Fathers Day

Father’s Day will be here soon. The day serves up many reminders. I am reminded that I have the best job in the world being a Father to our two little girls. The other reminders are very different.

I see my Father now and then in a dream. I saw him briefly last night as the clouds rolled in over Belle Vernon. Moments like those leave you lost in an emotional imprint in time. For a moment I was 11 and we were about to get back in the van after my brother got his toy at K-Mart. I closed my eyes for a second, and for a second it was all real..my Dad and Mom were right there, my little brother who looked up to me then…well, he was little again. I opened my eyes and it was gone. I see him in the face of my nephew at times. I see him when I watch my brother interact with my nephews. That same caring, the way he picks them up, the hugs and kisses he gives them…it’s all there. I see my Father very much there in him.

Chapters of my story fell away when I lost my Father. We all have a story. Chapters start adding up at around 5 years old. The older we get, the more chapters are added. Then they start falling away. The store that closed, the relative that died, the teacher you had passed away...or the friend your age who is gone...it all starts to be the subtraction of chapters within your story. There is a daily void within me that goes beyond the missing of my Father, the vacancy felt, but more so a daily feeling of extreme contrition…the time that slipped, the calls that never happened, the stops I never made... the someday we will fix it. I always thought I had more time, I thought we had more time. Story of my life really in so many aspects.

This will be the second Father’s Day without him.

I have come to understand over the last two years that there is a certain loneliness, a certain solitude that almost seems to be expected for reflection. I assume it will get better in time. Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday. I hope I have.

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4 Replies

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  • Oh Lifeless100, as all of your posts have made an impression on me, this one has moved me to tears. So many memories, so many losses over the years. How many times I said "someday" and someday never came. But if I am blessed in another tomorrow, I will remember what you said in hoping we learned something from yesterday.

    Thanks for your inspirational posts.

    Have a Happy Father's Day!

  • Agora you are already blessed my lovely. You are a blessing to others whether you know it or not. Life has no guarantees and loss is enevitable but the greatest find is you,yourself. Recognising that you are a miracle and that all that feels lost is within you.

    For most of my life I have felt lost and not enough but they are lies. The most important person to value me is me. All the lost loved ones are still with me in my heart and i see them when i look in the mirror and say i love u. As an adopted child i felt i was never good enough and have spent my life fulfulling this idea. NOW i am different...i still have doubts but when i need to look into love I look in the mirror. Loving ourselves is the greatest gift we give not only ourselves but those who truly love us too xx

  • What a beautiful response Anxietyfree. Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. My daughter is adopted and I hope I've instilled in her that she is loved and accepted for who she is and not where she came from.

    Have a good weekend...x

  • You too my lovely 😀x

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