I was terrified to leave my house. I went to the grocery store and I started feeling so sick to my stomach, like I was choking etc

I was terrified to leave my house. I went to the grocery store and I started feeling so sick to my stomach, like I was choking etc

I remember the day well. I had been dealing with this new thing called anxiety for about 6 months, and it felt like forever. I took the 3 Xanax a day I was given and tried to survive the best I could. Oddly I became agoraphobic. I was terrified to leave my house. I went to the grocery store and I started feeling so sick to my stomach, like I was choking etc. During this time, I had not met my wife yet. This was a dark time and I spent 6 months living in my bedroom with a candle lit next to me. It was really awful. My regular Doctor gave me the Xanax and I thought maybe a Doctor of the mind may work better. To see this Doctor / therapist, I had to leave the house and drive an hour. I laughed at myself. I used to drive hours on end for fun trips…what the hell happened to me!

The day came and it was time for the appointment. I even tossed on my suit. I drove in terror but kept telling myself this was the best thing in the world for me to do. This would be it! I arrived and sat down with the Doctor. He asked me a lot of questions. After a short period he explained we were done and would talk again in two weeks. I was floored. I asked him if he was going to do some scan of my head or some test so see if I had a chemical imbalance…something anything that would explain this lunacy. He looked at me and said “You seem like an intelligent well rounded individual who is suffering a great deal of anxiety”. I just sat there. I realized in that moment that it was up to me, there was no OZ behind the curtain, no man on the mount, nothing on fire was going to speak to me…it was me now. I slowly stood up and walked out. Looked at the bottle in my pocket and took a Xanax for the drive home. Nothing had changed. I would in time, about 6 more months.

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2 Replies

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  • Hi there, how are you doing now?

  • It's a bit like being a child, wanting someone else to be the adult and make it all go away. The realisation that it really is up to you is rather confronting!! No one else can fix you. It does help though to have a good cheer squad!!

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