I used to be so care free, and within the space of three years I'm now reduced to a ghost of the person I was.
I don't even recognise who's in the mirror anymore. I was the type of man who stood up at my mothers funeral and delivered the eulogy at the age of 25, same thing at my grandmothers, held myself together the entire time for everyone else. Travel anywhere, do anything.
I never used to be scared of fainting in public, passing out, going pale, looking unwell, having a seizure. The world was something I saw as adventure, now anything outside my front door is an enemy to my mind.
It's affected my relationships. I'm too scared to visit my last surviving grandparent who lives an hour away, because I don't feel safe. I can't meet new people, because I'm terrified of looking stupid or making a fool of myself by passing out, or having to leave because I don't feel well.
I used to see the world as a challenge that I wanted to conquer, I had so much drive, nothing phased me. Now? I can't even go out for a meal with my father, 10 minutes from my house without having to take a sedative or freak out about it, and can't wait to get out of there.
My mind is a prison, I've put such concrete constraints on it that when I edge towards those barriers, my body goes in to shut down mode. It used to be an anxiety attack, but not it's full on shutdown mode. Like I'm fainting but I get extremely tired and I lose all my energy, like I'm falling asleep. It's horrible because I cannot fight it.
I'm sat here again, another night alone, just finished my work from home job and after not drinking for the past three years, started drinking again over the past three months because it's the only thing alleviating the pain a tiny bit.
I so desperately want to give up, I really mean that. I don't know what I'm living for, the days are becoming darker and the light is becoming dimmer.
How do I come back from this? I am exhausted all the time, I have no drive, I'm gaining weight and I just feel like each day is the end.