"Lost and Found, and Lost again"

Since I don't have a lot of people to talk to when I find someone that I like to talk to very much I get attached very fast. The attachment is very strong, it's very hard for me to have a conversation with someone and like it.

So with that being said there's this guy I met on the forbidden tinder and I'm 22 and he's 32 and as shocking as it may seem our conversations are really good. When we speak to one another there's a flow and its really nice. Its flirty, its exciting, its sexy, its fun, its inviting, its intriguing, its entertaining. But I haven't heard from him since Sunday. It's just really hard for me to move on from something that feels or felt so good. I haven't had those feelings since I lost my best friend in the 12th grade.

My feelings are so intense that last night I had dream that I woke up and I saw that he texted me but in my dream I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or actually awake and I woke up thinking I was dreaming but wasn't sure and woke up in a panic to check my phone. I woke up in a panic 5 times, each time checking my phone. I'm more angry because I thought I would just be joking around with this guy and never talk to him again and it turns out that I'm just smitten. We've been talking nonstop for 4 days now. I just feel really hurt because I didn't expect these emotions to happen.

I keep myself at a distance from people because I know they are going to leave, I know they will find someone better than me, I know that I am not enough and I like to remind myself of this so that I'm not devastated when someone chooses to take "blank" to Mcdonalds and not me, or when I'm chosen last to do a certain task, or when I'm left in the back. I know my worth, and I'm not worth much but every girl likes to feel special and beautiful. Its just that when another person can see that part of me, and I can't see it myself, makes me want that person around me to remind me that, that part of me does exist.

Life is just too painful right now.

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