes throughout my experience having OCD. The worst ones by far have been related to thinking I will cause mine or my partners' deaths. I thought the period of time I was obsessed about my partner potentially dying because of my thoughts would be the worst of it (that theme began two years ago and ended just recently) but no, fixating on my own death is far, far worse. Just because I have to live with the excruciating feeling of it without any kind of real relief. For some reason any time my partner would come home or message me I could feel a lot of relief that they were alive and feel better. But for myself it feels a lot more ominous and impending.
The thing that really makes this so much worse is my spiritual beliefs. I don't want to get too far into them because I very much want to avoid giving other people on here more ideas to worry about, but my spiritual beliefs cause me to believe it's actually possible to cause my beliefs to become reality.
I end up just constantly fighting myself to try to keep myself alive in my thoughts and beliefs, and it's exhausting. Some days I'm convinced it's my last and the feeling feels so dreadful and grim and ominous and I feel powerless, and I'm so grateful it hasn't been true yet, but I'm not sure how to get out of this cycle and I can't afford therapy or medication right now. Even when I don't have a bad day there's this ominous undertone to life, like it's a bad dream. I just really want to get to a better place and I still have hope that it'll work out, but it's really hard. Really, really hard. I wonder if anyone has been through something similar.
I think I have the same thing, it’s like once you have the thought it’s hard for it to go away even when you start to manage the anxiety and panic the thoughts are the hardest challenge, it’s hard when we don’t have the money to fix ourselves I really do feel for you because I know how it feels. I hope one day we find something that helps the thoughts disappear or atleast more manageable when we do get them. Stay strong it really is the hardest thing to go through.
Thanks for your kind response. There's so much power in not being alone in our suffering to be honest. I think something that I didn't realize before my mental health problems became severe was how lonely it can make you feel. Thanks again. And I hope one day instead of the thoughts disappearing, it'll no longer matter to me when I feel them. I'm working on it through training myself not to respond to them.