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Worried

Really worried about my friend.

She is with this guy and has been for 4 years and he is really nice but she told me yesterday that he has been violent to her!physically violent.i felt sick.

I was so shocked as you would never think that of him.

I dont know what to suggest to her.she said it only happens once in a while but when it does its bad.they have children together too.

Does anyone have any advice?

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She should begin making plans to leave him. This kind of behavior usually only gets worse. It is also harmful for the children as they will become aware of it. She should also have a backup plan for an emergency. That is, she should know a safe place to go with her children immediately. You can tell her in general what you think, but she is the only one who can make the decisions.

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I agree with this advice. I was in an abusive relationship for years and it got worse over time.

I regret not having the strength nor the mindset to leave him or have him arrested. I was finally free of him when he left the state.

You should tell her to have a contingency plan in place. She has to be the one to decide enough is enough. I hope she realizes this sooner than later.

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Thank you for your replies.

She said that it happens once every few weeks or months but when it does it can be bad violence and she stays because its quite unfrequent and the rest of the time he is okay.

Its so hard to get involved.but I’m really concerned now.

She said hes not controlling or anything and hes a fantastic dad to their children.

I guess i have to leave it to her and can only offer advice.

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It doesn't matter how often it happens she has to do something about this. Even although she says he is a fantastic Dad the violence that happens to your friend will be affecting the children. What if next time it is one of the kids he takes his temper out on.

You can't make her seek help, but having an aunt that experienced domestic violence and seeing how it affected my cousins they have to do something. There are organisations out there that can help and it could be that the husband just needs help, but she has to do something for her sake and the children.

You are a good friend for wanting to help, but you are right she has to make the decision to seek help.

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My son was in an abusive marriage I know it's unusual to be a guy on the end of it He left her last year to come home but it's done so much damage mentally it's going to take a long time to recover

No one should have to put up with this I hope your friend will see that she has to get away from him Keep chipping away gently about getting help and I'm sure she will see sense The police will be very sympathetic and kind and have specialist officers I really hope she seeks help not only for her but the children too 💕

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There is a national domestic abuse helpline and other organisations that can give advice and help about domestic abuse. It might be helpful for her to look into these so she can find out what her options are. More details can be found on the citizens advice website.

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Thank you so much everyone who has commented and helped.i really appreciate all your comments.

Thank you again xx

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If he hurt her only once, THAT IS TO MUCH . She has to leave, you can research resources for her.

Does she have family that can help

Support her. ? Remind her, the children see what is happening and

she needs to make sure they grow up knowing THIS IS NOT OKAY !

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I know.i totally agree.

She told me tonight that there hasn’t been anything since February.

I asked her about the children and she said they have never seen anything and that its always been when they are asleep or out the house.

Its so difficult for me as i feel stumped and now almost responsible.

She does have family who have no idea about any of it x

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Can I just ask that you ask yourself why you feel responsible? You aren't making her husband be violent and you are just being a good friend and looking out for her. Sometimes it takes a really good friend asking the difficult questions to get someone to see what they are trying to ignore.

My best friend felt guilty about not seeing the slow changes in my personality before my breakdown and problems with me marriage. It took a while for us to talk about it and for me to assure her there was nothing she could do as I was hiding from the problem until I finally broke. (Mines was only an errant husband, having an affair and also a bit of mind games to make me believe the issues in our marriage were all mine. Taken me a while to get over the mind games.) Sometimes there is nothing you as a friend can do but be there and be strong when your friend needs you.

It is difficult and maybe talking to a support group for domestic violence maybe of use to you and they may be able to advise you on what else you can do as her friend.

You are a great friend and please take care of yourself, you are important too.

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Bless you.it sounds like you have been through a lot too.hope you are in a good place now?

The chances of him doing it again are pretty certain aren’t they?I’m just worried now.

Why do you think women stay with men who have been/are violent?

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I have had my own problems, but nothing compared to the abuse I have seem my aunt and sister go through. Mind you see people say that the mind games can be worse that the physical violence. I also learned as well that we can think that we have nothing to complain about and that others have it worse, when it is okay to admit that we are suffering too.

Why do some women stay? Only that woman in that situation really knows, but from what I have heard from my sister it was the promise that it wouldn't happen again. My aunt did it because she thought it was best for her kids because he was the main earner in the home. With me I couldn't believe that the man I fell in love with and thought of as my soulmate could have changed so much and I also blamed myself for not being able to give him a child and then for getting sick.

You are a good friend for being there for her and please look after yourself because I know that this will be stressing you as well, so please take extra care of yourself.

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Ive heard that.the promise of never doing it again.

Its just a horrible situation.

I hope you aunt and sister are okay now and happy.

I think you have done so well and you have clearly learnt a lot from your experiences.you have been through so much and hats off to you for now helping others on here.

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