Had quite a tough week. Lost the man I love, plus a money and family crisis.

[DillyTheDinosaur]

I have been on anti depressants for 7 weeks now, just over the 6 week settle period, I feel like they are helping me, but only a little. They have helped me cope better with some very tough situations, my Granddad has been drinking alcohol a lot lately and he ended up drunk on Monday and fell backwards down the stairs, he tore his hand into two and hit the back of his head, he was in hospital that night, he's now back at home but fell again yesterday after feeling dizzy. He seems better lately but he suffers from bipolar disorder and has been chronically depressed for the past year, he believes everything is his fault and he's using alcohol to help his depression, although that only came out when he was in hospital. My granddad is the leading male role model in our family, so it has hit all of us very hard to see him finally crumble like this after 70+ years. We are all giving him lots of support but he's the strong silent type that doesn't like to ask for help, he waits until he literally cannot cope any longer, and I'm very worried he may try and kill himself at some point in the future, I can't even bear to imagine how much that is going to destroy myself and my family.

There is also a situation with money at the moment, we can barely afford to live so I've had to give all of my ESA pay to help my Mum out. I would always pay the internet bill and pay for my pets anyway, but now I have to pay extra bills, which means I cannot save aside money to take my driving lessons and get my own car, which is what I've been wanting for a very long time. Suffering from severe anxiety, driving and simply being in a car causes great anxiety for me as I always think we're going to crash or something bad will happen, so taking my lessons is a huge thing for me, and with some help from anti depressants and finally feeling like I should be doing something and getting a job at 20 years old, driving lessons was the first and biggest step to me leading a normal life, but now I can't do that, I'm quite sad and back to square one, sitting in my room, playing xbox, and doing nothing other than that for another year.

My last and biggest problem, is I had to finish with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago now. He lives in Poland and I am in the UK, so it was already a bit of a stupid idea to get with him since we're not in the same country. He did however put in a lot of effort and money and he flew over here to see me 3 times in the space of 4 months, which I am grateful for, it's better than nothing. But the problem was that he was very possessive and controlling, I was not allowed friends or a life, I was only allowed him, and if I wanted to do anything alone or talk to somebody else without him, I would get the silent treatment, he would sulk, or he would throw a tantrum and embarrass me infront of my friends and family. I put up with it for 5 months until I threw in the towel 2 weeks ago, I have been very depressed since then, as I really felt like I loved him, he was always there for me and we had similar problems with mental illness and we were both lonely and wanted to be together. He would've been perfect for me, had he not been so restricting and controlling. I made a deal with him that we would try and be best friends, like we were when we got together, but that only lasted 1 week, he quickly went back to accusing me of cheating on him and telling me I'm a whore basically, when I've been 100% loyal and truthful the entire relationship, I also couldn't deal with him not trusting me at all. So I told him that it won't work as us being friends, so we are now strangers. I've blocked him everywhere I can think of, as he has a habit of stalking me and constantly harassing and messaging me, especially when we fall out, and I don't want him to try guilt tripping me in to running back to him this time, so I had to block him and try to forget about him, but it's hard, you know? =( I just miss him a lot and I really want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I decided to cut him out for a reason and I need to stop running back to him and actually teach him a lesson this time, that he can't keep going back to his old ways and making me feel like a waste of space all the time.

Life is just hard at the moment. I'm at the doctors this morning to ask if my dose of antidepressants can be upped, as 50mg of sertraline doesn't seem to be doing a lot for me, I want to try a higher dose before switching to a new medication.

Thank you for reading, I hope you're having a better week than I'm having right now... Please feel free to reply to this post with how your week has been, good or bad experiences, I'm here to talk. =)

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Hi dear, so sad to hear about your situation. You know what they say, that all bad things come together. Hopefully after this mishap you'll be able to move on in life. You're 20 years, you're very young to be baring such responsibility. But sometimes life tests your limits. I used to be on antidepressants as well but i didn't wanna be on them for the rest of my life so i started changing my lifestyle. Even one simple thing helps until step by step you get where you want. It's gonna be a long path i'm telling you but it's all worth it. I advise you to start exercising, simple stuff at first. Exercising helps release endorphins which make you happt and gets your hopes up. Listen to some yoga music. Make meditation if only for just 5 minutes a day. Be thankful my dear that at least you have a family that loves you. Your mom counts on you and you already said you have your grandpa which has been your role model for your family. Help him, spend time with him, go out, appreciate nature. You can go out again with your friends now tht your possessive bf is not in th picture. Have fun. You have a whole life ahead of you don't let small stuff ruin your happiness. Coz you make yourself happy and no one else. Plz be strong and start embracing life coz it's beautiful. Xxx

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Hi

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, especially as you are still very young. It can be overwhelming having to deal with so many difficult things all at one time. One thing I learned a long time ago is to only deal with what I can manage at any one time. Unless something is literally a life and death situation then it can wait. There are situations that we can alter and situations that we can do nothing about. In the case of your Grandfather there are other adults around who should be able to help or advise him. What you can do for him is to love and care about him. You can't expect that you will have all the answers for yourself and everyone else too. Reading your story, what concerns me than your situation with your Grandfather is your 'relationship' with the person from Poland. You have described a set of behaviours in him that can only be called abusive. The relationship seems to be one of co-dependency. NO ONE has the right to control who you talk to or what you do. Those who wish to control us and not there for us. They are there for themselves and the control they can exert. You are being used to feed his ego, which is not only unacceptable, but can be dangerous for you on several levels. My advice to you is to stay firm in your decision not to continue with that relationship - you clearly have a feeling that it is not right for you. As for your medication - go and talk with your doctor and explain how you feel. Remember - you can only do so much. Your own health should be your priority for the moment - after that then you can look to helping others. People are always here for you.