I'm going to start off putting a message i sent my boyfriend "life is getting kind of hard again, and that same anxiety is coming back really aggressive, and i just keep thinking about the past and i cant stop crying,at all, and i just wish you were here, but i know that you cant be and thats okay, but this is the hardest its been in a really long time, and i dont know if its the weather or what but its terrible and im terrified because i dont want to do this again. and all i want to do is talk to you, because i love you and you make everything better, you dont even fall asleep on the phone with me anymore and that makes me sad, but i know that im annoying and i probably wouldnt want to do that either and thats just the truth,im just really scared right now and i just want it all to go away and i dont want o hear the "i wont be here someday" because i know that but today isnt that day. I see everyone else having fun and going out and not worrying like i used to do, and me and mamaw are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow and im afraid to do that and i dont even know why. and keep thinking of all the bad times like when i was in school and had to go home and john had to pick me up and i truly wish mamaw wouldnt have let me date him and stood strong because it just seems so gross now, i just remember being in his car and it cold outside and just feeling like a little mouse in a trap. thats literally what i am, a little mouse and the world is the trap and i want out, I literally cant take care of myselfi jus keep thinking about the past. Its like im fine for a few hours and then it hits me, and its terrible i hate this it makes me not want to be alive anymore i literally feel defeated. I lost. I was doing good, and now im losing. like i know itll get better cause it already did but it comes back, and i dont want it to come back anymore. i know i can do ths but i dont want to im tired of doing it"
I know its long but im just having a hard time and i cant stop crying and thinking about the past): if you go on my page and read the very first thing i posted you might get a better understanding (i understand if you dont want to lol) but i just like knowing im not alone and if you have any ways to cope with similar things please let me know, its just like im getting anxious because around this time last year is when everything in my very first post happened and im scaring myself thinking its going to come back, i have a very vivid mind, so the way that i see things if they look similar like depersonalization i get kind of freaked, and you probably havent read this far and thats okay i guess i just have to get stuff off of my chest, im not sure if its seasonal depression or what, i love fall and winter and christmas, but its like everything is so much better when my boyfriend is here, and i get so attached that when they leave me i get extremely upset, and he lives an hour and a half away which sucks, hes literally like a safe place for me which is probably silly, but he came into my life when all of this shit started happening to me and i guess i clinged to him like "you fix me you make me feel better" and dont get me wrong i know he wont be on this earth forever but neither will I, and he just makes me feel better, but if you got down thisfar thanks for reading my bullshit, i appreciate it lolol any advice works and ill put a picture of me and my boyfriend for shits and giggles (: AND ALSO IN THAT MESSAGE I SAID SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES IF "IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE" I DO NOT HAVE ANY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF LOL but if you do you can always message me and we can talk about it