Honestly I'm getting sick and tired of my wife working almost 7 days a week double shifts and me stuck at home with the kids , I myself work a fulltime day job 730 to 430 and she is on part time pulling doubles day and night with almost no day offs besides a few mondays.. I'm just being straight up I love my kids to death but I need some damn help , I'm the one struggling with this damn anxiety and she doesnt see this . I've tried to leave in the past but she says why am I using our relationship as if it were bad. I told her what relationship ' what marriage your hardly ever home and half the time my kids are watching me fall to pieces at home. It's very unhealthy for myself and my kids . It's best we separate... I'm falling and falling and soon I'm going to have to ask for seperation divorce not just for me but for the sake of my children.. she works at a restaurant as a server and I'm sure she loves the work. But shes left me and the kids in the past with this type of work for some coworker. I'm sure shes having the time of her life with this job and mine is falling to shit. But soon I'm going to make a very difficult decision and it's only for the best of what I have left. I dont need somebody else but I do need to fix myself for my kids.. I'm sorry idk where this is coming from but I'm getting irritated right now ..
Any suggestions I'm sure I know the majority of answers but I just wanna be sure my decisions are good...there is no more family time, quality time or support
I was the only one working before paying everything then she took on a part time to help with the little stuff like power and water but it's like shes working 12 hour shifts a day almost 7 days a week..what kills me more is that on her 1 day off when she does have one she sleeps and hardly even go out to do anything together and then right back to the same cycle all week...you see me I work in the early morning until late afternoon around 430 then I gotta get home to be with the kids because she works around that time...so I work at 730am she goes in at 10am she works doubles so her down time is at 330pm and goes back by 430 -5pm i get off at 430pm..she gets off at 1045-11pm so we are already sleeping. So we hardly see eachother because this is a regular schedule...
I've asked her before if she can just work mornings and be off at nights to help with the kids as I will be drained from work, but she says her boss realy needs her...so I guess I dont need her to right...
Exactly but if she chooses her work over family and her marriage then so be it...I did mention in my post she has left me and the kids before with the same job like...idk why I took her back , it was just because my kids would wonder where and when theyll see there mom again and i just didnt want them growing up with parents separated.. but it is what it is...life goes on..
Thanks dolphin ..that coffee got you up huh. You going on 24hrs yourself
Lol, I was thinking will he really want advice from me after yesterday??? ☕️☕️☕️☕️
Follow your gut. Do what you think is best. I feel like some good has come to me with all my emotional issues. I've learned what's important in life, and what's important for my own survival.
I trust in your advice as long as you ain't telling me to jump off the bridge then you gonna have to change the brand of coffee you drinking...but you good 👌
I have come to the conclusion that she is having an affair with her boss or some one at work, if she really loved you she would make sure you had time together. Sorry but that is what I think.
That's probrally the case and I'm not even stressing about that..all I'm saying if that may be the case I would prefer her letting me be free or else bless your heart...dont let me start having an affair myself because I'm not good at hiding things lmao...and that's all I gotta say...
Seems to me she really doesn’t want to be around you and she really wants her freedom.
I would think your marriage is already dead and you are aware of that !
It ain’t hard getting separated but let’s be honest you are already separated and if you both didn’t have the kids you would not be together now.
Hard as it may seem you need to agree what happens with the kids .visits etc and have a six months trial separation . It will not be easy at first but it will get better with time and who knows you may start to feel better in yourself ....not at first but after a few months ,without the strain of going on day after day with this dead marriage.... best of luck !
That's definitely true , I know she dont wanna be around me maybe more like she dont wanna be stuck with a marriage life at the same time she enjoys being married as to say if shes around other married couples she can pretend to say I'm married to...but friends and families who know her will also see how she is around the kids for example and noticed how she doesnt know how to be a mother...on her day off wich is the time you would spend with your kids she's always yelling at them and scolding them. And I feel this ain't right I mean your kids are happy to be with you after a long week of working and they end up getting yelled at and so.....so anyways alot of people see....
