Fed up! Upped my Med

Tonight I decided to listen to my psychiatrist and up my Amitriptyline to 20mg. I know that this medication is not going to cure this HELL depersonalization/ derealization (since apparently there's no cure for it) but I'm hoping this medicine would take away this God awful anxiety that keeps coming from this hell. I am to infinity and beyond mentally exhausted. I am tired of getting this twilight zone attacks that feels like my soul is leaving my body and my eyes get this sick vision of unreality and doom. I am tired of trying to explain this to people and they look at me like I am all types of crazy and who can blame them? This does sound disturbingly crazy. I am tired of walking around for 4 months with intense 3D vision and questioning reality or people. Thank God that I no longer look at people questioning if they are real or part of my imagination or thinking I'm in a coma and going to wake up any minute. Those thoughts are VERY slowly fading. I'm tired of forcing myself to do things that I loved because right away I start feeling that stupid soul brain detachment nightmare. I'm tired of people telling me I look great when I'm crumbling in the inside. I'm tired of pretending I'm enjoying activities so I can keep my kids happy. I should've have to pretend. I loved doing those thing 4 months ago. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just floating in a bubble that needs to be popped. I'm tired of crying for days because I feel horrific and I don't understand why I am like this now. I am also tired of being hyper aware of every single thing and my existence. Who would have thought being aware you existe could be so terrifying? Oh and this hell doesn't like memories neither. I'm tired of walking around for 4 months like if I have a veil on top of me and the constant feeling of doom,unreality, panic hell over me. I AM TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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11 Replies

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  • I'm sorry u having a tough time. I hope u start feeling better soon. I will pray for u.

  • Thank You

  • U welcome

  • Yep. You sound very tired. This is something that is very common for all of us. How to fix? Deep restorative sleep with no dreaming. How? 20 minutes relaxation or meditation every day. You are exhausting yourself by constantly ruminating about how you feel. Stop the rumination and accept that this is how it is for now and don't fight it. The less you pay attention to it the less it will bother you and you will get glimpses of happiness then moments then minutes then hours then days then poof....gone. You will be you again. But....only if you stop worrying about it. This is what is tiring you. Trying is tiring. 😘😘

  • Thank You..... I been trying meditation but I still feel awful. You suffered from depersonalization/derealization? I know everyone says ignore but I have been trying to ignore for 4 months and it's hard when I keep on getting these out of body doomed attacks.

  • Sigh...you'll be okay soon, I am praying for all of us too. We can do this!

  • HopingCat, a very powerful post as to what it's been like for you in going through the emotions and living this nightmare of unreality. I wish you well on your increase of your medication. x

  • hi

    can I ask what you mean when you say "this hell doesnt like memories"?

    does the dp/dr affect your memory? and how?

  • It just doesn't like when I think back. Starts feeling like everything is weird. Every memory seems so far away like a dream and not an actual memory.

  • ok i understand, i think i have a similar feeling.

    do you have attacks of feeling the dp/dr or is it constant?

  • I have both. Constant dream feel and then I get these attacks that feel like my soul is leaving my body. I'm so confused.

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