Thinking : So as I sit here and look upon my... - Anxiety Support

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Thinking

Julie_z
Julie_z

So as I sit here and look upon my life and wish I could go back to life without panic attacks, I realize that I’ve always been an anxious person. I’ve always had scary what if thoughts. I’ve always been a nervous person. So I’m sitting here thinking about how I wish I could go back to the me 2 years ago but anxiety was already there. However, I had never let my anxiety and what ifs stop me from traveling or doing anything. I always had negative thoughts but never experienced the physical aspect of anxiety or panic disorder. I’ve always been a single mommy full of responsibility and aspirations and enjoyed every minute of it. I feel upset that I let this spiral out of control. Now I’m here at home in my comfort zone yet still don’t feel comfortable nor less panicky. The holiday is two weeks away and I haven’t worked in 2 months due to this and now my children will be affected by my choices. 😣

2 Replies
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This sounds exactly like me. I was so anguished and would always say I wish I could just go back to how things were even 3 years ago and after diligently thinking about my past and now, I've realized that I've always had anxiety. Ever since a kid when I faced situations that I didn't know what the outcome was gonna be I was always full of intrusive thoughts, full of imaginative scenarios,heart palpitations, tunnel vision, nervous gut, cant sleep. And never let things go. Always held on to negative things and kept it inside. Very pessimistic. If I was heartbroken or someone hurt my feelings, been disappointed, let down for several times I was always worried about the situation for forever; never let it go. Always was afraid of death, etc. And just as you said, I guess before I just didn't experience the physical symptoms of anxiety or even knew that's what it was to let it affect my day to day. I was just as you mentioned, always on go with my goals and aspirations, never was a stranger to hard work as a single mom. Always worked and took full responsibility of my part as being a mother. My daughters come first. Fast forward to now, I do cherish the things I once took for granted when I use to pray to be famous and wanted what I thought was the life for me. I overlooked how important health is and peace of mind. Now I cry beg and plead for that alone. I had to quit working twice and never had I stopped working since I was 15 up until 2 years ago when anxiety took it's part on me. And I cried every day for those two years. Still cry a whole lot now but its getting better. But I cried because I look as how my kids are being affected by my choices I made. But I totally understand you. I wish us the best through this. To a better us in God.

I bet you also never asked for an anxiety disorder either. I think it’s encouraging to hear the fight in your post, your upset that anxiety is holding you back from the things you used to do and so it seems you are ready to take action against that. I’m not sure what that would be but I believe you can move forward from this, especially if you appreciate those little things. I went from a fully functioning 9-5er to where getting dressed and feeding myself and keeping up with some simple chores is a great day. I used to regret losing my job but now I am able to fully work on my self behavior and understanding my issues. When I was a 9-5er most of this stuff I am dealing with was there, fear, dread, what ifs, I just mindlessly pushed past it. So when you do get back to travel again you will enjoy it so much more having had this down time to appreciate it. Don’t beat yourself up, being a single mother with anxiety must be super hard and it is very admirable you are struggling but finding ways to get through it and that’s great. Thanks for posting the picture of those sweet little things. They are the best, I watched a cat sleep on a pillow while listening to nice music and it was so life affirming, I thought how nice I’d it just to be able to be warm and at peace. Wishing you the best and sending good vibes!

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