By the way shes off today her day off but shes inside sleeping after going to see her friends from work earlier today . I thought she would ask if we wanted to go do something or whatever but she didnt say anything and I'm tired of asking because it's been this way for awhile and like you said it is that marriage is dead..
This sounds really tough on you and only you know what is best. Getting divorced is a really hard decision to make; it can take a lot of courage to walk away from something that isn’t working. If you are certain of that, then I admire your strength.
A few questions for you to consider:
- Is she working so much to support the family? Do you need the money she earns?
- Not seeing each other enough aside, do you have a good relationship?
- Are you getting any support (professionally) for your anxiety?
- Who will look after the children if you leave?
Separating from your partner doesn’t remove you of your parental responsibility, so is this actually going to relieve you of that and give you the time you need?
For arguments sake, she’s likely to need to work just as much/more if hers is the only income coming into the family home, so you may still need to look after the children, just from a separate home.
- If this is the only issue (the amount she is working and you are having to do all the childcare), is there another way to deal with this which would get you the support and help you need? Other family members or friends who could help out?
This sound really hard on you and I hope you find a way through it.
You make a realy good point and you should open up your online marriage forum and have the 5 questionier...because after reading your questions I'm starting to change my mind lmao..but to be honest it's been this way for so long it's not that we need the money that bad. I mean like I said I was paying everything with my job alone and her job was just to have a little more. But it seems shes taken it to the extreme and seems like her work is more important then family time. She complains about not seeing the kids much or whatever but hey that's your call. She refuses to find another job that can work around times so I feel like I'm here and shes there. As long as she has somewhere to come to shes fine.. I like how u put that if I leave she would have a hard time finding a sitter and needing to work more to manage bills..my family have been supportive but also they have jobs so they couldnt help watch the kids and I wont burden anyone else because others have their lives to..we just need to work on ours...I also agree if I left I dont know what she do with my kids so that's another reason I'm laying back. You realy made this clear for me and I apreciate your concern as my mother would have put it..
You’re welcome, I’m glad my reply was of some help.
It sounds like she’s pretty closed to discussion and how things are doesn’t sound fair on you at the moment. Before you make any ‘final’ decisions, I really think you need to find a time for a proper, long talk - don’t hold back, tell her everything and see if there is a way past it. If there’s not, maybe it is time to end the relationship. You do have to put your kids needs first, but so does she, so don’t let her take advantage of you.
Amen thank you for this...I needed someone to understand where I'm coming from. Our relationship is nothing. We dont kiss , dont even sleep in the same bed anymore. Our 8 year anniversary just passed and we did go out she was excited she planned the evening of dinner out with the kids but when we got home i asked if you know we were gonna do some cops and robbers 😁she says shel think about it.. so it almost sounds like something also is in her favor outside of home..but I'm not worried either.... I will end up having a long talk with her soon like I've already done before and if there is no compromise then it's time to pick up the sail and start sailing..🙏
It seems to me my friend, that your wife has found a way to have a separate life for herself while retaining the benefits of marriage. Supposedly , no one can fault her because she is working. You are essentially a single parent. It would be ideal if your wife would return to being a wife. If you divorce, you won't be any better off. Getting her back in the home is going to be difficult unless you find a way to make it rewarding for her. You should be able to find a way for both of you to have what you want. It may take time to work this through.Start with one thing each of you wants and negotiate. You may want an evening off, she might want dinner out once a week. I'm sure you get the idea. This could be a way to get closer...you get a little/ you give a little. Try to remember you are making a home for all of you and you are on the same team. Go team!
Wow this is exactly how everyone including my therapist and family thought. They said the exact same thing. I know what you mean and totally agree ....like mom use to say marriage was like 50/50 we may not agree at everything but we both have to compromise and that's where there seems to be the issue..I'm willing to compromise but shes not being eazy about it. Also I got this from family, friends and so as my therapist is that she doesnt know how to be a wife or even a mother. She does make another life for herself outside and that I must agree 100%... why? Idk why....she left me in the beginning, I took her back and it's like shes repeating everything from when she first left. I think she wants a married life but also the freedom to live a single life outside...like I said idk what's goin on ...I would do the same if it wasnt for my children, I wouldn't care much but I see how it's taking a toll on myself and kids. On top of everything else I'm going through anxiety and physical symptoms of anxiety and shes not much of a support ....I admire your comment very much because everything you just mentioned is very on point....
