I would really appreciate your advice on an important decision. Basically I have to decide whether to spend Christmas with my family or my boyfriends family, and it's not that simple for me to give an answer because of my anxiety.
If I spend christmas with my boyfriend's family we will be staying at his granny's place across the country with his whole family (which will be very nerve racking and intense for me) for a week. I will have anxiety about having anxiety and panic attacks, and I am the worst in situations where there are lots of people sitting and its quiet, as if i feel everyone is looking at me. (those are the main cons). The pros are that I will get to spend christmas with my boyfriend and it will be exciting being in a country I haven't visited before, where I will hopefully be distracted by whatever we are doing, and I have never been able to spend christmas with my boyfriend before.
If I spend christmas with my own family I will feel comfortable, not as anxious about having panic attacks in front of people I do not know, I will be with the person whom I feel closest to on a personal level, my sister, and I will be with my own family which is what christmas is meant for. There aren't many cons apart from the one BIG problem I will have no matter where I decide to go;
Anxiety about someone dying. Although I have anxiety and think about who is going to die next, or what if someone was in an accident or died suddenly, this is worse. 2 years ago at Christmas one of my closest friends died on Christmas eve from Cardiac Risk in the young (basically sudden death) in her sleep, she was the healthiest person I knew. The year after that my dad collapsed on Christmas day and I saw an ambulance outside my home for the first time, he collapsed from a lethal virus which was going around at the time.
So no matter where and who I decide to spend Christmas with, I will have this constant panic and worry and obsessiveness about who is going to die or have an accident. If I am with my boyfriend and his family, I will constantly be thinking about death and if my family are okay or what if they are dead right now. If I am at home I will be worrying about my boyfriend dying.
Truthfully this is the most difficult decision I have had in my entire life. Due to the past few christmas being absolutely horrible and the worst events of my life, I am convinced death will come to someone close to me this year too.
I would really appreciate anyones help on this, and I need to decide by today or tomorrow at the latest because my Boyfriends mum has to book travel arrangements tomorrow.
Peace and Love,