These past two days I’ve just had such negative thoughts on myself. I mean I think everyone gets negative thoughts about themselves at one point but usually they feel bad too. I don’t feel bad at all. Like I’m not upset that these things about me aren’t good. And that’s what’s worrying me. I think I know the trigger but it’s not for certain.
The reason kinda has a backstory so bear with me. See my younger brother is dating this girl who has a brother my age. Said brother I thought was a jerk and I was content not knowing him. Well when I met their mom the other day I learned he was actually a good guy, he was just with the wrong people. I learned that where as I thought he was going out with his friends to party, he was actually their designated driver. So now, of course *eye-roll* I have a crush on the boy.
Now this boy is totally not what I usually like. He’s got kinda a f***boy appearance and hangs out with the popular kids whereas I do not. Basically I’m not exactly what you would think his type is. Average looking, somewhat smart, gets good grades, doesn’t party, etc. That doesn’t keep me from imagining though. Which i believe is where the negative thoughts come in.
I’ll be imagining that he actually talks to me but then I tell myself “Snap our of it. You aren’t pretty. His ex girlfriend is wayyyy prettier than you by a long-shot. Why would he be interested?” That leads to “even if he didn’t care about looks, what do you have to offer? You can’t carry on a conversation. You aren’t funny. You are way too awkward. He’ll likely get bored.” Which leads to “Why are you even imagining this? It’ll never happen. You may talk to me but it’s a one in a zillion chance he will be interested. Just forget about it.” But again I feel no sadness, no anger, nothing. Just emotionless to these thoughts as if I’ve accepted it. And to an extent I think I have. I mean I know I’m not very pretty but I had always hoped my personality would get me a boyfriend. Now I’m not sure.
I really am beginning to wonder if this crush isn’t just opening my eyes to other insecurities I may have. Is this a normal thing? Does everyone get this way about crushes? Or am is something wrong with me?
Thanks.
Ps. I did post something earlier this week. To those who have read both I’m sure I sound a bit over the top but I really am a bit worried about myself. I