Father’s Day will be here soon. The day serves up many reminders. I am reminded that I have the best job in the world being a Father to our two little girls. The other reminders are very different.
I see my Father now and then in a dream. I saw him briefly last night as the clouds rolled in over Belle Vernon. Moments like those leave you lost in an emotional imprint in time. For a moment I was 11 and we were about to get back in the van after my brother got his toy at K-Mart. I closed my eyes for a second, and for a second it was all real..my Dad and Mom were right there, my little brother who looked up to me then…well, he was little again. I opened my eyes and it was gone. I see him in the face of my nephew at times. I see him when I watch my brother interact with my nephews. That same caring, the way he picks them up, the hugs and kisses he gives them…it’s all there. I see my Father very much there in him.
Chapters of my story fell away when I lost my Father. We all have a story. Chapters start adding up at around 5 years old. The older we get, the more chapters are added. Then they start falling away. The store that closed, the relative that died, the teacher you had passed away...or the friend your age who is gone...it all starts to be the subtraction of chapters within your story. There is a daily void within me that goes beyond the missing of my Father, the vacancy felt, but more so a daily feeling of extreme contrition…the time that slipped, the calls that never happened, the stops I never made... the someday we will fix it. I always thought I had more time, I thought we had more time. Story of my life really in so many aspects.
This will be the second Father’s Day without him.
I have come to understand over the last two years that there is a certain loneliness, a certain solitude that almost seems to be expected for reflection. I assume it will get better in time. Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday. I hope I have.