Parents of teen girls please respond.

[Carmel67]

This goes along with anxiety because my 13 yr old daughter has me in knots. I never know if I'm going to encounter Evil M or Sweet M. I want to say that her sweet side is genuine- it is not a manipulation. But her evil side. She told me once she hated me. Broke my heart. I would never say those words to someone unless I meant it. So to see it flow so freely off her tongue is awful. All of my close friends have boys so the behavior is different. For her, it is drama, smart mouth, stomping, ignoring.... I guess I'm different because I would never dream of acting that way when I was a teen. I suspect she suffers from anxiety as well but it is so hard for a 13 yr old to know what is going on let alone verbalized it. I feel as if I can't take the roller coaster anymore

I did some reading this morning and it looks as though I'm completely co dependent on her mood. I am the peace maker in the family and try to keep things harmonious. But with a 17, 13, and a 4 yr old, that is so hard.

I just want some reassurance from those who may have acted out as teen that you still love your parents. I want to hear from parents who couldn't stand to be around their kids as teens but they are quite close now. I also want to hear from people that it is necessary that I disengage myself dr my daughter in order for my own health. I KNOW this but the mere thought makes me shake and cry out of fear. I feel I need to control her moods. What if I let go and our lives go to hell!

[poodlegal]

I can sympathise compleatly my girl is 16!! My only child makes it harder as I miss the little girl who needed me and wrote me sweet letters, my daughter is a lovely girl but drives me bonkers, I try to get her things she wants she's happy for a day then her friend has something better and she gets miserable and envious!! She also throws my anxiety back in my face when I can't go places and often compares me to everyone else's mum although her friends think im wonderful!! She's so bloody moody and fickle even over what we are having for tea!!

I can't ever remember treating my mum like this I had my moments though, I worry all the time when she's out but I have learnt I have to stop babying her it's been very hard

You are not alone

Try to talk to her and tell her how you feel, my daughter fell off a horse and the next time she went riding she had a panic attack she rang me crying and said mum I dnt know how u cope with feeling like this

Xxxx

[poodlegal in reply to poodlegal]

Just to add you sound like a very normal mum and teen daughter, I have a beautiful relationship with my mum I'm 35 now and we have always been close but the minute I met a boy at 17 I wAs off I didn't care about my mums feelings but boy now do I say to her what a selfish little madam I was we are best friends xx

[Carmel67 in reply to poodlegal]

Thanks so much. I realize that a good portion of this is my anxiety. If I'm objective, she's a good girl. However I worry so much about the trouble she could be preparing for is.

[Hidden]

Hello

I have two Daughters as well as a Son all grown up but they were all teenagers at one stage and yes I feel there is a difference between boys and girls and how they react to their Mums through the teenage years

My Son has not been a problem we have had words of course from time to time but always finishes with a kiss and a hug and I love you but the girls wow so different

One thing I think we have to keep in mind is Hormones , ok boys have them to but when girls start hitting puberty they can be evil and who do they hate and who do they get cheeky with the one they love the most their Mums even though at the time they are behaving like this we certainly don't feel very loved

Things have changed so much now as well and not always for the better , no we would have not spoken to our parents like they do now we would have got a slap if we but nowadays even as parents we have to be careful what actions we take to discipline them and I don't agree with slapping a child but I think them knowing there is no fear you will do does not help them to take a step back and realize they are over stepping the mark but I think the thing I did was I set Boundaries , they knew what they were and they knew if they over stepped them what ever consequences I had set out I would see them through and they could hate me , scream , stamp , I knew why they wanted their own way of course but sometimes you have to hang on in there realize they don't mean it they are just trying to get their own way or they are feeling bad & are not mature enough to express how they feel so this is the only way they know how until they learn otherwise but as someone once said to be to be a good Mum is not always about giving in and giving them what they want it is about showing them the right way and disciplining them even when they scream they hate you because you are doing it out of love so they will grow up eventually knowing right from wrong so we have to be the hate figure sometimes and I know I certainly was and to be honest between 13 and them becoming adults our relationship would be very difficult and I would cry at times but now well they are like friends it has all come right just like I was told it always would

Of course it will be affecting the way you feel but know that is normal but if I was you when she is been rude and mouthy stay calm in front of her and just say , I am not talking to you at the moment , I love you but the way you are behaving I don't like you very much so while you are behaving like this just take yourself to your room and if she chooses not to take yourself to yours , let her carry on till she realizes you are not going to give in to her and she comes round again to the nice Daughter

I think we also have to remember times have changed and she will be listening to her friends at School no doubt and getting tips on how to be the Teenager from hell

You are doing nothing wrong as a parent been there gone through it , wondered why I ever had kids and so on but once you get through these years could be even less it all comes good again and you know why you had kids because there is nothing more precious that you can have in life than your children

Take Care , Stay Strong x

[Carmel67 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. My kids are everything to me. Take my money, take my career.....they pale in comparison to my girls. I worry all of the time that my anxiety causes me to be a bad mom. I think I have a hard time telling what is normal teen girl behavior and what is heightened because of my anxiety.

