Another day. Don't feel I can make it.

Here it is another day. Another day of a tight, racing chest. Another day of rapid fire thoughts of fear and doom. Another day of trying to control my environment so I won't have an acute anxiety attack. Another day to sit in dread of pending doom. Another day of intense worry about cancer growing in me. Another day of wondering what word is going to set off my teen daughter. I can't go on like this. I almost hate living. It shouldn't be this way.

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10 Replies

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  • Hi Carmel It is essential that you telephone somebody now. It maybe difficult to do but you need to talk to somebody. Samaratins,your GP or other health professional that knows you.

    You are showing signs of serious depression that can be treated but you need help other than on this forum.

    Please take care of yourself.

  • Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm depressed. I've suffered from anxiety so long and what depresses me is that I know what it has robbed from me. I have three kids and a loving husband. I have a nice extended family, a nice house, a good job......but I'm consumed with anxiety. I do see a counselor. I don't believe I would ever take the step of suicide because I would never want to hurt my girls in that fashion. The mornings are the hardest. When the alarm goes off and the sun is just coming through I think of all of the possibilities the day holds and it makes me terribly sad to know I can't fully enjoy them. I talked to my husband this morning and I'm better. I'm better just to write on this website and know I'm not alone. For now, my mood is a bit better and I'm still committed to believing that someday I will get my life back.

  • Carmel I have just seen this,, what a heart wrenching cry for help! I do hope that you are feeling better than you were 2 hours ago. Sometimes just venting the despair we are feeling helps...

    Are you under a GP? Can you make an urgent appoinment to see your GP (or next best case scenario is to present yourself to A and E and ask to see a member of the mental health team there.

    Please dont give up. I have been close to doing that a lot recently but I know that I have to hang on and work my way through my anxieties. Do you know how to 'ground' yourself when you are feeling a panic attack coming? An exercise that helps me is to sit still. take 5 deep breaths and hold each breath for a few seconds. Then count five things you can see, get hold of four things you can feel, listen for 3 things you can hear, breathe deeply to identify 2 things you can smell and lastly imagine 1 thing you can taste. Take your time on each task and at the same time allow your thoughts to come to you, identify your feelings then acknowledge them. Then let them go, dont hold on to them but imagine them difting away from you. It may help keep you calm when the anxiety is buiding up.

    I hope this is helpful. Please do let me know how you have are... Good wishes ..

  • My anxiety is compounded by my 13 yr old daughter. One of my panic triggers is conflict. She is prone to tantrum outbursts. School is very stressful for her due to some learning difficulties (that no one has been able to diagnose which is all the more frustrating because there is no protocol to help her). She had a massive tantrum on Sunday and tore up her room then locked herself in the closet. I didn't know what to do. My husband wanted to call the police. My anxiety was so bad at the time I really thought I was going to die. I couldn't see a way through it. I finally got her to calm down and we talked a bit but I KNOW it is just a matter of time before she has another outburst. It is like living with an abusive mate. I never know what is going to set her off. After massive anxiety attacks, I'm usually left with many days of very severe depression spiked with acute anxiety. I love her so much. She was adopted and I know she has sadness from being given up by her birthparents. Also, we know nothing of her biology to know if she was premature, malnourished, neglected.....so there is no answer. No way to 'fix' her. I'm a fixer. I want to fix everyone. I feel i need to care for everyone and make their life as good as possible so they don't abandon me. I don't want to be alone in life. I know this is coming out rapid fire without much organization but I'm just trying to put it out there to get it out of my head. I'm SO TIRED of living this way and I desperately want to do anything to help me get back into my life. Thanks for caring. Just knowing people care helps a tremendous amount.

  • Hi. A few words you used to describe yourself ring so true with me too. Fear of Conflict. Fixer. Tired. Fear of being alone.

    These are the main causes of my anxiety. My husband tells me I want to solve everyone's problems and worry about everyone. But that's life. As a mam that's what we do. I can't argue. I just get upset. I hate other people arguing. If my son's and their partners have rows it upsets me so much.

    So - how do we go about helping ourselves to stand back and not react so much. My husband gets so frustrated with anything technical - anything or anyone who does not to what they/it should be. I react badly to his frustration and take it personally.

    So - I seem to have hijacked your problem. ha - I guess it shows we are not alone in our personal issues. We are not alone, we have family who deep down do care so much about us, just don't always know how to cope with our illness and our moods. We also have this community and the individual people who care enough to respond to our cries for help. Talk to your husband. Talk to your daughter. and talk to us. xx A big hug is sent with this message.

  • Aww Kimmy, thanks. I often think that I'm nothing without my children. All three were adopted. All three were abandoned and we know nothing about their birth families. I never looked at it as rescuing - I bristle at that. But, I have handed over my heart and have pledged to make their life as good as I can. I find that as they get older and have minds and desires and opinions of their own, it directly affects my fear of abandonment and conflict. Subconsciously, I know that they will move out and away some day - that is what they are SUPPOSED to do and will be a mark of me having done my job. But, it plays right into my fears. Also, conflict - with dramatic teen girls....ugh.

    We also have a 4 yr old and I try to 'protect' my husband from her. Now, I don't need to do this - he tells me this all of the time. But, I don't want her to be fussy when he tries to read or bother him when he wants to do something. It is all so hard to describe and as I'm describing it, it sounds like I'm mad. What I mean is that I try to preempt conflict and keep EVERYONE happy to keep my fear of conflict low. Meanwhile, I have no interests, no sense of self, no opinions thoughts or feelings....I've ceased being a person because I live to please everyone else. I also have a pretty bad health anxiety due to some cancer scares. My yearly mammogram is coming up and i know I will be almost comatose with fear as the date gets nearer.

    Today is an exceptionally bad day for my anxiety. It is now 1:30pm where I am and I woke up at 5:30am and have fought it ever since. I've now reached the point where I sat back in my office chair and said 'Anxiety, come at me. Give me your best shot. I'm tired of fighting you today. Go ahead. Wash over me. Control me. Beat me and punch me and do whatever you need to do to leave me alone.' I'm surrendering this particular fight today but not the war. I'm jacking up my anxiety by trying to control it. I am just going to let it do it's thing and hope that it gives me a break after it is done.

    Hugs.

  • I hope you don't mind Ive sent you a private message. Its sounds like your 5 hours behind me. Where do you live.? I have a best friend in Canada which is also 5 hours behind me in the UK.

  • You poor thing. There is nothing worse than seeing children in turmoil and so unhappy. Do you have a friend or relative that could do "me time " with your daughter as clearly she is crying out for help but in an angry off putting way. In the area where I live there are child mental health services that offer help also Barnardos offer some support. I suppose you have tried everything and I can only suggest that you keep knocking on their doors untill they get the message. Keep posting but please make another appointment with your gp and make it clear that you are in a desperate state.

    good luck will be thinking of you.

  • I feel the same i cant focus on anything anymore i am always depressed and never happy all from anxiety :( i dont know what to do

  • You can't ever give up hope that relief is just round the corner. Anxiety ebbs and flows. Try to hold onto the good times and know that when the bad times come they won't last forever

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