I don't feel ready to return to work but I'm feeling pressured.

[Larkygirl]

I am married with 3 children aged 17,14 and 10. I have battled with anxiety and depression and self harming for 14 years, I tried to take my own life twice but with the help of psychiatrists and counsellors and the right balance of medication which I still take regularly day and night, I felt it was time I tried to go back to work part time so I applied for a temporary Christmas job in retail just over 4 years ago which I enjoyed and was disappointed when it came to an end. However 6 months later the same company advertised for a part time position in a different store which I applied for and I got the job, which I was happy and excited about, it was a 12 hour weekly contract. I was there for just over a year when the store I did the temporary Christmas job for asked me to return and offered me a 17.5 hour weekly contract with overtime up to 30 hours a week. By this point I really enjoyed my job ( although I still had my bad days) so I jumped at the chance of getting more hours even though I was anxious about moving store again, but once I was there I enjoyed it and soon fit in. Two years into my new job ( 12th June last year 2017 ) I was sent home from work ill and the next day (13th June 2017) I was admitted to hospital with food poisoning due to listeria, where I had an endoscopy and was diagnosed with Gastritis which I was put on medication for ( had to try a few before they found the one that worked for me ) and my bladder went into retention and I had to be catheterised ( which was left in for 5 weeks before being removed) after that I had to self catheterise myself 4-5 times a day for 3 and a half months, during which I had numerous UTI's. In between that time I was in and out of hospital 4 times because of the pain I was suffering, due to which I was put on morphine and dihydrocodeine (for when the pain got really bad) and I had trouble with my bowels, either I was constipated or I had constant diahrrea, I was booked in for a colonoscopy on 10th October and was later told I had IBS-A/M (alternate/mixed) (constipation and diahrrea). Since I first took ill in June I have caught just about every bug that has went around due to my immune system being so low (I have been on countless antibiotics for UTI's and infections). I have had to change my diet and some days I can't eat because of the pain from my gastritis and IBS and have been put on cyclizine tablets because I am constantly nauseus. During these past months my depression and anxiety have got worse ( especially over the last few weeks after I was hospitalised 2 weeks before Christmas with the norovirus as I was severely dehydrated, I was put in a side room for 5 days and because it was contagious the only person allowed to visit was my husband ) and I have started self harming again ( I even had to be taken to hospital to get butterfly stitches ) I feel this illness has ruined the life I had started to build for myself. My employer recently sent me a letter to contact my local job centre as my 28 weeks of SSP had ended ( they had included any holidays I had to give me extra time/money while I was off ,which I was grateful for. During the time I have been off my employers have been really supportive, offering confidential helplines for me to contact regarding my mental health and advice on phased return to work, but I feel they are pushing me into returning to work even though I have told them how bad my depression and anxiety is making me feel, but I don't want to lose my job. My family have been really supportive since I have taken ill but over the last few weeks even though my depression, anxiety and self harming has gotten worse I feel as if they are pushing me into going back to work when I know I'm not mentally or physically ready! I have spoken to my husband and he says although he doesn't fully understand how I feel ( as even I can't explain what's going on inside my head ) he supports me and has advised me to speak it over with my doctor at my next appointment but my mum and dad are pressuring me to go back to work, saying to just get on with it " it'll make you feel better" they say, but I don't think they understand how bad things actually are for me, It's not that I'm anxious about going back to work as they put it! I want to return to work and get back to normality more than anything but right now I feel as if I'm stuck in a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it and I'm suffocating. I'm desperate and feel there is only one way out of this nightmare but I don't want to hurt my kids Please can anyone offer me any advice??

[HearYou]

Are you writing that you are considering ending your life? I am very concerned .

[Larkygirl in reply to HearYou]

I am not planning on ending my life, I just feel as if no-one understands how low I actually feel

[HearYou in reply to Larkygirl]

Good. Your last few lines concerned me in that regard.

[Summerleo]

Do the doctors think you are fit to work?

If they do, can you maybe try to go back just for a few hours at the time? As you said you enjoy your job it might get your head off other thoughts and make you feel better. If after trying you still feel you are not ready, at least your employer/family will see you have tried but you cannot do it yet.

If you are considering ending your life as the other reply says, that's never a solution and as you said your kids will be hurt but also your husband, family and lots of other people that know you. If that's is the case you need to speak with someone urgently and they might be able to offer other solutions.

[Larkygirl]

I still have an active sick line from my doctor saying I am unfit for work, but my parents are pressuring me to go back to work before it ends. I have an appointment on the 22nd to see my doctor to discuss changes to my medication. I did enjoy my job but I don't think I have the capability to deal with the public on a one to one basis when I am feeling like this.

[susannaylor]

Hello larkgirl no one will understand what you are going through or how your feeling if they haven't gone through thus there selves x hunny I have felt just like you do and I am 98% better now x this started last april 2016 and I've taken control of my life now x icdidnt have the self harming problem but no one understood how I was feeling x thought I was going crazy x doctor gave me tablets but just seem to make me feel worse wuth the anxiety. He ask me if I would consider anxiety clinic u said I would try anything to get back to normal x yes I went. I l listened to others what they were going through. I didn'feel alone in this prinlem8any more. It was just me going through it. I ended up dealing with mine like this.

When I felt a anxiety was coming on. I just took myself to my bedroom and laid on the bed for an hour listening relaxing music and doing my bresthung exercise which really helped me or sit and read a book. Make sure you turn your phone on silent while your having your time relaxing just give it a try and let me know how you get on x good luck hunny x

[Hidden]

Wow that's some journey you've had. Don't know what to suggest but good luck with the future and getting well.

[Summerleo]

Maybe see what the doctors say on the 22nd and make sure you tell them how you feel mentally and physically.

About your job if you want/can go back for a few hours but you don't think you can be in front of the customers at the moment can you maybe do something in the back office so you are not with the public until you feel capable? Take care

[Janebee in reply to Summerleo]

Hi I know how you are feeling unless you have been there nobody understands how you feel you are in this big black hole and you can’t see a way out go back to your doc and tell him how you are feeling I to am self catheterising and I know how all the uti you are taking I have them to my doc has me on a antibiotic for it and the IBS you are suffering can be very painful and can cause lots of nausea I have had that for over 20 yrs so I know what you are talking about and anxiety can bring it on but please get help with your anxiety there is a lot of help out there and remember your kids and all your family. how it would affect them what I used to do when my anxiety was bad I would sit in a room by myself and name everything you see in the room start at one corner of The room and everything you see start from the ceiling and go right down to the floor don’t miss a thing out carry on right round the whole room and by the time you do all that you should be much calmer take every bit of help you can get and when you feel ready to go back to work you can do it you will know yourself when you are ready I have been in that dark hole and there is light at the end of the tunnel I know you might not feel like that just now believe me you will get there take it one hour at a time don’t think of the next week or the next day if you can get by the first hour you can get through the next hour please keep me updated All My Love Janebee