I wanted to ask you a question, hope you can answer,
Ive been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Im with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, and has become my very best friend. I mean, this is the kind of guy that doesnt come around too frequently, he is absolutely in love with me and i believed i was too. I mean, he was my number one priority and i was head over heels for him..
Like i said, he is my best friend before anything else, and i can tell him absolutely anything, plus he has been a huge support for me with my anxiety.
A little backstory:
I've had anxiety ever since i can remember. I've been to the hospital twice due to it, and ive had countless panic attacks as well, but as ive grown up ive managed to control them. When i first got into this relationship everything was great, until i began having thoughts that i didnt really love him or wasnt attracted to him, even though i knew i did. Because of these thoughts, accompanied by the advice of people surrounding me, i was tempted to just make the decision of splitting, though i never actually went through with it. I called these times my "episodes" because these thoughts came out of the blue and just like that went away. They never stuck around for more than two weeks, and after these episodes i could feel absolute clarity.
I later found out i had ocd, and that all of these thoughts are normal with ocd. The good thing about these thoughts, though, is that they were not real and always temporary.
My partner and i went through a rough period. He wasnt happy about some things i was doing, like i wasnt paying too much attention to him, i was always on my phone, etc. It is important to note that we only see each other once a week and live 45 minutes away from each other.
After he told me about the things that bothered me, i agreed i would change. I asked my friends around me advice on how to improve and i even googled how.
I concluded the following: I was under too much pressure and was going to fail anyway, so it would be better to just end the relationship. Of course, now i realize that things couldve been managed a whole lot differently.
After i broke up with him i regreted it an hour after, i ended up messaging him and asking him to take me back. He was obviously confused and asked for his time.
At first, i gave him his time. However, i went to talk to my school counselor who told me to "not give him his time, because then i would lose him permanently". So i messaged him and called him countless of times, which he ignored. I ended up going over to his house and apologizing. He took me back but was extremely hesitant, he was even crying..
At that moment, i didnt cry with him...i just stood there, watching him...why didnt i cry? Does that mean i dont care? That i dont love him? I am crying right now as i write this. He took me back, with a lot of hesitation...
A week went by. Maybe two. He was very distant and had put up a wall. We ultimately decided to end things. I cried a lot, but convinced myself it was the right thing to do, that we would meet up again one day and we'd be happy again.
We were broken up for one week. While we were broken up, i convinced myself my boyfriend was a horrible person (with the help of the same school counselor who told me to not give him his space because he'd never come back) . Maybe it was a coping mechanism, i dont know..
But i asked for constant reassurance from the school counselor and my best friend that he was a bad person. It helped forget him for those couple of days.. I mean, i wasnt depressed and moping over him...does that mean something? Does that mean i never loved him? I dont even know...I even planned to join the army (even though ive never been interested in millitary) and to study abroad.
During that week i went out every single day. I drank, i smoked..i avoided being alone at all costs. One day i went out with my friends, got very drunk and almost got raped. It was very distressing and something im still trying to fully forget. The night that happened, my boyfriend called me and asked for us to go out. I had my best friend next to me telling me to say no, but i wanted to say yes so bad. So i said yes. We went out the next day, i got drunk again...i started crying in front of him...
He told me he just wanted to have another day with me. That if i didnt want to get back, i didnt have to and that i could just take my time.
When i went home i asked myself, should i further analyze this situation or should i follow my heart and get back with him? So i decided to get back with him.
Here's my dilemma:
We got back together about a month and a half ago.
At first, i felt like i definitely loved him but i wasnt "in love" with him. Maybe i was cautious about everything because i had convinced myself he was a bad person (which i now realize isnt true, he is an amazing person), or maybe i was depressed. I say maybe i was depressed because 1) The breakup couldve triggered a depression episode
2) my therapist and my family think im depressed
3) it is a common symptom with depression, to feel that youre no longer "in love".
Now, i currently feel like im making this whole depression thing up. So maybe that is true, or maybe im getting anxiety over depression. Fun right?
At first, i felt like correcting EVERYTHING he did. Everything had a deeper meaning to it. If he asked me for a glass of water he was too controlling, if he asked for a hug he was too clingy, etc. I hated feeling this way, but it was like everything was wrong and everything needed to be perfect.
Aside from all that, i've felt extremely irritable not just at him but at everyone, and ive watched my mood shift from happiness to misery. Some mornings, as soon as i wake up i know for a fact its gonna be a horrible day, and vice versa.
Like i stated previously, i only see him once a week. So during the week it is absolute torture. I dont like talking on the phone with him or texting, it gives me a bit of pressure and nervousness and i just dont like it. This makes me think i have no interest in him because usually girls are so excited to call their boyfriends.
I misinterpret his texts and get offended frequently. I sometimes get terrified ill lose him and other times im terrified i no longer love him.
I recently had a talk with my school counselor again. I told him all i felt and he asked me "are you sure you love him as a boyfriend or as a friend?" This made me go into a really intense anxiety spiral. I mean, he is my best friend above all, we joke around like friends, we play video games like friends, does that mean i should break up with him?Does that mean im lying to myself? Then he asks if i just feel "gratitude" towards him (for all he has done for me) or if i truly love him! This made me feel even worse and doubt everything even more! I definitely feel gratitude for his patience and all he has done for me but now im doubting if i love him at all!
After that, i spent four days with him and it was the most at peace ive felt in a LONG time. I mean, we had the best time. It wasnt 100% ok, because i felt that anxiety in my stomach and i doubted everything. It we held hands i would think "are you holding his hand for extra reassurance that you love him like a boyfriend?" If we kissed id think "did you fully enjoy that kiss? Did you feel the sparks youre supposed to feel?" I would look at him and think "wow you dont even feel anything for him anymore"!!! I dont want to feel this way! I dont want to lose this man! I want to feel for him the way i did before, when i was sure of everything and i didnt over analyze everything and my life was okay! All i do is cry because of my thoughts, i can barely concentrate on anything and i am so terrified! I have some moments of clarity but for the most part its all wrong. My thoughts keep shifting and changing, but they keep being equally negative and distressing. If there is one thing i know is that i want a life with him, i want to one day marry him and i want to just be happy with him.
Is this all anxiety? Is it possible for one person to simply stop loving or falling out of love without wanting to? Or is love a choice? I need advice please...i dont want to end things with him.