Hi everyone

i am new on here so not sure where to start but thought it might be easier to get things of my chest.

God where do i start... I first properly had really bad anxiety around 2/3 years ago when I had a health scare, i totally lost my self didn't want to leave the house, took alot of days of work, everything felt so disorientated difficult and scary that i was losing my mind. My relationship was extremely hard work on a daily basis. With the advice of my mum i went to the doctors and they put me on citalopram 10mg to this day i am still on them. Alot of days were difficult but i started to feel a bit better, me and my partner got engaged at the time he was my rock.

Shortly after i became very irritable, finding faults with him, not feeling good in myself, avoiding going out etc arguing alot with him the list goes on.

I think looking back even before my health scare i was never very happy always rather flat and down. Rarely smile etc.

I often drank wine and watched tv most nights not to the point i was drunk but helped coat my feelings a bit.

On sunday morning just gone i woke up in a horrendous state sweating telling my partner i was bored and unsure of being with him and the wedding we have booked for this year i am now also seriously questioning. I blurted out i kissed two guys years back this morning now really worried ive hurt him badly but i felt like i needed to clear my conscience whether this is whats bugging me i really dont know. I feel very very mixed up, barely eating and working 9-5 is exstremtly difficult especially with it being a new job.

I feel absolutly terrible questioning everything i really dont know what to do its driving me insane knotted stomach and crying all the time.

Any support / advice you can give i would greatly appreciate. i try to avoid the internet as it can often make me feel worse and more panicky.

thanks in advance

1 Reply

  • Hello

    O dear you do seem to have got yourself in a pickle as we say round here and looks like your anxiety is in control and when it is then it can send our emotions all over the place and I am wondering if this is what is happening here with you

    I would not make any rash decisions at this moment as you are not well , not sure when your wedding is but if it is a while yet I would hang on and for now take each day at a time and see where that leads

    When we have anxiety we don't always like ourselves so then we wonder what the heck someone else is doing with us then we start pressing the self destruction button because we feel so bad we just feel the need to make it even worse !

    Maybe do a couple of lists one saying how you would feel if you were no longer with him and what you would miss and the other how you would feel if you stayed with him and what he brings to your life when you are not feeling so low as when we are low we feel no one brings us anything but grief !

    I do think you need to talk to him about the kisses , I personally think to be honest when we have done something it can ease our conscience to tell the other person but please don't take this the wrong way but if by telling that other person is only going to hurt them it can be better to say nothing and even though kissing someone when you are in a relationship is not right if he would have never have found out you could have been better working out how to forgive yourself and letting it go , so try and make amends with him for dropping that out because that will make you feel better , it could just play on your mind now if you don't that you could have hurt him

    I know you are saying you don't drink all day but alcohol only numbs things for a while and when it has worn of all the issues and feelings we have are still there as well as alcohol can play with your mind and is a depressant to ! so as you are taking a med , a drink will be counter acting what the med is trying to do and that is maybe why the meds are not working as well any more

    I would speak with your Mum if you have a good relationship withe her and get her support as well as seeing your Doctor , let them know how you are feeling and what is going of in your life , your Doctor may decide the meds need changing but be honest with them about having a drink because if we do not give them all the details they do not know the best way to help us and they do not judge they have heard it all before as you are not alone with how you feel and keep talking on here because knowing people understand also goes along way to :-)

    Let us know how you get on and I really hope that everything works out in whatever way is going to be best for you :-)

    Take Care x

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