I have been married for 55 yrs. this month. It is a work in progress. Not everyone wants to work at a relationship. I see it as being very much like raising children, they can get difficult but you don't give up on them. The thing that helps us is that we have the same values with very different approaches to life. When we fight, and we do, we fight about the same things we have always fought about. lol Be well.
I knew you had to be married a long time you seemed to have had a marriage approach to the situation. Congratulations on 55 that's a long way of compromises but yes we dont give up on the kids and I never did...I guess I've been the best man I could've been but I'm not getting the best out of her or even just a little. If our marriage should fail it wont be because of me... I will pray and ask the lord to guide me on the right direction..take care mam god bless you and your husband and happy holidays 🙏👍
Thank you for the wisdom and I hope so to that it wont fail but I also hope whatever happens it was done for the right purpose . And about the kids yes I understood what you meant I just didnt word my response correctly but I agree on that as well. You are a true woman you are probrally alot older then me since you were married 55 years. I think generations have changed greatly since your time...but I'm doing what I can and to the best I can. But even though I'm a man, I am only human to and can only do with what I got. Now if a woman wants a superman then she needs to go to universal studios lol...
I must admit to a wry smile while reading your post and the replies as it's usually the woman fed up of being at home and the man out working and having a more single life. Basically it's the lack of family time together and time for just the two of you to reconnect together on your own which is causing the issues. All work and no play is no life and you need a better life/work balance.
I think you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart to find a compromise which works for you both. Instead of expecting your wife to go part time maybe you could? Is that possible? The children's welfare has to come first of course and you both need to work round that. Good luck x
Do you hear yourself? Welcome to our world!!! I worked a full-time job, sometimes 12 hour/7 day weeks, (Mandatory), taking kids to school, room mom, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, team mom, lots more. He worked a full-time 8hrs, also, but that's IT!!! He hired someone to mow the lawn. Put his feet up when he came home, What's For Dinner??? Maybe your wife's job requires her to work these hour's? I bet? You wouldn't be OK if she just stayed at home? Then ALL the financial responsibilities would be on your shoulders??? I wanted to stay home with my kids, my EX had a fit about it, he didn't want the responsibilities.
Your response appears to be condescending and accusatory. People come to this site for support, tips, suggestions, advice, etc. not to be talked down to. They put their most vulnerable feelings out there and just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you can speak to someone like that. It’s like kicking someone further once they’re already down... I also feel like you missed the point of his post. Just because you had a negative experience doesn’t mean you should take that out on someone else. There are ways to reference your own experiences and offer advice without all the derogatory remarks. Maybe you were being sarcastic or didn’t mean it that way but no one can tell through the internet what your tone is. I really think you should reword things before you post them. You can state your opinion and still show support and understanding in a kind way. Not everyone responds well to the kind of approach that you took. Take care.
