Today I remembered when just recently my narcissist mother told me that I needed mental treatment she made fun of my condition calling me crazy and insane. She doesn't care about me or my illness. I often wonder what I did to make her hate me this way. I stopped talking to her because only when she can use me for things then she is nice to me, but the second I can't do something she let's me know how useless I am and how she thinks I will never get anywhere in life. All this raises my anxiety. I feel like an orphan cause my father is just as terrible. They don't be happy when I get anything. They never praised me or were affectionate towards me growing up. I'm scared of becoming them and I try to show my daughter she is special and loved. I feel bad when I have to correct her and it's hard for me to show easy affection but I try. I worry about if I'm doing a good job with her but so far she is an obedient child and very understanding.
It's hard when you're alone and there are no parents to support you or no older person u can go to. The only person I have is my fiance and I'm scared he will leave again. Everyday I fight with the fear of him leaving. Cause he left before and he didn't understand my illness. He regrets leaving though, but somehow it's hard for me to trust anyone, when my fiance left I was in an abusive relationship for two years and it's hard overcoming the effects of that, it made me sick and I was stressed everyday for two years. I developed a pattern of worrying and stressing over everything cause the person I was with never liked to do anything. He would curse me and hit me and he would cut me off from any type of conversations about our problems. My mother never fails to throw it in my face that I let a man abuse me. I try to trust and when I do I feel like there is a brick wall in my chest. It's scary cause I'm scared to get hurt again. I'm scared. My anxiety has me so insecure and I feel like I will get hurt if I trust. I hate being like this, I hate having to fight with my mind everyday and night and sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battle. Just sick everyday I can't even do things I enjoy. I'm scared all the time, scared my fiance would cheat on me, scared about all sorts of things. And I don't know how to stop it. I just can't relax, I can't let go of things. But I try and I don't know how I'm doing. Dizzy everyday, neck pains, headaches, nausea and depression. I hope you all don't think I'm crazy.