Worn Out

[pinks2]

I don't know if posting my feelings into the void that is the internet will change anything, but it's worth a shot.

I am worn out and I don't really know why. I'm a student in my second year of college, and I have three more weeks before the end of the semester. But in that time, I feel like there are an impossible number of things I need to do, and I have no will power or focus to do them. And that's just not me! I'm a planner and a list-maker. I can usually sit myself down and work towards a goal without any problem. But this week (honestly this month) it has felt like even the smallest and most menial tasks are exhausting.

For example, I'm moving out of my apartment at the end of the semester. I've moved before; heck I moved out of state to come to college, so moving a few blocks up the street should be no problem, right? But I am so stressed about moving my mattress up to this new house, and selling my old furniture. And the weirdest part is that people have already said they would help me. I've taken steps in the right direction, but I still feel like it's not going to work out, and then I'll have to deal with the mess myself.

And I have a paper due in the next two weeks. It's not a hard paper; it's one of 2 we need to do for the class, and I got 100% on the first one. It should be no big deal, and I'm really invested in the topic. But I just can't bring myself to start it. I know it needs to get done, but with every passing day, I just feel less inclined to do it. It just feels futile, and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail this class because I am just that lacking in motivation. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to fail all my classes, which, from an outside perspective is ridiculous because I did well on my midterms.

I think the worst part is that I still feel like I need to hold it together. I've always been like that. When I was a kid, my mom would have some depressive episodes, so I always felt like it was my duty to be the strong one. And I still feel that way. It's so easy for me to meet my friends and smile and make jokes like everything is normal. And I've spoken with one of them over text about what I'm feeling, but there is really no way for me fully encompass this sinking feeling that's in my heart. I've spent so much time in my bed crying, and I feel like crying now. I just feel so empty and so numb. I don't even know if I can call it sadness.

I'm a Christian, so I also feel like I should be able to take comfort in the fact that God is still who He says He is, even when I feel bad, and that I can still cling to things that are true. And when I can focus for long enough, I do feel like I can focus on the Lord and pray. But there are so many other times where I try to seek comfort from the Bible, and end up mindlessly skimming through a few verses before losing hope all-together. I feel so guilty about that.

I just want to run away, but I'm not sure to where, and I'm not sure for how long. I told my dad today that I was feeling depressed, and he offered to fly me home for the weekend, and that just made me feel worse, because I don't want pity. I just want to feel like myself again.

[Agora1]

Hi pinks2, you know, holding it all together takes work and is exhausting in itself. Besides that you have college, moving and it sounds like some depression is sneaking in. When we feel so overwhelmed, it's very easy to just want to run away. I think if you took a count on the forum of those of us who also feel like running away, you would not be alone. The thing is that we cannot run away from ourselves and that's what we would be trying to do. Our thoughts would come along for the ride which wouldn't be very comforting. I know that none of us want to be pitied or coddled because of our emotional needs. Try focusing on the positive things in your life.

"As you wander through life, whatever be your goal, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole"....taken from Dancing in the Rain by Gallagher

[David2]

Hello, it does sound as if you are hitting a rut and depression may be taking hold or at least starting to creep in. You are currently trapped, you are capable of doing all the things you are having trouble with but this is what happens when you become cornered.

You definately do need to take a break a take your mind away from all the stresses nothing seems the same or has the same feeling for you at the moment, this is common in depression.

I know it is a catch22 with your studies but definately seek help, you have done this with confiding in your father and it is common to feel bad about it but take the chance; everyone close to you just want whatever is best for you.

Think of it as a bit of therapy or a break, it may give you a bit of a different perspective.