First of all , my wife dont need to work. This is a man's job to provide for his family and I do stand for this 100%. She wanted a part time job so that we would have some bit of extra money. I did not force her to work and also I had no complaints in the past for paying anything. But what I'm trying to say is that her part time wich I didnt mind in the beginning became a more fulltime plus overtime because of her everyday double shifts realy leaves no time for us anymore. So how will communicate with someone who almost is never home when I'm at home. This has happen in the past before like i have mentioned , the first time she actually left me and the kids for a life of party and freedom. So if this is the world your speaking of , what real man is going to want this. Trust me a real man or a real woman is very hard to find these days. I labelled myself a real man because I do go out and work to provide for my family, I have been there for my kids since birth and when I became a single parent in 2015 . I put my girls in school one through the daycare so that I can continue to work. I have gotten our own place my own vehicle because I had lost all that on our seperation. I put food on the table I got up every morning to prepare my kids for school, I've done their homework after school took them to the clinic for check ups. So please dont assume that men dont go through these phases . I respect the woman for going through this as it is more seen that a woman stays home and watches the kids while the man goes out to provide.. I am not bragging about what I went through but for a man to do all these things I gotta pad myself on the shoulder because usually the men just up and leave and say fk all that...but real men step.up and I hate to put it this way but if what your trying to say is that this is the world of woman or whatnot ..so explain to me why my wife left in the beginning..maybe not all woman are strong either . .....not trying to come back at you on your comment but I just wanted to clarify that I'm not crying baby here.. I'm just a man who is currently going through these anxiety symptoms and phases and I am only human so I to still need support ..and also if there is no quality time , no family time then we are just wasting time
Sounds like I touched a Nerve? meaning there is some Truth to what I said. I know woman who want some financial independence? Earning her own money, woman nowadays don't want to depend on men. I raised my daughter's to NEVER depend on men to survive. That's what use to happen men could just walk out leaving the woman to figure out what to do? That's probably what's going on with your Wife? Child rearing is usually left to the woman, even though I'm Sure you Love your children, it's something you don't nesscisarily like. Maybe couples counseling?
No worries you didnt touch my nerves it's already being utilized by anxiety ..but I can understand that and respect a woman who wants to earn her own and theres no problem with that. I just wonder if maybe while shes out earning her own money does she realize that she has a husband at home and might possibly call it quits because shes to buizy out earning money...because I mean I'm out to earning money but I make sure to have time for my family to. Because then what the hell am I living for if it ain't for my family...I apreciate your comment and I respect what you do because maybe what your doing is actually very responsible and reasonable but maybe my wife is more intentional as to maybe wanting to have freedom outside because that's what it seems like here..
“Sounds like I touched a nerve?!” No, you have not read and understand him. Your words come out extremely harsh and judgmental. Perhaps, start at the top of the thread and re-read for clarity.
I was in a similar situation, but coming from a different angle. We are currently separated and my wife has been working so much, to where I felt just left behind. I have told her repeatedly about her working and it seems that is all she has on her mind. She say she needs to when really she doesn’t. What makes matters even worse is she would go out with friends from work putting an addition of time on my part without her. I know how you feel.
in reply to
Damn this is exactly what's going on here to...its irritating when even on her day off wich is one day out of the whole week she still wants to go to hang out at her bosses house because their having bbqs and whatever.. all she ever does is talk about her work. I feel like we dont even exist anymore.. and Idk about you but i love my job but once I'm off i got nothing to say about work until I clock back in. It might be okay to mention what happen at work today or whatever it may be but to go on all day about work honestly we dont want to hear all of it. It's your day off let's talk about what were going to do today or what we got plan here and now.
Idk man I honestly rather be single right about now if it wasnt for kids....god bless you
in reply to
I am sorry you are going through this as well. When I am off of work I don’t even think about it. Family time is much more important then work time on a day off. Going through the separation has made me feel more free. The way my wife has been, it has really caught up to me on my health, not to mention anxiety. I tried to explain what her actions are doing to me but she just treated it as if it was nothing. Her actions have even gotten worse as days went by. I hope yours do not escalate as far as mine have. Praying for you.
in reply to
I'm sure seperation will help set me free some way..I mean I still have this anxiety but I know some how some way this situation has a big role in my anxiety...sorry you went through yours but we all learn from situations..thanks for your wisdom and I'll be sure to look at things in all ways before choosing wich is the best.👌
I think the first thing you need to do is tackle your anxiety. Life is twice as hard with that. It's hard to think clearly when you're depressed. Next, If you do separate who will have the kids? If you have them full time then you will be no better off. Talk to her and say that it's all too much and you need a break. Tell her you are thinking of divorce. It sounds like she's trying to bring the money in but there should be a work life balance. How old are your children? Do you have parents or friends who can help you? Try to think about this practically as well as emotionally. I hope that helps. Good luck xxx
And that's another thing to is that if we do separate I would do a 4 day on and off with her and the kids. Maybe she will feel it more when she has to give up some shifts at work to watch the kids. And I will have 4 days to breathe..I have family and friends who are supportive and they also tell me that if we do split up dont take the kids fulltime and to let her be responsible to and take care of them as well...
