I'm not someone who normally posts personal things on the Internet but I am desperate.
I have a long history with anxiety/anger. Ever since I was a child I have struggled with it immensely to the point that i had to take medication. Luckily, or maybe not so luckily, my teacher urged my mother to take me off of it as it made me "zombie like." As many of you know it doesn't get better with age. In fact, it worsened. I have lost many friends, relationships, ruined vacations, parties, precious moments, put my family myself and my loved ones through hell and back because of my anxiety. I am a proud person. I have brushed it off, refused help, justified to myself that other people are worse than me so why should I need the help. I have been to therapists all of whom have told me how bright I am, how i need to just breathe just put it in persepctive. I have seriously considered anti depressants, anti anxiety medication but I am afraid of becoming addicted (runs in my family). Now I am married to a wonderful man (3 years) and he is at his wits end. I have pushed him to his emotional limits. I have done terrible things in our relationship. I have broken doors. Screamed at him. Insulted him deeply. Caused fights over little insignificant things. I have threatened to leave him time and time again. Now he feels broken. I have driven him to drink more and eat more. We have both gained a lot of weight. Things are at their breaking point. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost. I feel like I KNOW I can control this behavior. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. Yet i feel out of control. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to continue down this path for myself. I have had a difficult upbringing. I didn't have a stable life. I have endured emotional abuse and neglect. I have witnessed intense anger from the ones i love too many times to count. I know these things contribute but I don't want to be a victim of my past. I want it to stop. I fear if I don't I'll lose everything including myself. I don't want to live this way anymore.
Any sort of suggestions will help. I appreciate straightforwardness.