"Happy Friday!" (Yeah right)

[Pwayman22]

It's Friday. I'm 22. No real friends, only 1, my dog. I'm a tad lonely.

My best friend died 4 years ago, and I use to cry all the time, but I feel nothing. I have this "O well" don't really care bad attitude going on, and it comes and goes. I don't really sleep, I wake up in panic mode.

Currently listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran. Which makes me think of her, because to everyone else she might've not been perfect but she was perfect to me. And that's all that mattered. I miss her with all my heart. She made me whole, and when she died, I did too. I can't wait to see her again. To me, she was home. And I never got to say goodbye, I feel extremely guilty for that.

I just want her to be alive with me. I want her to live life with me, but she can't. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a companion, I want someone to understand me.

Lol I'm alone, and falling to pieces. "O well"

[LadyBarb]

Hi, and welcome to the UK where it's Saturday!

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so alone 😟. I also feel sure that you'll meet new friends here. ❤️️

I can relate to the loss of your much loved friend. My fiance died, very suddenly, and I thought I'd never get over losing him. We'd such plans for the future. Like you, I felt I wanted to join my 'perfect' other half.

For a while, I was very deeply in grief ~ but given time, grief passes, but not without facing and dealing with the pain of such a dreadful loss.

However, you're now 4 years into the future, and it sounds as though you've not permitted yourself to grieve for her. 😟❤️️ You want to go back, not 'move on'?

May I ask you? What do you think your precious, beautiful, perfect friend would feel that she had caused you such pain, and 4 years later, is continuing to cause you to feel such pain and anguish?

You 'knew' her so well. If you imagine what she'd say, given that her time is now passed, and yours isn't ~ I'd guess she'd not be too pleased with you and what you're doing (or rather, not doing!) with the life you've been so freely given? 😳

I know grieving hurts ~ I've had all kinds of losses to grieve for in my life, and I won't lie to you, it's not a pleasant experience. ❤️️😟

But it IS part of this experience called 'life' ~ and sad to say, you're not experiencing life. It's not a betrayal to move on in life.

You've been granted a beautiful experience of friendship with her, that very few people get to have in life ~ and now you're blocking out 'life and living' and that IS a betrayal of the lovely experience that you did get to have.

I repeat, it's not a 'betrayal' to move on, and celebrate what you did have. ❤️️😊 You will never forget her ~ but you're not doing her memory any justice at all, and THAT is the saddest 'fact' of all, not only for you, but for her.

Blessed Be, with Love, B xx

[Pwayman22 in reply to LadyBarb]

Hello LadyBarb, can I just say I love your country lol. Seriously in love with it!

But It's just hard to live life, and experience life when you feel like your life has been stripped away from you.

When I go out and meet people these are the exact words that come to mind. "why would anyone invite me?" "I truly don't care about this persons life, so why is he/she talking to me?" "Did he/she just ask if I wanted to share an uber, that is not happening, every man for themselves" "No, I will not do you a favor because no one does me one" "Can you not pretend that you like me." "I know I was someones back up friend I know you wish it was someone else with you I know" "You don't want me here, and I don't want me here either, literally" "Sorry, I'm an inconvenience, I know, I've been told my whole life" "You really don't have to ever pretend that you want me" "(OMG Paige I love you, you are so funny) You don't love me and you never will and stop being fake because you know I'm not all that" "I just want to go home and live life (aka talk to my dog, cuddle myself, watch a love story)." "I just want my friend back, these people don't know me, and they don't wanna take the time to." "Is life over yet?"

I put a smile on but its not real. That smile does not come from the heart. It's what I have to do in order to look civilized. I call it "FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT."

I also have this weird thing going on when I think people aren't listening to me. I don't know what that is.

But for example, I will say something to my mom and I will frequently say "Did you hear me." lol after saying something. I don't know why I do that, maybe because I think when I'm around people and I say something I just think they're not truly listening and it's been happening for so long that I don't really care because no one ever listens to what I say.

But when its family it just kind of freaks me out a little bit if they're not listening. It truly makes me uncomfortable. It feels as though if they don't listen then I must truly be shit because no one is listening. And I get really weird and annoyed.

[dougal2]

I really feel for you. Have you tried talking to someone? It can be very hard to open up. I took it bad when my dad died I felt I didn't do enough when he was ill at time I was young and my way dealing with it was getting drunk with friends. Don't feel along as there lots people here that will listen to you.

[Pwayman22 in reply to dougal2]

If I could, I would drink 2 bottles of wine allllllll By Myself! I would feel so victorious!

But yes! I have talked to someone. It's just that grieving is such a weird and uncomfortable process to go through that eventually you just get sick of talking about the something to the same person repeatedly, and "I'm just like lady can you please prescribe me something, anything, I will be so grateful."

Life.