Today I thought of someone I know. A manipulative, narcissistic, mentally screwed human being. I thought of how long this person was this way. I tried my hardest to understand why. The abandonment issues I understood. The mother bailed and left him in a car seat alone to be found by the Father after work. Those hours in the car seat were not kind. The father remarried. Any time there was an argument, he would hide his stepmother’s slippers so she would not leave. He was 4 then.
I tried to understand more deeply. He was and is selfish at times, yet giving beyond comparison other times. Sometimes he has emotion and other times he can watch others cry and be blank, uncaring, no emotion at all. I often wonder how someone can be almost two separate people. It’s not a personality disorder. If it were, at least it would explain things. I try to think about how it all began. I mean anxiety ran on a constant basis with his young home life but what about the adult years. Well, the man I mention is pictured above. The man I mention is me. I can and have given keynote speeches to 500 plus people…and charmed them. Yet, I am a terrified introvert other times. The question is….back in 2002 when I turned 30…WHAT STARTED ALL THIS? Well…..I will share. Don’t laugh…promise?
Emetophobia is a Fear of Vomiting. Many people suffer in shame and secrecy, unaware it's common enough to have a name. Yep there you have it. I almost threw up ( I threw up once in 1992) in 2002. It threw me into such a panic that I was terrified. I was so terrified that I started to have panic attacks. I did not know what they were then. I rushed myself to a Dr. and told him my nerves were shot and my stomach was upset. Xanax 3 times a day and a stomach pill for the next 11 years would become a constant companion. I know what you are thinking. I only threw up once in my life? That I remember, yes. Not since. It was an awful time. I refused to eat hardly anything. I lived on Cheetos and Aquafina water and my pills for 6 months. I dropped weight and looked like I had cancer. My father told me I was going to be like the movie thinner. One day I fell over.
Dec 2nd 2004- Pittsburgh Waterfront. Played a set. I put my guitar down, went to walk and fell over. Woke up in the ambulance to hear the man saying Male, blood pressure dropping. I went back out. Upon awaking I was told I needed a tube from my nose to my mouth. With my fear of throwing up? I was told my stomach was filling with blood and they needed to know how bad it was. I let them do it. I was tossed in the ICU. Lower GI test, Upper GI scope. I was introduced to a hypnotic narcotic that once was used by the CIA. I was given an IV. The nurse ask me my name. I asked her when the test would start. She explained it was over. I was out for an hour. It’s called Versed. I would love to have it on hand.
A week in the hospital with tests and more tests. Released being told I had a bleeding ulcer but they didn’t think it was enough to cause what happened. To this day it remains a mystery. For a long while I was able to eat what I wanted after that. Could not gain. It was awesome to a point. Started lifting and felt better. I was okay for a while…me…Xanax…..and life. One day my Doctor who prescribed me Xanax 3 times a day went and died on me. No other Dr. would write that…I was on it 11 years. Next stop was detox. Another story for another time- Domani-Shawn