New here, introductory post and scared because of bad thoughts.

[LoopyZ1234]

Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site by accident, I'm very glad I did! I suffer with Aniexty and Depression and have done on and off for several years. I take Citalopram 10mg and propranolol 120mg. I have a 2 year old and luckily a great support network around me. I've only been taking the Citalopram for 3 weeks, I haven taken any medication since 2012. Everything seems to have gotten worse since taking the medication though, and the Aniexty has reached an all time high with my head being filled with awful thoughts. I've recently had thoughts of suicide, hurting myself and worst of all hurting my daughter. These thoughts are so real and they sicken me to my core, I feel like I'm loosing track of who I am. Sometimes I wake up in the night and I convince myself I've assaulted my daughter in her sleep and imagine myself doing vile things to her or pushing her pushchair in front of a car or train. I hope someone on here can understand that I have no desire to do these things, I hate myself beyond belief to even think about these things but they just come out of no where, bombarding my brain with imagery. It's ruining my life, but I'm terrified to tell the doctor incase they take her away from me! I'm a good mother and I love my daughter so much :-(. I've told my other half everything, he doesn't understand but he's incredibly supportive and understands that this isn't me at all. It scares me so much because I can't help but think that this is it, this is how the rest of my life will be. I'm hoping someone could maybe shed some light as to why I'm feeling like this. Although I've suffered with depression and Aniexty for years I've never had these kinds of thoughts before, is this normal? What should I do? Thank you for taking the time to read this

[dizzychar]

Hi

You should talk to your doctor, they may change your meds, and get a referral to a therapist, they can help you deal with the thoughts and advise you what to do.

It's good that you have good support at home x

[LoopyZ1234 in reply to dizzychar]

I'm waiting for an appointment with a counsellor but the wait is quite long, about 6 months! I'm having cbt at the moment but will go back to the doctors this week about changing my medication/dosage. Thanks for your reply x

[Shazza11111]

Ho when i had my first 10yrs ago and had pnd afterwards i was put on citalopram 10mg was the worst ever thing i started on i started having severe bad thoughts about my baby and images in my head that i wont detail as its just horrific i went cbt and by that point i was fighting the side affects of theses meda and not the actual pnd its self i went to gp and cpn and was switched to setraline straight away as they said it was pnd and ocd triggered by citalopram i shut my self out from everyone and stayed in bed for the 8 weeks i had been on them lost 4 stone as i leterally didnt get out the room thoughts scared me that much dont want to frighten u but i still now and again get some of theses ocd thoughts not the images in my head but i can deal with them now, im still on setraline has been a life saver for me so if u dont feel right then plz see ur gp xx

[Shazza11111]

Cnt stop reading ur post was so me 10yrs ago but plz hang in there and dont feel bad about the images or thoughts because u know deep down that u love her and anytime u get a thought or image picture and say the word stop it caps and replace it with a good image like dolphins or playing and having with ur daughter ur mind will automatically do this everytime but it will take a good bit of training ur brain again but its so worth it dont befrighten by them as thats what they survive on is fear and eventually u will let them out ur head just as quick as they come in, plz stay strong u will get better i now have 2 kids and i am much better xx

[LoopyZ1234 in reply to Shazza11111]

Thank you for your reply, it's so good to know that I'm not the only one. I know what I see in my head isn't real or what I want but when I'm in that deep dark place I manage to convince myself I'm going mental and turning into a murderer/abuser and it's hard to pull myself out of that place. Looking back since my daughter was born I think I had pnd but it was mild and I never bothered to address it but she's now nearly 2 and it's overwhelming. I've tried Sertraline before but it had a horrible affect on me and it was quite terrifying, so I then switched to Citalopram. I'm concerned that antidepressants are just making me worse in general! The images are ruining my relationship with my daughter, simple things like bathing her or changing her nappy make me feel physically sick, how do I get over something like this? I feel so much guilt, I think sometimes she would be better off without me xx

[Shazza11111]

When i had it mines was images of my son hanging and me throwing him from a hieght and couldnt go near him at night incase i done something use to get my partner to get up when i was up for the toilet at night was horrendous, antidepressants do make u worse with anxtiey for few weeks and thats y u feel worse with the thoughts they live on anxiety and fear so when u get them just ifnore them dont get scared and anxious aknow its really hard not to coz ur not a sick person thats y ur getting scared and anxious but just try what i suggested hard work and dertermanation with it and u will see they dont scare u and its not going to happen the whole thing is triggered by fear that sets off ur brain chemicals then i get badly anxious i really do feel for u but try ur hardest to replace them with a good thing one day u will get up and u will see they dont scare u never mind what if i done it or what if it happens trust it wont but dont let them scare into beleaving them big hugs xxx

[LoopyZ1234]

A little update, I've been to docs and although I didn't go into much detail about the thoughts I did tell them I was having bad intrusive thoughts. They doubled the dosage of my anti D's which has seemed to make a positive impact so far. I've also been taking my CBT course much more seriously, and finding that when I implement what I've learnt it really can help most of the time. The intrusive thoughts are still there but most of the time they have little to no impact because I understand that they are just thoughts, it's not me or who I am and I 100% know that. I AM stronger than my thoughts and I'm finally starting to believe that xx