I used to make doctors appointments every week.
Whilst hooked upto a 12 lead ecg machine I started crying. In my mind i was dying. Also thinking about my methods of suicide for when I got home...I wrote a note and everything. You see I had lost 3 friends within the space of two years due to very bizzare circumstances...I felt like I was next. One of them took her own life due to depression (health anxiety depression) and yet just 4 hours of her taking her own life...we were uploading photos together onto facebook. She was so happy....why did she do it ? She did it because she wasn't happy...no one listened and felt enough was enough. Her family were and are absolutely devastated as you can imagine. I felt like suicide was the best option for me.
The day that changed my life is when my doctor turned around and said to me.
You're a healthy 21 year old Scottish girl. Your life expectancy is 89...do you want to live the next 60 odd years living like this ? That's when I began to settle.
No one knows that worrying about your health can lead to such catastrophic circumstances in your mind.
Doctors I find...even though Theres not much they can do...they are not understanding enough. " here's some anti depressants and diazepam...now get on with your day" as if it's that simple ?
One doctor refused to see my friend because she "was wasting his time"
I find that heartbreaking. I beat health anxiety...but my friend never..
On her headstone at the cemetary there's a picture of a rainbow. The day the doctor said "are you going to spend the next 60 years living like this" as I walked home...a big rainbow appeared in the sky.
I always took that as a sign...she may not be here in person. But she's here....in some way.
When you have anxiety or depression...never ever let people make you feel like you're nothing...as to someone...you're their everything.