Difficulty finding solution to complex family problems

I am fairly young and still rely on my family, I have yet to work. Most of my days I spend my time at home taking care of my younger brother, whom has some behavioural problems. Everyone else is at work or school, keep in mind this is during the summer. I live with my mom, 5 year old half brother, step dad, older brother, and cousin. My biological dad lives alone, though I visit him every week. My problems stem from my mother and my half brother. Spending so much time with him, drives me insane, and forces him to be dependent on me. On average I am with him about 14 hours straight, while my mother is with him the rest of the time, such as sleeping in the same bed as him. My half brother often says rude things to me, where he learnt them, I don't know. He also says I can't do such and such because I'm a girl and when I confront him he defends himself saying it's just how it is. He simply doesn't understand the issue, but refuses to listen and it frustrates me so much. He's seen my cry over it and got a bit better but still uses excuses and tells me to do his chores. He's also rebellious and is a perfectionist which causes me immense stress when things aren't perfect for him. My mom is not home during the day due to work and other things. Yet when she comes home, she complains that I don't do anything during the day, that I'm always on my phone and being lazy. This is because when she gets home, my half brother gets his designated device time and I go on my phone. I do have to admit I am on my phone a lot during the day, but definitely not as often as she thinks. She also seems to forget how technology reliant we are in this day and age, this might be because the rest of her children were born before it. There is also a history of mental health issues in my family; but I have yet to be diagnosed, though I can tell there's something I should get checked; I mention this because I have issues of my own I have to be aware of, not just my family's. As a child I was very obedient and as I grow up my mom seems to view my awareness as my rebellion. She constantly undermines me and calls me out for things I don't do. And when I do make mistakes, I try to fix them and she gets more upset. When I tell her how I'm slightly struggling in school (which I'm really not but she seems to think so) due to having to take care of my half brother immediately after school until the night and then the mornings to get him ready for school, she calls me a liar and lazy. There have been so many incidents leading up to this already but I feel that the past two weeks have been so packed with insults and glares, that I have to do something. I remember a year or two ago, I told her how I felt and she fixed her attitude towards me for a while but it came up again recently and worse. I do understand a bit of it from her perspective as it's difficult raising children with so many pressures and outside issues. I'm sure I'm going to have to talk about it to her again. Her patience keeps getting shorter and shorter. I've gotten upset internally multiple times this week, and I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in the past three years. She says so many contradicting things, that it drives me crazy, and when I go to clarify, she gets upset, saying I'm stupid or that I'm going crazy if I can't understand her. Another thing, is that I came out to her over a year ago, and she understood. I'm not what I came out as anymore, but she tries to limit what I can or cannot look like still, and says she's supportive. One solution I thought of, if my mother refuses to listen to me, is to go live with my biological dad. He lives nearby so my social life wouldn't change, and he is kind and understands many of my issues. There are some problems with me moving in with him. My father's only connection to my older brother is through me, if I don't live with my mom, it will be difficult to see how he's doing, as he is a very isolated person and doesn't talk often. Another issue is my half brother, he and I have grown incredible close because of the time we spend together; I have admit, I care about him a lot. I am also one of the only things stopping my mom from abusing him, as he is a very anger driven and aggravating kid. Leaving would not only upset him, but would upset me too. The third problem, is my responsibility in the family. I am an important part of the family, my mom has admitted this before, but doesn't seem to think that anymore. I am practically a stay at home mom minus the intense cleaning and cooking. My mother cooks the food and I prepare it for my brother, she cleans up the big messes and I clean up the smaller, daily ones. She definitely has a tougher time than me, but that doesn't make my struggles invalid. I am responsible for anything at home when she is out. Other times are just little favors, like writing her emails, getting things, and responding to my half brother's teachers, among others. I am also afraid she might turn her anger onto my brothers, which they don't deserve either. One of the last things I can think of is the fact that my mom will hate me. I do love her, despite what I've just said about her. I'll make it clear though, if I could get solely her out of my life to make it better, I would. The main issue with her hating me is that she wouldn't let me visit my brothers. Which I have stated are very important to me. The last thing I could think of was my dad's point of view. Because I don't live with him, I don't actually know how his life is. I know a lot of things but I don't know his actual daily life, how he acts when he's upset, or the little things. He does buy things for me often, which I know he can afford, but I don't know if he'd be able to afford to care for me, if he could sacrifice his current life for me. I know he could, he said he would, but I don't want him to sacrifice a good life he's finally gotten after my parents divorce. I don't want to cause him issues, and have him work harder. He's already planning on getting elderly benefits soon. I know I should speak to both of them. I don't believe I'm such a terrible child as my mom believes. I do what she asks to the best of my abilities, don't yell at her when she yells at me, don't mistreat my half brother, and I keep up with most schoolwork. I don't think I deserve how I'm being treated either. I don't plan to do anything without thorough thought. I wrote this to gather my thoughts and to hear what anyone else thinks.


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4 Replies

  • So, in your heart, in one sentence, what do you want to do?

  • I want to change something. Definitely that.

  • You write well, you are a smart cookie, please trust your instincts and take a few years to do what is beneficial for you and you alone. It is not your business what other people think of you. It is THEIR business. yep, it is. If you become the best person you can be, and do what is right for you and you alone, for the next few years you will make good choices for yourself and have people around you who treat you well.

  • Thanks for the advice. I'll try to work towards a better me, though it's easier said than done. I guess my only issue is that my instincts go against my logic.

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