I'm 17 years old and I recently lost my best friend. We were inseparable, joined at the hip. We loved each other dearly. I still do. I don't know if she does. After a month of being apart we both came to realise that our friendship was primarily built upon her pain and struggle. I gladly took on the role of her helper, her guardian angel. I slowly became her manic pixie dream girl. A literary trope, for those who don't know, labelled as that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures. MPDGs are said to help their men without pursuing their own happiness, and such characters never grow up. Of course at the time I didn't quite see that I had some of these trait. But gradually I began to feel uncomfortable in our relationship as it pretty much revolved around her. Throughout our relationship she was in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship with her boyfriend that was on and off. I stuck by her through every stage she went though and it was so painful for me to go though and now I realise how hard that was for me and how it really took away from my character because I constantly insecure in our friendship. Never knowing if who I'd face at school. Never knowing when her boyfriend would show up and tear us apart because as much as she valued my opinion. She always chose him. That hurt so bad. As I type this is realise how upset and angry I am. I'm angry at my self for becoming a total people pleaser in order to keep her by my side. I'm angry that she treated me that way and couldn't come to a place where she saw me as a person too with pain with faults with imperfection. The environment of our relationship create this uncomfortable sense of co-dependency. Where I tried to subconsciously force dependency on her because I needed to be needed and she was the Narcissist who used me and tried to force dependency on me too. I liked by her saviour as much as it hurt me. I like being the martyr for our relationship that appeared to be so beautiful to everyone else and to both of us at times. But deep down it was so dark and twisted and we couldn't see. I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I was so depend t on her, I lost so much just be to with her. To be in her presence I lost my family, my other friends and mist importantly I lost myself. Now looking back on that after a month of solitude after a lot of tears, 2 suicide attempts and self - hatred I have made efforts to banish that part of my life to my past. So much has changed. I have truly transformed and embarked in this path of self-love and self awareness. Most importantly I am learning to guard my heart. The heart is deceptive and it told me that I had to be a martyr for love in every relationship I was in. It told me that I had to be a people pleaser and that I could never truly enjoy being in love. It romanticised the idea of suicide. I realise that now. The month of May was a serious time for self inventory and spring cleaning. It felt like the longest period but I urge you. The darker clouds that believed would roam over my life for eternity will pass. If you asked me two weeks ago I would have told you that my Summer would have been a dark season of pure loneliness. But no. I reject that! I was selected to be an Ambassador for UN Women for a Scheme called Girl Up. Specifically I am part of team strong. I faithfully accept this role because I have learnt to be a really strong women over the past weeks. I was also accepted to be [art of the Cal Arts Institute Summer school in LA! for 4 weeks a huge dream of mine. God is Ignore things around for me and he will for you too. I've shed my old skin of camouflage for protection and grown a new layer for my heart. Open but guarded with my Lord's faithful Love. There will be a brighter day. After all you cannot have a rainbow without the rain.
Lots of Love,