Learning about yourself

[AlexaLee7811]

So weird thing is I have dreams of my boyfriends cheating and leaving me all the time around this time of year. Well it happened with my ex too because I finally realized how much he meant to me and how much I loved him 2 years ago. But I was not as strong as I am now. So last night I had a dream my current boyfriend was cheating on me and left me telling me I wasn't it for him anymore and I was said but you told me you loved me all that and he was like no I found someone better. I was devastated in my dream because of how much I love him and I felt all of that love in my dream. It felt like my whole world was crashing down and I was being torn to pieces and left empty and alone. So now I truly realize where my anxiety stems from is abandonment issues especially from my parents divorce and commitment issues because I am scared of being hurt! I truly had a huge breakthrough I almost cried! It makes so much sense now! My subconscious is telling me these things because apparently I think about those things but I truly don't realize I do and then they come up at night! It also shows why my anxiety comes up when I think of him because it is trying to build a wall of protection around me trying to protect me from who the hell knows but now I know so much more about myself and know I can work on it and be like it is just anxiety I am worried about him leaving me even though I know he won't subconciously I don't know that so now it is time to work on that and make sure I don't build up walls! That is why I was questioning things why I was worrying over things and trying to find things that annoy me because I was building a wall to protect myself so if it did happen I wouldn't feel as broken and defeated. I am just so incredibly happy about this breakthrough! Also my mom has major relationship anxiety too which I noticed with her boyfriends (parents divorce) she kept saying none were good and left all of them and was about to leave her current one too but they pushed past it but I have it now and I will never let it affect what I have I am SO happy figuring this out about myself! now to keep at it and make sure I fight it and work at it! <3

[Darryl Partner]

Good that you developed insight about abandonment. Nothing really to "fight" about it, but lots of good stuff to work on....Essentially, by working this out yourself, you showed that you did not abandon yourself...three cheers for that!

[AlexaLee7811 in reply to Darryl]

aw youre so sweet thank you Darryl!!! I just hope I can work through it and work through realizing how to handle that anxiety and fear!!! Makes me so incredibly happy and proud that I understood this and how it kind of all clicks together! all the loose ties are becoming tied haha HAve a beautiful day and enjoy some hopefully lovely weather you have!

[Poodie]

Hi AlexaLee.

I think I know what you are talking about. I had a similar breakthrough and it felt like a very big accomplishment. I had finally realized that my abandonment issues came from a period very early on when I actually was helpless and my very life depended on someone taking care of me.

The intensity of my reaction to present loss and abandonment was exaggerated because of my early life. I was then able to see that I am not that helpless infant now. I am working on letting myself feel sad yet realizing I can take care and love myself now. Good luck to you.