[Hidden in reply to Carmel67]

You are certainly not a bad Mum , I know that just for the simple fact you are talking about it because it is upsetting you so much so please try & cast that thought away and remember when we become parents no one gives us an instruction book how this works ( if only they did lol ) so we are allowed to be unsure and if we make a wrong judgement or mistake that is ok to x

[sgbmandy]

Hi love I have four boys I left my husband 15yrs ago. And started up again alone, oh buoy was it difficult they all fought like cat and dog, I was always piggy bin the middle. They swore at me called me every name in the book. I then met Karl my partner now, he saw what they were doing and was appalled he sat them down and told them that he lost his mom and would do anything in the world to see her again as she was the most precious thing in his world, and that what they were doing to me me was appalling. One was very difficult Christopher he was a battle always caused arguments even between me and Karl id always take their sides I hated my kids being upset, even if they were in the wrong, all teenagers are difficult id say I love you but I don't like you very much today, I would completely ignore them saying don't talk to me I don't want to argue with you, go away and think about how you've treated me. It worked they'd come and apologise, didn't stop them there and then discipline was put in place took their most valued possessions away, banned them going out until they apologised, I had to let go of the apron strings and carry out my rules as much as I hurt, but i did it. Now they're all grown up and are the best of friends, all successful. In life have great jobs cars ect, and do you know what they said to me???? Mom if you hadn't disciplined us like you did we would not be where we are now and that they'd dread to think where they would have been. Xxx keep strong love your the adult they're the child they need to know that. Trust me ignorance is bliss, they're talking to themselves cos mom ain't listening. They do say things they don't mean so don't take it to heart they do love us, she will realise that you have her best interests at heart and stick to your guns, don't talk to her if she's shouting just walk away. Xxxx good lord if id have talked to my mom like they do these days id have been hung drawn and quartered. Xxx mandy

[Carmel67 in reply to sgbmandy]

Thanks for the advice. The thought of family shouting leaves me shaking in my boots. I feel as if I live with an abuser - never knowing what is going to set her off. Then, I pay hell when it does. So I try to walk the land mines every day, avoiding the explosions.

[swanshurst]

HI Ihave just read your post ,,,I work at one of the biggest girls schools in England for over 35 years now, I worked with the boys for 6 years and I have 3 sons myself I am now working with the girls ,and have been for 27 years ,,,,please belive me when your daughter tells you she hate you ,,she really does not mean it , you are doing everthing right ,I see this everday with the girls everthing is a drama in there books ,and if you say no to things you are the bad one ,,,she is not evil just a teen ,,,they are hell on earth sometimes,try to follow the patten of her sweet side ,and look at what brings the evil side out ,,

[denvajade]

Hi Carmel I don't know if you can get the book entitled 'I love you but go to your own room now" the title is nothing to do with teenagers but the writings apply. It is written by top child pshycologist And tells you only one person can be in charge! And guess what it is not her! Wonderful book on how to deal with ALL issues from birth till they leave home. It is minipulative behaviour and they soon no longer respect you. I wish you well.

[sgbmandy]

She needs to know your in charge otherwise she will walk all over you and more, set the boundary's and abide by them don't give in to her tantrum's, she's seeing how far she can push you, I know its hard and we don't like to see them upset but, you need to be stronger and not give inn, the more you let her get away with the more she'll rebel and eventually rule you. As they say you sometimes need to be cruel to be kind she will thank you in the end. Don't make a rod for you back tell her she's making you ill. Xxx keep in touch xx Mandy I'm thinking of you.

[TraumatisedTrainer in reply to sgbmandy]

I find it hard to understand why you think this is the right approach to children, you believe that you should be a ruler? do you not think that children should be able to feel save and secure and able to express themselves. the idea that she's just throwing tantrums for the fun of it seems crazy, and very short sighted. there is a reason why children act the way they do and acting like a dictator won't help in relating to them or communicating with them. your children are just young people with thoughts, feeling and usually a fragile sense of self, they should be understood not controlled.

[sgbmandy in reply to TraumatisedTrainer]

I didn't control my children, just learned them right from wrong. We had several family meetings so they could air out their problems, whether it be with each other or problems at school ECT. I didn't rule them just helped put them on the right path. So I should have been their personal punch bag and be verbally abused and let them bring trouble to the door. Must have done something wrong then sorry if you think that, so them being succesfull adults university grads and high paid jobs. They should have been street corner junkies and twocking cars then like their old mates. Hmmm mandy

[TraumatisedTrainer]

Hi Carmel

I can relate to both your daughter's and your situation. I was an angry child and teenager and I said terrible things to my mum, dad, sister and anyone really who was around me, to test them or to push them away. I was never in trouble as a child either at school or in any other areas, but I was in pain and I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. The loss or lack of control tends to lead to outbursts and sometime violence. I've spent the last few years trying to discuss and understand everything that happened with my mum, we are very close and the reason why I and probably your daughter, felt like I could say those horrible things was because I knew no matter how hard I pushed she would always love me. My mum was at her wits end a lot of day, which I didn't know until years later but I had one safe place, one safe person who I knew would love me and you need to make sure your daughter know that you'll love her no matter what, even if you need a bit of help sometime, you'll never give up on her. For me my pain stemmed from trauma, I was raped as a child and again as a teenager, I am in no way saying your daughter is hiding something like this but usually anger is easier than fear and pain. she probably feels scared and powerless about something that's happening in her world. She may not realise how it's affecting her and you, but whatever it is, she will eventually be able to understanding it and work through it, she just needs to know she has the freedom and support to do this. Try talking to her, offer up something that you can relate to her, a problem you had when you were growing up, that way she wont feel alone in having problems. I work trying to help people now but only through years of self reflection and understanding others perspectives have I been able to get to the route of the problems. There is always a reason for our behaviours, we just have to be able to see them. I really hope this has helped in some way, please feel free to contact me anytime, and if your daughter need support too the site might be helpful for her as well.

Amyx