We havent gotten that far yet but I'm just thinking ahead and I do believe working with my condition would be more proper way to manage situations ..thank you for reminding me I have anxiety lol
So sorry for all your troubles! Are you at all concerned for your kids being with your wife if you separate? You mentioned her yelling at them on days off....that could be awful for your kids!
That's something I'm afraid of as well. The fact if we do separate and the kids are with her I'm sure they wouldn't have someone to turn to at the moment because I'm the only they know who they can talk to....but sure I'll always be there if they call on me...these are the things that also hold me back from leaving..great point
I do not mean to add to your stress!!!!!! Just thinking about the kids.....
Ugh! This is a complicated situation. LoL, life IS😂😂
Does your family have a church home? Perhaps there could be some support, direction, counseling there? Even dropping the kids for church activities in the evening? Typically once per week?
It's ok your not adding anything to my stress if anything your much more of a help . And yes life is complicated especially when you try not to let it get to you, it just somehow gets to you lol.. we do have a church but only on sundays do they have classes and I also have family who would help me out but only on certain days when they are able....but despite all the outside help and support I truly believe this marriage needs to be addressed. Because for her she might like this type of lifestyle but on the other hand this is not what I signed up for lmao...I know marriage is not going to be perfect but we are supposed to get through things together . But it's like I'm getting through things alone and its unhealthy .....if anything I'm willing to do the best for my kids because at their age 9,6 and 2 years old... this is the age they see and they program. I dont want them to keep seeing this broken up mom and dad ....I hope everyone understands where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to look for attention I'm just trying to be a father and wanted to be a husband ...I'm sure god will guide me in the right direction
I feel bad for what you are going through. I have been married for 17 years and my husband is my best friend. I stay home with 3 kids and he works 12 hours a day and weekends since he is building a house on the side. He appreciates what I do at home and with the kids and I appreciate all his hard work to provide for the family. I respect him and he respects me and we tell each other "I Love you everyday". I have a lot of health issues and he stayed by my side, because that's what love is. We have arguments sometimes and we make up. We can't be upset with each other for too long because it hurts so bad being upset with each other. You deserve someone that shows you Love and Respect and her not being around is what the kids are going to remember. The kids may not tell you but they see and hear things and it stays with them. All marriages have ups and downs but certain things are just unacceptable. I would never do what your wife did and does to my husband or kids. Being together with someone that doesn't love and care for you it's going to affect your self esteem and you are going to think that you don't deserve better. You deserve better even thought it's not an easy situation. I whish you all the best and that you make the best decision for you and your children. Take Care
Wow now that's what a marriage is supposed to be.... I thought mine would've been like this , I dont know where it went wrong. And I dont talk bad about my wife I just feel like shes not being the wife and mother she needs to be. If I ever do leave her I dont mean it in the worst of ways but only for the best ....my kids and I dont deserve to be singled out
It takes two people to make a marriage work. Only one person making it work it's not a marriage and the person trying suffer a lot because you loose a lot of your energy on it. You deserve better. Before making a big decision talk to your wife and tell her that changes have to be made for the marriage to work or else you can't continue like this. This is causing major anxiety on your self. You didn't do nothing wrong, sometimes things happen and by the time we realize it's too late. I can't believe you guys don't sleep in the same bed or have sex. That's shocking. Wishing all the best, you deserve better. Take care.
