I think the biggest issue I have is I want a quick fix. I am NOT a patient person and I am a perfectionist so when one thing is off it is like the whole world is gonna explode. But I have to keep giving myself credit everyday. Absolutely no panic or rushing thoughts past 2 days and really been able to work through it. Whenever I feel my stomach start to even feel slightly Blah feeling I just breathe and focus on breathing in 4 seconds a deep breath and breathing out 4 seconds and telling myself "you are at peace." weirdly it has worked or I tell my anxiety to go f off and I say it outloud and I feel better! I actually say "f you anxiety you will not control my life I KNOW you are there but I WILL enjoy my time with the one I love." and It settles.
Don't get me wrong when it comes up which I almost had an episode last night it was quick and brief. I was grabbing chinese food and I just thought of my boyfriend and not even anything was wrong but BOOM went my anxiety and my first thought was oh god i have to end it I can't do this anymore...thinking of it now I am thinking what the hell why would I even jump to that that is so stupid!
My anxiety just seems to jump to that worse conclusion which I hate. Like why jump to that why not jump to ok well its there but you know you love him.
We had a wonderful wonderful evening last night and I just looked at him and felt this overwhelming love and connection and caring and it flowed throughout my body and I was able to just tell him I love him so much more than I have ever felt for someone and just really kissed him it was a weird overwhelming sensation I cannot describe but it felt SO right in so many ways.
I also was able to talk to him about going to see a therapist because I want to get to the bottom of this and not have my anxiety affect us each time during this time of year and he was so supportive and understanding of it and I was able to talk about where I think my anxiety is stemming from via my parents relationship and why I have racing thoughts and he said it is because you overthink which does cause anxiety. Which i 100% do. but he even said something that made me a bit sad that he said he thought I would leave him because he wants to take things slow so at times and I just was like I would never leave you because of that. and we fell asleep in each others arms and it was a lovely evening till I had to get up at 2am to let my dog out haha.
I just am wondering if I get these thoughts and I am finally letting myself feel love could that be a cause of anxiety too? I have been through a lot with "love" in a sense. My parents divorce.. I never open up to many guys I date or I leave really quickly. I never ever got close to guys even sexually wise I just could brush it off easily. Not sure if my anxiety is stemmed by that and the fact it comes out this time of year?