Feel like a failure

[Hateanxiety]

Hi everyone,I would have written sooner but my phone went out for a few hours today for some reason. Well I wish I had wonderful news but I don't. Today I have been spitting up acid all day and now my throat feels tight,I don't know if its from the acid or if its shrunk or what. Most of you know I have a choking phobia that means I am to afraid to eat like everyone else for fear that I will choke when swallowing. The worst news today is that I am eating baby food and bananas. Its ok if some of you are laughing I probably would also but its all I can seem to do right now every one says I am the only one that can control my phobia but its easier for them to say then it is for me to do, especially since this is the second time I have gone through this in my life

[defx]

No one is laughing at you, especially here ❤️. I have chronic anxiety and can be really sensitive to little physical tweaks in my body. While it sounds like you have a stronger phobia than what I went through, I recently went through a period where I was really nervous to eat and every time I did I kept feeling like I had something stuck in the back of my throat. I think my roommate was like yo wtf, cause I kept trying to hock up whatever felt like was stuck in there. Whenever this happened it would ruin my next few hours! I felt miserable. In part, I just focused on slowing down my chewing and making sure my food was fully mashed before swallowing. My symptoms evolve though and I think my mind just moved past it. Our minds are very powerful things though, that sometimes take a life of their own. Don’t let someone who says only you can control your phobia get under your skin or make you feel like a failure. They have no idea what dealing with your fear is like. You do have some control and I hope you can find ways to move past your phobia over time, but in the mean time, I mean fuck it. If you feel you need to eat baby food and bananas is that so terrible? Just accept that’s what you need for the moment and don’t let it be an additional source of stress. If someone does look at you funny a) be confident and accepting of who you are and b) try compassion - be thankful on their behalf that their ignorance is that they’ve never had to experience a phobia like yours and then c) recognize that in many ways you’re just as strong and in some ways stronger for living your life with anxiety and an accompanying phobia. Sending you good thoughts and solidarity ❤️

[Hateanxiety in reply to defx]

Thank you defx,it makes me feel a little better to know someone didn't laugh at me. I mean I have my husband whom up until a few days ago didn't understand the phobia and would get upset at me saying I was doing it to myself. Thank god now he sees that it really is a fear of mine and I am really struggling,he is actually the one that suggested the bananas and baby for as a beginner and slowly move up to solid foods so I will be more comfortable. And my kids are still young but old enough to understand that I have a problem,and what I'm eating but thank goodness that they are being raised good that they don't make funny or comments,well other than is that good or mom your doing good. Other than my husband and kids I don't have any family except my husbands father but, if he ask how I'm doing with the eating and I tell him he ends up making me feel 2 inches tall so I have to lie and say I'm doing great. But now that I think of it,this site is like family,none of you ever judge me and I am so greatful .

[defx in reply to Hateanxiety]

Sounds like your husband has the potential to be great source of support. I’m glad to hear that. Sometimes it just takes time for people to see for themselves the intense inner reality you’re going through as expressed on the outside. As to your husbands father, I hope he can come around to being more supportive than judgmental, but know that public perception or mental health has changed a lot and that a lot of people out there are starting to understand the weight of phobias and anxieties we carry around. Not everyone of course, but it gives me encouragement to see this change in perception. Lastly, remember that last part I said... your brain is a hell of a thing, and it takes time, patience and mixes of failure and success during the healing process. With that in mind, believe me, you’re way taller than 2 inches for shouldering a burden a lot of people have a tough time wrapping their minds around 💪🏽

[Hateanxiety]

Thank you defx,I am just hoping I can get past the phobia without getting sick or having to have a feeding tube, I don't want to end up like that nor do I want my kids to see me like that.