I don't know how long ive had these thoughts since my anxiety/depression makes my memory useless but I've been having absolutely terrifying/horrible thoughts about what would happen and what it would be like harming the people I love the most like vividly imagining cutting parts of people i love and their terror and i do not want to have these thoughts they make me feel fucking awful and so upset and want to kill myself. My biggest fear is seeing or hearing that a member of my family/my boyfriend/ my dog has died or had an accident or that i might kill them and im working if thats why i have these thoughts? Like my mind forces me to imagine and think about actions which i fear myself doing. Maybe its a form of OCD? Or part of anxiety/depression? My brain is so fuzzled right now i cant get my mind off these things its literally IMPOSSIBLE and if it keeps happening I fear something disturbing will happen or I will break down again because ive been breaking down so much lately. It just gets worse and worse. Its like i could literally do anything i wanted. Nothing is stopping me and its the feeling like i need to do certain things because no one will stop me if you know what i mean?? It makes me fucking hate myself and my disease/battle with depression and anxiety. Anyone help me? Or understand? Or who can relate? I feel so alone.
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