finding the little things help

[DerekAZduder]

my anxiety has three main factors.

1. the panic attack

2. my triggers

3. my underlying stress level

now the panic attack can be treated with one of two methods. being mindful and grounding or as I call it distraction. or using medication like xanax or ativan to force your body to relax.

my triggers. well i was told to never reveal or talk about my triggers. I heard sharing your triggers might give others those triggers and vice versa. but lets just say I have i identified the biggest ones. now again. the ways to cope with the triggers are grounding or distraction. I mainly just avoid things.

interesting enough my emotions are linked and when I get overwhelmed one of these three things happens. out of the three only one is a release.

ANGER. I hate to admit that something that could cause me to panic could also cause me to snap and become incredibly violent. I was this was through most of my childhood.

SADNESS when I realized that anger wasnt solving anything all the things that triggered me just made me suicidal and want to cry.

PANIC the last is the worst. I would rather punch a hole in the wall or cry my eyes out than ever have to experience a panic attack.

these things all affect my underlying stress level. feeling sadness and crying is something I havent done in years because I am scared of the suicidal thoughts. I am scared of the derek that could kill himself if not kept in check.

but crying is the one thing that when i feel triggered makes me feel better. there is no feeling worse. it feels like letting air out of a balloon that was going to explode. i cherish that feeling.

but i cant always do that. this has left some terrible side effects and where I believe my anxiety comes from in the first place. fear of what I might do if i were to let go.

i have those thoughts often and i never know how to stop them.

dr's have me on meds to try to cope with it, but i really dont know whats going on with me. they say i have BPD GAD OCD.

i take the lithium to help with suicidal ideation

i take the escitalopram to help with the depression anxiety and ocd

i have no idea why i take lomatrigine but i take it.

i have xanax and i use it as a last resort.

in april i got a dog and since then my sleep has improved. I feel safe an protected.

the thing about my fear... is its irrational. and I know this... but when its happening there is no logic or reason to it. i just honestly feel like demons are out to get me.

please dont bring up religion. i have tried it. i have committed to it and honestly. giving it all to god was just another way of me not venting.

I live my life the best I can. i am a musician and this photo is from my gig july 9th.

its amazing when i am on stage i dont feel any fear...

i am the guitarist btw.

sorry for the rant but i hope this info might give others insight on their own anxiety.

[Anxiouslizz]

I once cried so hard I was surprised I didn't die. Crying heals and it won't kill u no matter how afraid of it you are. Try finding a safe spot like the shower or locked bedroom with music on and set a timer for 15 minutes and cry. Think of all the bad stuff and it will happen. Once you cry all those tears out of your body (how many years of tears do you have stored up?) you will heal. It will happen after the first cry and more and more every time you do it til you don't need to anymore except when something new comes up and u have to remind yourself to cry. Tears are healing water from above, they are a gift. We get messed up and forget how or get afraid to release. It's beautiful to release. Sorrow is the flip side of love. It's beautiful because it's your humanity.

[Anxiouslizz in reply to Anxiouslizz]

Oops misread and thought you said you were religious so tailored my response that way. Change to: tears are your body's natural healing and crying changes the brain and causes release and catharsis. If you are afraid you will get suicidal if you cry at all , have a friend agree to call in and check in on you 15 mins after you start. Or change setting, watch kitten videos or comedy after to calm down. Sounds so silly and innaffective but sometimes extremely simple things bring the desired effect. Smile right now. You will feel your brain release happy neurotransmitter stuff.