I know its long but im just kind of venting - Anxiety Support

Anxiety Support

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I know its long but im just kind of venting

misfitt
misfitt

I'm going to start off putting a message i sent my boyfriend "life is getting kind of hard again, and that same anxiety is coming back really aggressive, and i just keep thinking about the past and i cant stop crying,at all, and i just wish you were here, but i know that you cant be and thats okay, but this is the hardest its been in a really long time, and i dont know if its the weather or what but its terrible and im terrified because i dont want to do this again. and all i want to do is talk to you, because i love you and you make everything better, you dont even fall asleep on the phone with me anymore and that makes me sad, but i know that im annoying and i probably wouldnt want to do that either and thats just the truth,im just really scared right now and i just want it all to go away and i dont want o hear the "i wont be here someday" because i know that but today isnt that day. I see everyone else having fun and going out and not worrying like i used to do, and me and mamaw are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow and im afraid to do that and i dont even know why. and keep thinking of all the bad times like when i was in school and had to go home and john had to pick me up and i truly wish mamaw wouldnt have let me date him and stood strong because it just seems so gross now, i just remember being in his car and it cold outside and just feeling like a little mouse in a trap. thats literally what i am, a little mouse and the world is the trap and i want out, I literally cant take care of myselfi jus keep thinking about the past. Its like im fine for a few hours and then it hits me, and its terrible i hate this it makes me not want to be alive anymore i literally feel defeated. I lost. I was doing good, and now im losing. like i know itll get better cause it already did but it comes back, and i dont want it to come back anymore. i know i can do ths but i dont want to im tired of doing it"

I know its long but im just having a hard time and i cant stop crying and thinking about the past): if you go on my page and read the very first thing i posted you might get a better understanding (i understand if you dont want to lol) but i just like knowing im not alone and if you have any ways to cope with similar things please let me know, its just like im getting anxious because around this time last year is when everything in my very first post happened and im scaring myself thinking its going to come back, i have a very vivid mind, so the way that i see things if they look similar like depersonalization i get kind of freaked, and you probably havent read this far and thats okay i guess i just have to get stuff off of my chest, im not sure if its seasonal depression or what, i love fall and winter and christmas, but its like everything is so much better when my boyfriend is here, and i get so attached that when they leave me i get extremely upset, and he lives an hour and a half away which sucks, hes literally like a safe place for me which is probably silly, but he came into my life when all of this shit started happening to me and i guess i clinged to him like "you fix me you make me feel better" and dont get me wrong i know he wont be on this earth forever but neither will I, and he just makes me feel better, but if you got down thisfar thanks for reading my bullshit, i appreciate it lolol any advice works and ill put a picture of me and my boyfriend for shits and giggles (: AND ALSO IN THAT MESSAGE I SAID SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES IF "IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE" I DO NOT HAVE ANY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF LOL but if you do you can always message me and we can talk about it

4 Replies

Not to get too personal but are you on any medication for anxiety? Do you see a therapist?

I've suffered terrible with anxiety since it was triggered at the beginning of this year, but have had terrible bouts of anxiety that comes and goes within a few months for about 5 years now.

I find meditation and exercise help massively.

But I also speak to a therapist regularly.

It's great that you have your boyfriend to speak to and comfort you, but I'm assuming you're both quite younge? It's lovely that he relaxes you, but you should also be speaking to a professional for help as they will help you discover ways of coping with the anxiety.

I hope you start to feel better soon. You're not alone, many many people feel the same way you do. This anxiety won't last forever, you just need to find coping mechanisms for when anxiety starts to creep in.

Oh love, I hate to hear you struggling so much! Such a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart and having anxiety and pain of the past to impact your life in such a tremendous way. You don't have to live like you are a mouse trapped in this world. I understand seasonal depression and how certain times of the year can trigger old feelings- what you have to keep remembering is these feelings are only temporary. There will be a new day that can bring fresh light and perspective. Half the battle is what you dwell upon- choosing to dwell in the positive, choosing to cling to your blessings and choosing to look forward in the possibilities of tomorrow. If you are not already talking with a counselor I really would encourage you to do so- I know for me it helps- having someone trained in dealing with depression, anxiety and trauma to give you tools to work through all your feelings. Sounds like right now you are turning to your boyfriend for this and really that isn't totally fair to him- that's a heavy burden to place on someone that just wants to love you and be a boyfriend. Praying you find the right path and that you know in your heart there can be freedom in leaving the past totally behind you!

misfitt
misfitt in reply to LaPetiteGen

Thank you so much I appreciate you, yeah I need to see someone terribly but I don't know when to start. And my boyfriend tells me all the time he's more than happy to help me, but if I see he's going through much larger things I usually will stop talking about mine because I'm more concerned with him

Hidden
Hidden

I know that it is frustrating when you begin to feel better and then start feeling yourself get back into a bad place... it is SO ANNOYING. The only advice I can give you for that is just don't think so hard about it that you make it come back...and if it does, embrace it and remember that you have gotten through it before and you WILL get through it again. I've only been having BAD anxiety for about 4 months (thankfully) but I still have my days where I feel good and then BOOM, it comes right back.

I relate to you relying heavily on your boyfriend during these hard times, because I do the exact same thing. It is frustrating for me to do, because I start to feel bad and I so badly want to be normal again and be able to go out and have a good time without this depression and anxiety controlling my life.

Your post was very similar to what I am going through right now... Depersonalization is probably the scariest part for me, and I just want to fix it so bad. But since there is no fix, I just need to learn how to cope with it and embrace it when it happens. I hope that will reduce it at least.

I think therapy will be a good thing for you. Yes, you and I can rely on our boyfriends but at the same time, it is nice being able to talk to somebody who doesn't know you that can give you a professional opinion on what you are going through.

Feel free to PM me if you need to chat... I feel that our stories are pretty similar and I would love to help (and have you help me if you could) LOL xx

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