Definitely takes two....and I'm only tired of trying because I'm living in a pretend world ..honestly if it wasnt for the condition of anxiety and symptoms I would be more manageable. But the fact I'm going through this without the help or support from my own wife then basically I'm just breaking myself up in pieces. And my kids realy dont need to go through this like this...as far as sleeping together or having sex you can throw that out the window....its krazy to see her going about her days happy and everything without it...I'm not assuming anything but then again maybe someone else might be making her happy. In that case why not just go be with that person. I mean I ain't gonna be mad she done it before..I rather prefer her to go seek her happiness and let me seek in mine ...but like I said I dont want to assume I just wanna resolve the situation. Me sitting up here in the forums ain't gonna resolve anything but it is gonna open my eyes up more before I take action on anything. Your comments and advices I've been given in here is very much apreciated
All the best, what you have is not a marriage and it's not fair for you and your kids. Let us know what comes out of this. Sending you all the strength to solve your situation.
Hi QUICH. Lots of really good advice in the replies above, so I won't be repetitive and will not add more to the many matters you are dealing with at the moment.
I do want to wish you well, though, and i hope you don't take any rushed decisions in the heat of the moment. I do feel for you: so many things happening at the same time, so many important decisions to take... (in a different way I also have many problems to deal with all at once).
So once again I wish you all the best! And keep us updated, if you feel like it, that is.
I do not feel you are looking for attention! But! I would re-consider offers for help here and there. Perhaps just to go for a walk, burn off some adrenaline/anxiety, and come back re-freshed; ready to be the best you, you can be. Often times getting our anxiety under control balances so many other areas. A lot of us here have a hard time accepting help, which only furthers our struggle. We often have a , “yeah, but,” for every area people suggest to help us! Most especially taking people up on offers to help us with kids, errands, monetary, etc. Seems like Anxious people can get all mixed up in martyrdom. (Maybe this is just me😂😂😂😆🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️)
Perhaps take the walk, then write out all the things you cannot tolerate anymore, and all the things you are grateful for in your family/life right now, and then write plans to go about changing the “intolerable” issues. IF you feel comfortable, under calm and loving conditions go over the list with your wife, starting with your grateful list🥰
Good for all of us for any area of our life! Stewing in this junk keeps us spinning! (I am a champion spinner🥴)
Oh I know a simple walk will not fix everything!!! Trust me! Serious heart pounding exercise releases chemicals that do help us break thinking traps and loops, but many of us struggle to push through the anxiety/depression to do it! Forgive me if that seems trite.
Exercise is proven to be as effective as meds in many cases of mental health issues, research shows. I am not or would ever say every person in each situation can exercise their mental illness away!! But! I know it cannot hurt!
Me? I have used running and swimming to clear my mind. Does it solve all my problems, no, but it almost always clears my mind and gives me hope and a new perspective .
Yup definitely helps. I used to hit the gym.up daily and also swimming. All until the dizziness came on and lightheaded feeling 24/7 its kept me from getting back to those activities. I might need ssris to help me push through. Not a cure but a booster to get me feeling better then from there I can get back to working out and also to recovery.
For sure! Depression/Anxiety is not a “one and done,” type of illness. Physical, Spiritual, Emotional. Diet, medication, sleep, exercise, relationships, purpose, therapy. We heal when we layer several good habits and optimal self-care, and some “other-focus.” (Think helping someone else have a good day!)
With that said, and with the fact your pcp prescribed ssri’s, I assume he/she checked your general health?
Hoping this week is kind to you😉
I slept very little last night....😝, so I am encouraging you in an effort to also remind myself of what others have shared with me!
Sorry late response I'm assuming we are in way different time zones lol..but also I had insomnia lastnite. Literally went to bed at 8p didnt actually sleep till 4am...that sucks alot....also had a dream of my moms late sister wich was kind of freaky because I knew she was suppose to be dead but literally next to me in my dreams..very vivid lmao...bless your heart 😅...
How am I freakin scared of my aunt..lol...i guess because shes suppose to be desease
Thank.you agora1....I always find your responses very true and upfront. And I know everything you said is probrally 98% true and accurate. I'm just using the other 2% to wish it wasnt. But you are right about age and made alot of sense about what she might be going through. I guess when the time is right and I cant give in anymore I'll know what to do.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
xx
Can I get rid of my medication soon? 
My first time getting acupuncture...
I’m tired of my anxiety and the effect that has on people 
A long and tiring day
I’m tired of this 
