Pressure

*venting* the last couple of weeks (really the whole month actually) I've been experiencing this feeling that something is not right, like I am incomplete, and there's been a constant pressure / weigh on my head, as if wet cement had been pored all over my brain and were slowly, constantly drying, hardening making it nearly impossible to function on any task, I mean anything. I've been frustrated because I've dealt with this in the past any whenever I feel that pressure I assume it's anxiety/ or another emotion that needs to get out so I breathe but this time around it the situation feels truly futile and now I'm scared I'm identifying with this feeling it's stuck around for so long. It's becoming a habit, like I feel the need to constantly check to see its there (this pressure) which inadvertently I'm aware is the source of the pressure. I think what it is is I'm having trouble separating what is an I intrusive thought from myself, it's been harder and harder to identify them since its seems for the last month it's just been constant, maybe only an hour of clarity a day after exercising and it comes back. the feeling makes me feel like I literally do not have free will, and makes me doubt everything about myself to life itself, life becomes a vacuum, I don't remember who I am, and hopelessness follows. I doubt my own happiness. All I have left are sterile emotions and the underlying sense of meaninglessness, emptiness. It feels like I am becoming undone and letting it happen. I feel like this constant checking has made me so complacent to my routine. I try to force myself to act but there's always the doubt, any action is either useless or meaningless.

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