My mum has her own mental health problems. How do I deal with her when it affects my anxiety?

[TheBlackdog]

My mum has already been controlling and wears the trousers in my family. She has always been negative and finds it hard to say positive things. I believe this has affected me greatly which is one reason why I think I suffer from anxiety and depression. When there is a slight disagreement between family members it raises my anxiety and I feel like a child. I am 41! I find it hard with confrontation and speaking out. For the first time in years I did a verbal presentation at work. For once I did not get nervous or anxious. I have also fallen out with my mum of late. Does anyone else suffer with their mental health when trying to have a relationship with their mum? And any tips on how to cope?

[hypercat54]

Yes I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who was controlling, bitter, and very vocal with her disapproval. I found the secret was not to expect a positive relationship with her and learn to let her comments go over my head. It's not always easy though.

I also limited my contact with her and was aware that things I did for her were done out of duty rather than love so I wouldn't let my integrity down.

We all wish for the mythical mother ie loving, kind, wise etc. but you have to deal with the reality and not the fantasy otherwise you set yourself up for lifetime of disappointment and negativity. x

[Lavendergirl222]

My mother passed away 5 years ago. I didn’t really get on with her , I tried to but it dint work , I come from a dysfunctional family, but I wish at the time I had done a few things different, like believing in myself even when put down , I have been through years of therapy, and I was taught self belief was so important. Our childhood belief system is hard to change. I think there a a few people on here with mother problems have confidence . Well done for doing the verbal presentation at work .

[Cat33]

I can really sympathise with you my mother was domineering verbally abusive and she made me feel I was a nobody Right from an early age I had to make my relationships with other people my priority and make sure I treated them the exact opposite of how my mum treated me I found that people did like me I wasn't the waste of space she made me feel

I know it's hard but you have to look at you love yourself look at how others treat you realise your mum has the problems not you

I know exactly how you feel I felt like a child too in my 40s

If you can try and look at her when she is negative or domineering and think thank goodness you are not like it

Concentrate on you now see how important you are your life is

I hope you can make things up with your mum as I expect that's not helping you feel good but then make sure you see yourself as a lovely person who deserves respect and kindness and try if you can to let her words go over your head and feel a bit sorry for her

Remember the song The Greatest Love of All the words are so true x

[Lavendergirl222 in reply to Cat33]

I remember my mother used to say that I upset her all the time even though I didn’t . But to keep her happpy I used to say sorry , I used to rise above all the negative comments she dished out. Rather than argue a point I agree with all the comments on here.

[Cat33 in reply to Lavendergirl222]

Oh I know the feeling I used to think my other name was "Bloody Nuisance" and she told me all the time she wished she had never had me She even told my friends mum in front of me that my dad had no time for me and my sister was his favourite I was 7 and loved my dad it felt my little world had collapsed and I always felt a distance with him after that

I've suffered from anxiety all my adult life and I know it's because she put me down and I felt a nobody I still struggle with self esteem

I'm going to be horrible saying this but when the hospital rang me to say she had passed away my first thought was "It's over "not" that's sad "

The last thing she ever said to me was when I was about to leave the hospital I hope your sister comes tomorrow not you

Now reading this how dare one person do that to another It's not normal is it I don't know anyone else who's mum was so nasty

It's good to chat as no one understands what it's like and we are supposed to love our mums

Thanks I hope you are ok now and enjoying your life xx

[Lavendergirl222 in reply to Cat33]

I understand totally how you feel, I think a lot of my anxiety problems stem from childhood issues, I think my parents has a lot of issues too. I have tried to bring my children up a bit different. Too much so I think I tried to be perfect . Sometimes I have been told you have to look at the parents childhoods, at least we broke the mould if you know what I mean. Have nice day.

[Cat33 in reply to Lavendergirl222]

My anxiety stems from my childhood too My parents were really happy good happy upbringing they had a lovely home etc so I have never ever found any reason for my mums behaviour and just accepted everything was my fault I used to think maybe my dad wasn't my dad but my sister and I are like twins to look at and so like my dad ! My sister was treated so differently and I know I was a quite good child so it's all a mystery

Are you ok now ? Yes I brought my children up so differently to me too they are all loved equally

We are very special people as we could have become bitter

Take care have a nice day too X

[TheBlackdog]

Wow thankyou for your replies. I didn't think I'd get 7, only one maybe 2!

It's good to share experiences as dont you think. I feel a little bit of love from you guys now. Makes me feel like I'm not alone with a difficult mother. My Dad is lush but my mum controls everything he does, says and goes. A rubbish marriage hey. Sadly my Dad sticks to her like glue, despite wanting to see me and be in my life. He only phones me if she has gone out. Now that is so rare it's probably 5 times in my 41 years. I dont count my chickens anymore.

Funnily I actually feel quite relieved to not be speaking to my mum. She has done alot of emotional damage over the years. Both if my Sister's suffer too with health & mental health conditions.

I agree and feel that my problems stem from my parents not giving me enough emotional support, love or hugs from say 12 yrs of age and up when I needed it the most. I think my mum is quite toxic though she denies that she has anything in the slightest wrong with her brain, despite the fact that she was both sexually and emotionally abused as a child by a family member. Us kids have had to hear about it all our lives and she has had problems with her relationship with her own mum. So it's no surprise really that I am poorly. Still this site is so good for support and advice. Knowing we are not in the wrong and suffering because of years of their strange parenting skills gives me hope that I can feel better on the other side.

Thankyou for replying x please reply some more it's really helpful

[hypercat54]

Have a look at this as it might ring a bell for some of you x

blogs.psychcentral.com/chil...

[Sabio77]

hi, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are not alone with feeling that way when voices are raised and have disagreements. I do not like it either. actually, I have found that that is a normal reaction after a person is subject to such verbal and emotional abuse. I am an overcomer of a relationship of lots of condemning and controlling. it is not easy and yes, we feel like a child regardless of our age. the key to healing and restoring yourself is to dig deep and forgive the person and know who you are inside. so believe in yourself, focus on the positive skills/traits and the great person you were created to be. I am sorry that you have to go thru that. Heres something to think about. a person no matter who they are only can act out what they know. so the person is this case is your mother, try to find out what causes her to be that way. what happened to her that has created such anger, bitterness, and resentment. she could also be experiencing something she has no control over and doesn't like the situation and doesn't know how to handle it. may people lash out because they are hurt. hurt people hurt people. many times, my dear friend, listen to them talk, during their raised voices, and condemning, etc. they tell on themselves what they are going thru and are looking for ways to justify their own issues. this is a journey for many people that I have learned thru my own recovery process. hope this helps you. prayers for healing in your mother and your relationship as well. hugs of encouragement.