Irrational disturbing thoughts

I don't know how long ive had these thoughts since my anxiety/depression makes my memory useless but I've been having absolutely terrifying/horrible thoughts about what would happen and what it would be like harming the people I love the most like vividly imagining cutting parts of people i love and their terror and i do not want to have these thoughts they make me feel fucking awful and so upset and want to kill myself. My biggest fear is seeing or hearing that a member of my family/my boyfriend/ my dog has died or had an accident or that i might kill them and im working if thats why i have these thoughts? Like my mind forces me to imagine and think about actions which i fear myself doing. Maybe its a form of OCD? Or part of anxiety/depression? My brain is so fuzzled right now i cant get my mind off these things its literally IMPOSSIBLE and if it keeps happening I fear something disturbing will happen or I will break down again because ive been breaking down so much lately. It just gets worse and worse. Its like i could literally do anything i wanted. Nothing is stopping me and its the feeling like i need to do certain things because no one will stop me if you know what i mean?? It makes me fucking hate myself and my disease/battle with depression and anxiety. Anyone help me? Or understand? Or who can relate? I feel so alone.

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  • I understand what you are going through. You just need to remind yourself that you are in control and you will not do anything that you don't want to do. It's quite common to have these thoughts, thoughts of doing something with a grave consequence, without having the intention of actually doing it. It's like standing somewhere very high and having the urge to jump off. It may be a strong feeling but it isn't something that you have to do. It is also common to imagine everything going wrong and all sort scenarios of what could happen. If my memory serves me right there was a philosopher who before going out each day would imagine everything that could go wrong so that they could prevent it. It's just cynicism. You don't need to worry, all you have to do is some research into it. If it gets more and more frequent in a way that is disturbing your lifestyle, then talk to someone you trust or a professional about it. Don't hate yourself for it. :)

  • It's intrusive thoughts, it's caused by your anxiety, you won't hurt anyone you seem like a good person and you are, don't let them affect you, I know there scary but trust me you won't hurt anyone 😊 you're not alone okay and it will go away okay, just remember there thoughts and there not real

  • This is very common even for ppl without anxiety, difference with us is the thoughts stick & disturb us & trigger a fear & adrenaline response that repeats the thought over & over as a threat. You WILL not harm yourself or anyone. Your thoughts are NOT real or who YOU are, you have Anxiety and that is what is causing it. It WILL get better and fade i promise. I believe you have something called Harm OCD aka PURE O with intrusive thoughts. Find a support group, a therapist that specializes in cbt, journal, distract urself, post here. Main thing is get the anxiety under control & you will see things change for the better.

  • Don''t know if this post might be of interest/help

    healthunlocked.com/couchtob...

  • Hi Kelly. I can relate to you. I have suffered from anxiety for years but when these intrusive thoughts started it scared the shit out of me. Like u i thought the only way out was to hurt myself so i wouldnt hurt anyone but i knew that i would never hurt anyone so clung to this. My thoughts used to make me physically sick. Anything i seen in the news/paper would trigger my brain to think i would do that. Research Pure O and u will be quite surprised to find this is what u are suffering from. Remember thoughts mean nothing. Its your actions that matter. The fact these thoughts bother you so much just shows you are a good person.

  • Claire Weekes books explain this as depletion. I was there many years ago and thought the only way to stop these thoughts is to kill myself ..Claire explains it all. Also Let me make myself plain ,Catherine Cookson anthology explains that if it scares you so much you would not harm anyone. Please see if you can get theses on Amazon.Time passes and you will feel better, I have come through to the other side .hugs xxx

  • Kelly, how are you doing today?

  • Wow, I really appreciate all the replies. Thank you so much, it is nice to know and hear other peoples stories and advice. I hope you are all well. I think things are getting worse before they get better at the moment. My anxiety is very bad, i take propranolol only on days i am working or have to be out in public where i feel anxious. Then i found out that if you take it irregularly it can cause heart problems. Every morning I wke up and my heart is pounding i can feel it and hear it. It only stops when i take the propranolol:/ and i'm cautious about pharmaceuticals... Ah it never ends!

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