Been a few days and I am officially mentally done

Ok as some of you know my oldest son is in Children's hospital with pneumonia. Well today all the tests came back fungal infection of the lungs. They are getting a liter of fluid out of his lungs a day. Because of his Muscular Dystrophy he can't cough it up on his own, so the intabation tube has to stay for at least a week more. I hate seeing him like this. I'm being told when he is ready to go home in about a month he will still have his feeding tube. I hate that thing! So my anxiety makes me cry all day, I'm spending $30 a day here between the parking garage and food. I'm sleeping on what feels like a high school gym mat, which is making my hips and ribs/chest hurt. I'm constantly talking myself out of the negative and the anxiety of being away from my other kids and my familiar home. I just want to crawl into my bed and never leave it again. I shake, I tingle, I cry, I get cold, I get hot, I get mad, I get sad, I yell, I say things I don't mean, I just want this anxiety to give me one damn break for one damn moment. Just switch it off like a normal person. If this would have been me 8 month ago I would have probably admitted myself, but I am trying so hard to do my mindfulness exercises and CBT techniques but it's getting hard.


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4 Replies

  • Well, SUPER MOM, you're doing and feeling at all the things that I would be if he were my son.

    Hope you are finding support for the staff he has at the hospital and maybe met a few of the other parents worried about their children.

    Ok, what have you done for yourself to keep going? A shower is nice, but a cartoon of ice cream. a candle or two and bubble bath may be due. There has to be some type of dollar store nearby to pick those things up. And find some of dumbest Tell-all magazines to read , get wet and ptich out of the tub after you say "WHAT?" a few times and laugh. If you really find a ridiculous one, please post what it says , or pm it to me if it is really ridiculous and naughty. :)

  • I went to the store yesterday and bought some sparkly nail polish. Downloaded a Halloween hidden objects game. Went and got a few movies from the library at the hospital to watch with my son. I will definitely look for some amusing stories, but just one from here already. Little kid comes to the hospital to visit her sister. Her mom starts talking to me and I showed her a kids game site on the computer. She was playing and her mom said she likes the waiting room at PICU more than seeing her sister, without missing a beat the little girl turns and says, "my sister's here?". Her mom rolled her eyes and the little girl about 6 flashed this big smile missing a front tooth. When they went to leave the room and go back she said," I told you I don't have a sister leave me at the computer!!!" I almost died, innocence of babes.

  • I am so sorry you are going through this, I think you are doing a GREAT job just hanging in there!! I know you said you are doing mindfulness and CBT techniques but are you talking with a therapist or counselor personally?? If not, I hope you will consider really need someone to listen... you deserve that... Please take good care. Loving thoughts to your son and you please take good care. Sending you love and a hug.

  • Yes I have to make the 2 hour trip home Friday morning to see my therapist. I won't miss those appointments keeps me sane for two weeks. Thanks for making sure I wasn't handling all this mentally alone I know for people who feel they can't talk to someone one on one, I tell my therapist everything blunt honest.

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